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When Paul tells wives to respect their husbands in Ephesians 5:33, he calls them to honor their husbands in attitude, speech, and conduct. Respect includes taking a husband’s concerns seriously, speaking truth graciously, and supporting his God-given responsibilities. It does not require agreement with sin, silence about harm, or pretending a husband is always right.
In Ephesians 5, the apostle Paul summarizes God’s design for marriage with a simple but powerful exhortation:
“However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”
(Ephesians 5:33)
Paul ends Ephesians 5 by addressing each spouse personally: the husband must love his wife, and the wife must respect her husband. Read Ephesians 5:22–33 as a whole. These responsibilities belong together. Neither spouse may use the other’s failures as permission to disregard the command God has given.
The conference message below addresses the command for wives to respect their husbands. Use it alongside this study and the questions at the end. For couples who want to study further, see the Your Marriage God’s Way book or the online marriage course.
The teaching below expands on the same biblical principles presented in the conference message.
Table of contents
- The Biblical Command for Wives
- What Biblical Respect Is—and What It Is Not
- Respect Through Words and Tone
- Respect Through Trusting God’s Design
- Respect Through Supporting Leadership
- Respect Through Gentle Influence
- Respect Through Guarding the Marriage
- Respect Through Repentance and Forgiveness
- Why Respect Can Be Difficult
- How Respect Strengthens Marriage
- Why Churches Must Teach Biblical Respect
- A Word to Wives
- Discussion Questions for Couples or Small Groups
The Biblical Command for Wives
Ephesians 5:33 summarizes a passage that begins with a call to be filled with the Spirit (verse 18) and describes marriage in relation to Christ and the church. A wife’s respect is an expression of her reverence for the Lord. A husband’s love is likewise an act of obedience to Him.
The phrase “as is fitting in the Lord” comes from Colossians 3:18, which addresses a wife’s submission. It is related to respect, but it is not part of Ephesians 5:33. Keeping the passages distinct helps us explain each one accurately.
These commands also do not mean husbands have no need to honor their wives or wives have no need to love their husbands. First Peter 3:7 tells husbands to give honor, and Titus 2:4 speaks of wives loving their husbands. Paul emphasizes particular responsibilities without canceling the duties Christians share.
Respect is not a personality trait, cultural expectation, or relational strategy. It is a biblical command. Paul does not frame respect as optional or conditional. He roots it in God’s created order and Christ’s lordship. This command does not depend on:
- a husband’s perfection
- a wife’s temperament
- cultural norms
Biblical respect flows from obedience to Christ. When a wife respects her husband, she is ultimately honoring the Lord.
What Biblical Respect Is—and What It Is Not
Because respect is often distorted, Scripture must define it. Biblical respect is not:
- silence at all costs
- blind agreement
- fear or intimidation
- surrendering moral or spiritual convictions
Biblical respect is:
- a posture of honor
- a willingness to support God-given leadership
- speaking truth with wisdom and grace
Respect does not erase a wife’s voice. It shapes how that voice is expressed.
Respect Through Words and Tone
Consider a disagreement over spending. “You are hopeless with money” attacks the person. “This purchase concerns me because we had agreed to save for the repair; can we look at the budget together?” identifies the issue and invites an honest response. Respectful words can be both clear and firm.
Proverbs 12:18 contrasts reckless words that wound with wise speech that brings healing. Before speaking, ask whether your words accurately describe the problem or merely express contempt. Eye-rolling, public jokes at your husband’s expense, and treating him like a child can communicate disdain even when your stated concern is legitimate.
I discuss these patterns in four common ways wives disrespect their husbands. The purpose of recognizing them is to replace them with truthful, considerate speech.
One of the clearest ways respect is shown—or withheld—is through speech. Scripture consistently warns about the power of words to heal or harm. A respectful wife chooses words that:
- encourage rather than demean
- correct with gentleness
- avoid sarcasm, contempt, or belittling
Disagreement is inevitable in marriage. Disrespect is not. Tone often communicates more than content.
Respect Through Trusting God’s Design
Biblical respect ultimately reflects trust in God, not confidence in a husband’s flawlessness. Scripture teaches that God works through imperfect people. Respect does not mean ignoring concerns or pretending everything is fine. It means:
- praying before reacting
- trusting God’s wisdom
- addressing issues with humility
A wife honors God when she respects her husband’s role while trusting the Lord to guide the marriage.
Respect Through Supporting Leadership
Supporting leadership includes bringing your wisdom into a decision. Describe the facts your husband may have missed, explain your concern, and listen to his reasoning. A husband who wants to lead wisely should welcome this help and may decide to follow his wife’s counsel.
A difference in preference is not automatically a matter of obedience or disobedience to God. Scripture does not assign every household task or financial arrangement by sex. Couples need wisdom about gifts, work, health, and responsibilities while honoring the roles Scripture actually gives.
For the distinction between willing support and unhealthy control, see what a wife’s biblical submission is not.
Biblical leadership is not domination—it is responsibility. God holds husbands accountable for leadership in marriage, and wives honor God by supporting that role. Support includes:
- encouragement rather than criticism
- private discussion instead of public undermining
- patience during growth
Support strengthens leadership. Undermining weakens it.
Respect Does Not Mean Silence or Suppression
One of the most damaging misunderstandings of biblical respect is the idea that a wife must suppress her thoughts, concerns, or wisdom. Scripture never presents respect as the absence of a voice.
In Proverbs, wisdom is consistently praised, and godly counsel is commended. A wife can respectfully express disagreement, raise concerns, and offer insight while still honoring her husband’s leadership. Respectful communication includes:
- choosing the right time and tone
- expressing concerns privately rather than publicly
- speaking with humility rather than accusation
Biblical respect governs how concerns are shared, not whether they are shared.
Respect Through Gentle Influence
The word “may” matters. A wife can live faithfully and still experience a husband’s resistance. His response remains his responsibility. Respect is obedience to Christ, not a technique that gives a wife control over another person’s heart.
In my article on winning a husband without a word, I distinguish helpful reminders and honest expressions of hurt from repeated pressure. A wife may identify a problem clearly while trusting God with the outcome.
Peter describes godly wives who influenced their husbands through character rather than argument:
In 1 Peter 3:1–2, Peter tells wives that husbands who do not obey the word may be won through observing their wives’ pure and respectful conduct. His encouragement gives weight to a faithful example; it does not prohibit honest conversation or guarantee a husband’s conversion.
Gentle influence is powerful. It reflects Christ’s patience and humility and often accomplishes more than constant correction.
Respect Through Guarding the Marriage
Guarding your marriage does not mean keeping serious wrongdoing secret. Seeking truthful counsel from a pastor or other qualified helper is different from mocking your spouse to friends. If a husband uses threats, violence, sexual coercion, or intimidation, a wife may seek safety and help. Respect never requires participation in sin or concealment of abuse.
Ordinary disagreements can often be discussed privately. Situations involving harm require people who can respond appropriately. Do not use “protecting his reputation” as a reason to leave someone unprotected.
Respect also includes protecting the marriage from harmful influences, such as:
- gossip
- emotional alliances
- unnecessary outside interference
A wife who guards her marriage honors her husband and strengthens unity.
Respect Through Repentance and Forgiveness
Make repentance specific: “I mocked you in front of our friends. That was wrong. Will you forgive me?” Avoid an apology that immediately shifts blame: “I am sorry, but you made me angry.” If you misrepresented him to someone else, correct what you said where appropriate.
The same standard applies to a husband who has sinned against his wife. When a spouse repents, forgive as Luke 17:3–4 instructs. Serious breaches of trust may still require sustained change and accountability. Neither love nor respect means pretending that trust returns instantly.
Respect flourishes where humility is present. Every wife will fail at times to respect perfectly. Scripture does not ignore this reality. Growth begins with repentance:
- acknowledging sinful attitudes
- seeking forgiveness
- extending grace
Marriage is not about perfection, but sanctification.
Why Respect Can Be Difficult
Respect is often challenging when:
- expectations go unmet
- leadership feels imperfect
- wounds remain unresolved
Biblical respect is not rooted in emotion. It is rooted in obedience and trust in God’s wisdom. Obedience often precedes understanding.
Respect in Seasons of Spiritual Imbalance
Many wives struggle most with respect when their husbands seem spiritually passive, immature, or inconsistent. Scripture does not deny that these seasons exist, nor does it pretend they are easy.
Respect in these moments does not mean pretending leadership is strong when it is not. It means trusting God’s sovereignty while continuing to honor the role He has established. In such seasons, respectful obedience often looks like:
- persistent prayer rather than constant pressure
- encouragement rather than comparison
- faithfulness rather than frustration
God is not limited by a husband’s weaknesses. He is able to work through obedience even when circumstances are difficult.
How Respect Strengthens Marriage
When wives respect their husbands:
- husbands are encouraged to lead responsibly
- communication improves
- unity deepens
- the gospel is displayed
Respect does not diminish a wife—it dignifies the marriage.
Why Churches Must Teach Biblical Respect
When churches avoid teaching biblical roles, confusion replaces clarity. Teaching wives God’s design for respect strengthens families and promotes health within the church. Marriage discipleship that includes both love and respect reflects God’s full design and equips couples to honor Christ together.
Respect as an Act of Worship
Ultimately, biblical respect is not about personality compatibility or marital harmony. It is an act of worship. Paul frames marital obedience within a broader command:
“Submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.” (Ephesians 5:21)
When a wife respects her husband, she demonstrates reverence for Christ. Her obedience is not first to a man, but to the Lord who designed marriage. Seeing respect as worship:
- guards against bitterness
- refocuses the heart on Christ
- provides motivation even when emotions are strained
Faithfulness to God has value even when you do not see the response you hoped for. Seek His help, remain honest about what is happening, and receive support from trustworthy believers.
A Word to Wives
God does not command wives to respect their husbands without also providing grace to do so. Through prayer, repentance, and dependence on the Holy Spirit, wives can grow in respectful love that honors Christ and blesses their marriages.
Discussion Questions for Couples or Small Groups
- How does Scripture define respect differently from culture?
- In what ways can respect be communicated through words and actions?
- How does trusting God shape a wife’s response during difficulty?
- What habits help cultivate respect in marriage?
- How can churches better equip wives biblically?
For further study together, read Your Marriage God’s Way, work through the online marriage course, or explore the full marriage resource library. If you would like this teaching brought to your church, learn about hosting a marriage conference.
64 Responses
Scott,
I appreciate your effort in addressing the topic of respect within marriage, but I feel that your article could have benefitted from a deeper understanding of the challenges wives often face when it comes to respecting their husbands. As a Bible-believing woman and the wife of a pastor, I’ve seen firsthand the delicate balance between honoring God’s Word and showing respect in a marriage, especially when difficult circumstances arise. However, there are nuances and complexities in real marriages that your article doesn’t seem to fully acknowledge.
First, let’s start with a few foundational points from Scripture. The Bible clearly commands wives to respect their husbands (Ephesians 5:33), and husbands are commanded to love their wives as Christ loves the church (Ephesians 5:25). These commands underscore the mutual responsibility of both partners to foster a healthy marriage. But the reality is that there are times when a wife may struggle to respect her husband due to actions or behaviors that undermine her trust or cause harm to the relationship. For example, what happens when a husband does not love his wife as Christ loves the church? Or when he’s unfaithful (Matthew 5:32), or struggles with secret sin like substance abuse (1 Timothy 3:3)? These situations can create real obstacles in a wife’s ability to show respect, wouldn’t you agree?
Your article seems to suggest that wives should simply “respect” their husbands no matter what. However, this doesn’t take into account the complexities of real-life marriages, where circumstances may make respect difficult to maintain. For example, the Bible teaches that a bishop (or pastor) should be a man of “one wife” and not given to wine (1 Timothy 3:2-3). But what should a wife do when her husband fails in these areas? What if his actions contradict the clear instructions in Scripture?
I understand your desire to promote respect in marriage, and I agree that wives should strive to respect their husbands. However, your article lacks guidance on how wives can navigate situations where respect becomes difficult. This is where I think your piece could have been more helpful.
What would have been more beneficial is acknowledging that there are times when respect is challenging, and offering biblical wisdom on how wives can still honor God through their actions, even in difficult circumstances. You touch on this in some places, but at times it feels insincere or just a way to cover all bases. Instead of simply saying, “respect your husband anyway” – which is the overarching message of your article—perhaps you could have offered some empathy. Some words of encouragement. You could have highlighted the importance of communication, seeking help, and the power of prayer during difficult times. These are things that would empower wives who are struggling in their marriages to seek support and healing, rather than feeling that they are just obligated to submit without recourse.
Ultimately, the role of the wife is not simply to “submit and obey” regardless of circumstances, but to walk in wisdom, grace, and mutual love. Scripture calls for both husband and wife to love and respect one another (Ephesians 5:21), and that mutual submission requires understanding and empathy on both sides. A more balanced approach, addressing the complexities and offering real, biblical counsel for wives, would have made your article far more helpful.
Blessings,
Hello Mandy,
Nice to hear from you. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. You wrote:
Yes, I would agree. Did you read this part of the post?
You also wrote:
Quick question. Do you think husbands should “love” their wives no matter what? I do. Just as I think wives should respect their husbands. Love and respect are choices. I’m not saying it’s easy always to obey either of these commands for husbands or wives, and I said as much in the post. But God gives both of these commands, so we must trust He will also provide the grace to obey, even when difficult.
You wrote:
I have another post on this if you want me to provide it. Over the years, I have noticed that many people’s disagreements aren’t so much with what I wrote as with what they wish I had written. The post is already long without introducing other topics.
I disagree with your interpretation of Ephesians 5:21. It is not written to husbands and wives. It is written to all believers. Marriage instruction does not begin until Ephesians 5:22.
Paul directs wives to respect their husbands and he directs children to obey their parents. Paul uses different words for respect and obedience in the original text. They are not interchangeable words. Wives are not children or slaves, and should not be expected to act like it. Also, be careful of expanding the definition of respect – like the word venerate. Veneration is something akin to worship, and only God is worthy of worship. In your case scenario, is there any room for a wife to tell her husband what she thinks? Is there any room for her husband to accept correction from his wife? Is there any room for her in the relationship or is she required just to disappear? Please don’t talk about the military if you have never been in the military, the family does NOT work in the same way.
Hello C,
You are correct that when Paul commands wives to respect their husbands, and he commands children to obey their parents, those are not the same commands. The words respect and obey are not interchangeable. What do you do with Titus 2, which commands older women to teach younger women to obey their husbands? And what do you do with all of the commands in the New Testament for wives to submit to their husbands?
I do agree with you that wives are not slaves, just like every other individual who is expected to submit is not a slave, such as children to parents, congregations to elders, or citizens to governments.
I’m unsure why you mentioned veneration, as I never mentioned it in my post.
You wrote, “In your case scenario, is there any room for a wife to tell her husband what she thinks?”
Please read this post I wrote about husbands listening to their wives.
You also wrote, “ Is there any room for her husband to accept correction from his wife?” Here’s part of the section I asked you to read one open Many times, God has used Katie to warn me, correct me, encourage me, or direct me.”
You wrote, “Please don’t talk about the military if you have never been in the military, the family does NOT work in the same way.” I was an officer in the Army. Also, the Greek word for submit used to command wives to submit to their husbands, is a military term referring to arranging troop divisions under a commander. In other words, I make the comparison to the military, because that’s the comparison God makes in Scripture.
I came across this when I typed in Google, “How to obey my husband when he disrespects me so much.” Truthfully, after reading it, it’s everything I already knew. I know I have to unconditionally respect him, obey and submit to him and I try so hard, but he doesn’t make it easy, and I’m only human. He doesn’t read the Bible and is very old school, so appreciates and loves that I let him lead our family and have the dynamic of he is the provider and I’m the homemaker and take care of our 4 children. But he sees his role as enough, which is why I respect him. It’s more of an old school mentality of woman vs men roles than a biblical one. So, although my role biblically works in his favor, he doesn’t do his role toward me in terms of unconditionally loving me as Christ loves the church. I pray every day for him to seek God and for God to give me strength in obedience, but I’m so exhausted and feel so undervalued. He cares financially for our family, but I feel I’m left with the rest. Truly, I never complain to him; I allow him to be the man and never talk about how I feel nor nag; I just pray. But then he sees nothing wrong in his actions when I don’t express any frustration or sadness, like when he talks down to me or has no regard for my feelings or his actions, he instead has a more “ok cool, she doesn’t care” or “I don’t care, I provide the money so you should do this and that for me.” He doesn’t understand that our marriage is more than our roles to this family, but more importantly to eachother and God. It’s just exhausting and I need guidance.
Hello Tania,
I’m sorry to hear about what you’re experiencing in your marriage. I will pray for you and your husband! I would like to encourage you to read this post I wrote about encouraging your husband to lead.
Reading all of this has been helpful. I wish my wife would respect me. She has a very bad temper and anger issues that stem from some childhood and early adulthood trauma. Lately not even a day will go by without her cussing at me or calling me names or screaming or yelling at me. It doesn’t matter what I do or say, she’s just constantly angry. Hopefully I can use some of the wisdom I read here to help our marriage.
Hello Randy,
I’m sorry to hear this. I would encourage you to reach out to your elders at church and hopefully one of their wives can reach out to your wife. Also, do you think your wife would consider going through my marriage book and workbook with you?
Almost every movie or TV show brands fathers as idiots, so that would be ridicule. Resistance takes many forms, and rumors are always a threat. Someone wrote, “A lie can be halfway around the world before the truth can even get it’s shoes on.” It takes a lot of courage to rise above opposition and negativity, rather than doing the weak thing and letting it defeat you. Really all that comes from #1, relying on God, which we have to continually do, so we are ready to mount up with wings when the opposition comes.
Joe,
Keep the comments on my posts coming. People will be ready my blog just to read your comments :).
I believe that I try to the best of my ability to respect my husband. But should Christian husbands not show some respect to their wives too by words of mouth and body language? Moreso, what about when you have this feeling that he sees you as competition, as if showing weakness, accepting faults, and doing some things for you makes him a lesser man? Maybe because he thinks you are intelligent, can be independent and strong. But I think in all of these, I still see myself as a woman and dependent on him. But most times he seems to run me down as if I do not possess anything, or have a mind of my own. He sees every act as disrespectful. Because of all that you have written, I don’t think I’m doing badly, though there is still room for improvement.
Hello Victoria,
Nice to hear from you, but I am sorry about the issues in your marriage. It is so difficult to respond to these types of comments when I have not heard from the other spouse. It is not that I doubt the truthfulness of what you are saying, but the Bible tells us to hear both sides. I’m sure your husband is not perfect, but just as he is commanded to love you unconditionally, you are commanded to respect him unconditionally. I’m sure that’s not easy at times. Are you part of the local church? Can you reach out to the elders or their wives for help?
This is a great explanation of how wives can respect and disrespect their husbands.
James,
I’m blessed my post ministered to you.
Pastor Scott,
I found your series of posts on this topic when I was searching around for it on the internet. You see, I struggle to respect my husband even though there is plenty to respect about him and what there is that might making respecting him difficult isn’t egregious.
I find it very difficult to shake the idea that I married the wrong person, even though, I do actually love him as Michal loved David. Unfortunately, reading your synopsis of that story actually spoke to me because it illustrated that what inspires respect or disgust in us can run deep emotionally; seeing her husband behave in a certain way repelled her and embarrassed her. Perhaps this is a matter of taste and compatibility?
My husband last week just earned tenure with a unanimous vote at a prestigious university in the field of math, which is hugely admirable. He shared with me the letter that the department chairman wrote to endorse his tenure case, and it was filled with quotes from well respected scholars about how terrific my husband is in his field and how dedicated he is to students.
Still, while I sincerely admire his accomplishments and also his commitment to education, I find myself resenting and not respecting what I perceive as his naïveté and weakness in areas that impact our everyday lives. I earn considerably more money in a business field, and I push hard to make sure all of our home and family responsibilities are met. We recently moved to a new house (it was my idea although we deliberated about it and decided together), and while he acknowledges that he fully committed to this decision, he has complained endlessly about how tired he is, taken naps daily while our house isn’t yet fully unpacked (his schedule is more flexible than mine), all the while I work feverishly under the threat of potential layoffs as our economy faces headwinds.
If I were to fully adapt to him, as I know I should if we are to succeed as a married couple, we wouldn’t need me to maximize my income potential, and indeed we don’t need to, even with our new house. But I LIKE having money, and I LIKE scheming and plotting about how to grow wealth and take on new initiatives of various kinds. I like “pushing it” and he likes “taking it easy.”
I believe he is naive about the world in many ways, and I struggle with this. I struggle adapting to him and following him. (We’ve been married 8 years by the way and have 1 daughter).
After reading your posts, I feel I should simply give adapting to him and respecting him when I don’t feel like it a try for some sustained period. He does a pretty good job of loving me even when I am unlovable, although he is human and when I’m particularly awful he does pull away, understandably.
Still, in the back of my mind and heart I feel I probably married the wrong person, that life would have been better and easier had I married someone who naturally approaches life in a way that emotionally inspires my respect.
Hello A Conflicted Wife,
I appreciate your humility in acknowledging your struggle to respect your husband even though he should be easy to respect.
I am sorry to hear that you question whether you married the wrong person. I can tell you this: when you married your husband, he became the right person. I would encourage you to pray that God helps you view him this way. You seem like a driven person, and possibly a perfectionist. This would lead you to believe that you could have married a more “perfect” person. To be honest, I doubt that, because your husband sounds like a good man, and even if you were married to someone else you would find plenty of weaknesses, because all of us have them. You’ve shared many wonderful things about your husband, including the way he treats you. Rarely do I receive messages from woman who acknowledged being unlovable, and even rarer will they say that their husband loves them when they are making it difficult. I applaud your husband for doing so and your humility in sharing that.
Yes, David’s behavior definitely seemed to repel and embarrass Michal, but this was more a reflection of her (and in particular her lack of heart for God) than it was of David, . I do think David might have embarrassed himself a little, but he didn’t care, because he loved God so much. This is part of why David was the Man after God’s own heart despite his failures.
Every husband has strengths and weaknesses, and the strengths themselves typically have accompanying weaknesses. For example, the strong leader can be insensitive while the steady consistent husband can be boring. If your husband grew in some of the areas that bothered you, my suspicion is there would be other weaknesses that develop. You are going to need to focus on your husband’s strengths, because if you focus on his weaknesses they will begin to overshadow his strengths, and your discontentment and frustration will grow.
Also, keep in mind that you also have weaknesses and you appreciate your husband, and more importantly the Lord, being gracious to you. My wife, Katie, and I just had a meeting this morning about the way our homeschooling day looks. I was a schoolteacher before becoming a pastor, so I would do many things much differently than my wife. I wish she followed more of a schedule. I can focus on that, which was a huge blessing to me when I taught, or I can focus on all the wonderful things my wife is doing with our children, such as reading to them, teaching them music, pointing them toward Christ, etc. Even writing that to you makes me more thankful for her. If she was more scheduled, she would lose some of the flexibility that blesses me and is probably essential to being a pastor’s wife.
You might want to read this post I wrote, and in particular the section about your husband’s leadership style.
After reflecting on your comment even more, I believe part of your frustration or discontentment comes from your own success in the business world. Because you work hard and make more money than him, it is easier for you to look down on him for making less and perhaps you believe he is lazy at times because of his desire to rest. You acknowledged that you don’t need the money, but you like it. You might have to decide what you like more: making money or having a strong, healthy marriage.
You are a leader like the Proverbs 31 woman, but unfortunately you didn’t marry a leader like the husband she married. You married a follower and there’s nothing wrong with him. It’s just that eagles fly together and you’re trying to take him to heights he isn’t comfortable with.
Your concerns are legitimate but unless there’s infidelity or physical abuse you can’t divorce him.
Your husband is to improve you just like Christ improves his bride and that’s God expectations of him: not to limit or stifle you. And consequently, your responsibility is to trust and respect his leadership. And it’s obvious if you trust his leadership, you’ll have to give up on exercising the gifts that God has given you, because being a visionary is a gift. In fact, the Bible tells us to take notes from the ants that are always working and rest in times of rain. They plan ahead. That’s Godly wisdom.
All I can say is, don’t beat yourself down because your frustration is legitimate. And also try to understand him because his nature won’t change to match yours. We are who we are. Instead, pray and ask God for wisdom. You sound like a great planner and like to think ahead. It’s possible to find joy in this dynamic without losing yourself or resenting him.
I am sure you used to admire male leaders and it’s probably your comparison of your husband with them that makes it even more difficult. It’s perhaps time to make peace with the husband you have and you’ll start appreciating what he is. Ask God to help you with that.
Hello Moore,
I appreciate much of what you wrote as encouragement. Thank you for sharing these thoughts. Bm glad that you told her she could not divorce her husband, Joe discouraged her from praying, you encouraged her to pray, and you encouraged her to accept her husband for who he is.
But I might push back against your thoughts that she is trying to get him “To heights he isn’t comfortable with.” I never guarantee anyone that their spouse will grow or change, but I also would never want to discourage anyone from believing the gospel could produce significant growth and change in their spouse.
What if your husband stays on the computer all the time, doesn’t even look at you when you talk and half listens to you, then rolls his eyes at you? I put up with this for 10 long years before I reacted. He sees no fault in himself of course.
Leah,
I’m sorry, but it is always hard to respond to comments like this that sound so one-sided. I think this is why the Bible tells us to hear both sides of a matter before responding. It is not to say that there is no truth in what you wrote, but the fact that you didn’t share any of your weaknesses is telling. If you would like to share something more balanced that includes some of your husband’s strengths and some of your weaknesses, it would allow me to try to help you.
Whaaat?
Fiona,
Can you elaborate a little on why you wrote this? Was there something you didn’t agree with or understand?
Hello,
I am pastor Ray, and my wife is Annie. We have a marriage mentoring ministry and have been blessed by your teachings.
Hello Pastor Ray,
Nice to hear from you. Thank you for letting me know. I’m blessed that my teachings have served you and your congregation.
I could care less about love from my husband. Flowers and cards mean nothing even if he did do this. I feel it is unfair of him to expect me to work outside the home spend our money on things and then ask/expect me to do all the things around the home that a stay at home wife does. While he goes into the room and gets on his phone and chills for the rest of the night. If I ask him to do something, he pitches a fit. But if I give resistance to his requests he has a problem. I need prayer because I am so angry with what I feel God has set up as an unfair abusive system where a woman is trying to please someone who only takes and it’s how God set it up.
Hello BiN,
I’m sorry to hear about the difficulties with your husband. Without hearing his side of things, which the Bible commands before coming to a conclusion, I’m not sure how to respond. When you married him did you talk about working outside the home?
I will pray for you. I don’t think God has set up an abusive system, because He doesn’t force us to marry someone. God has provided wonderful instruction for marriages to flourish, but it is on us if we marry a selfish, abusive person. I’m not saying that’s what your husband is, but I am saying it is unfair to blame God for your husband’s behavior.
Trust no one. It’s sad when your husband is having affairs with your best friend. I noticed my husband getting much closer with my friend in private. His calls were a secret, and he changed his phone password. I was wondering what going on. My sister helped me to hack my husband’s phone, which is how I found out.
Melanie,
I am very sorry to hear this. Are you and your husband part of a local church, see you can reach out to the elders for help?
What happens when your husband says that he does not have to respect you as his wife? Then he says that I don’t believe the Bible.
Hello Nichole,
This is difficult to respond to, because the Bible tells us there are two sides to every story and we are not to believe one side until we hear the other side. It is not to say that I don’t believe you, but even when people honestly give their side it typically still leaves out many details.
With that said, I will do my best to answer your question. First, I would ask your husband to share why he does not respect you as his wife. None of us are perfect, so assuming there is at least some truth in what he says, then you can apologize for that and ask for forgiveness.
You can also ask him why he says you do not believe the Bible. Assuming you do, let him know that. There must be some reason for this accusation.
I am interested in using your book in our mentoring of women. Do you have a book and workbook that I can buy and copy chapters for our women to use?
Wanda,
This is wonderful to hear. I would love to see my book and workbook used this way. I am going to send you an email.
Thank you Pastor LaPierre, for your post and your comment.
I think in most marriages where both the husband and wife desire to treat each other in a godly way, misunderstandings can still happen. If not communicated about and corrected promptly they can spiral out of control and lead to a lot of hurt and disrespect on both ends.
Julia,
You are welcome. You are correct, even in the most well-intentioned marriages there are still misunderstandings and problems. Why? Because every relationship contains two people with sin natures. Yes, I agree that wives are commanded to respect their husbands, but husbands should also respect their wives. First Peter 3:7 says almost as much when it commands husbands to honor (almost synonymous with respect) their wives. God bless!
If you can find a Woman that can do any of these things. let me know. If you do, you are blessed. If you get 50% consider yourself blessed.
Craig,
There are many godly women who desire to respect their husbands and avoid the things outlined in the post. Sometimes it just takes looking in the right places, such as biblically-ordered, Gospel-preaching churches.
Thank you for the interesting and thoughtful discussions here. If asked, I’d say I would like to see more examples of how a wife should respect her husband. In our church, our pastor talks about how husbands should love their wives about once a quarter, and he often makes the husband out to be the root of marital problems, but he ha only once in 5 years alluded to the possibility of the wife being at fault in marital discord. From my perspective, my wife has rarely shown me respect even though she tells me that she loves me. When I disagree with comments or behaviors of anyone outside our household, she nearly always sides with them and frequently refuses to hear any arguments I have against their stance. For example, I wanted to remove our child from public school because of the very anti-Christian messages she was being taught and bringing home. My wife thought I was “going off the deep end” and wouldn’t listen to me for most of a year. I finally asked her to watch the documentary “Indoctrination” then pray for a few weeks before making a decision whether we should talk further about it. We did finally talk about it, and decided to homeschool, For me this was a spiritual decision. My wife usually discusses it with others as a decision for “better education” for our daughter and then sometimes will include the spiritual aspect. Another example would be our new youth pastor. He is very young (25 years old if I recall correctly), and has espoused many ideas with which I disagree, some that are theologically unsound. When my wife disagrees with him, she tells me and is very expressive, but if I attempt to discuss my disagreements with her about the same (and/or different) issues she immediately and vehemently defends him. I’ve even been in situations where she denigrates me to compliment hosts at parties or guests at our home. My apologies for the lengthy response on this thread, but I’ve struggled with this for some time and my wife refuses to listen to my side of this even when I’ve pointed her to Biblical teachings, sermons, etc, to try to be heard by her. Thank you, in advance for your thoughts.
Hello Michael,
I liked your request to see more examples of how a wife should respect her husband that I created a post on the topic! Here you go: What Respect and Disrespect Looks Like to a Husband. Also, I hope you’ll check out my message from a Marriage God’s Way Conference about wives respecting their husbands. It includes many examples of what you’re looking for. If you check it out, I’d be glad to hear your thoughts!
I think it’s common for pastors – because they’re men – to put more responsibility on the husband’s shoulders and shy back from addressing the wives directly. Plus, it seems like in some churches it’s taboo to discuss submission, even though it’s the most common command in Scripture for wives.
Have you asked your wife why she disrespects you? Is there anything you’re doing that makes it hard for her to respect you?
I’m glad you have a heart to homeschool, and I love that you asked your wife to watch “Indoctrination.” I’m a big proponent of homeschooling and think that’s a great documentary. I would encourage you to pray that God changes your wife’s heart and gives her the desire to homeschool.
Have you thought of checking out a family-integrated church? You won’t see youth pastors, because the youth pastors are the fathers.
One more thought. Have you spoken with the elders in your church and considered receiving some marriage counsel from them?
At least you didn’t imply that he was not telling the truth like you do to women who comment on here.
Fiona,
I’m not sure what comments you are referring to, so if you can give me an example or two we can talk about why I wrote what I wrote and if I should have handled it differently. Thanks for helping me.
If a woman loves and respect her husband and made a mistake once in not respecting him. Is it right for the husband to embarrass his wife in front of a visitor. Shouting to her and walking out of the house staying two nights presumably at a hotel. Can you please advise on this. Thank you.
Hi Pamella,
God’s commands for husbands and wives are not conditional. In other words, they do not contain the word “if.” God simply commands husbands to love their wives, and wives are commanded to respect and submit to their husbands.
Since the commands are unconditional, we’re expected to obey them regardless of how our spouse acts. So to answer your question simply, I would say no, it is not right for him to act that way. It wouldn’t be right for your husband to do that regardless of how well you have or haven’t obeyed God. Similarly, God commands you to obey Him regardless of how your husband has acted. So just because your husband did what you said, it wouldn’t be right for you to mistreat him in return.
I’ve never thought this way about wives respecting their husbands. Very interesting thoughts!
Hi Claudia,
Thanks for reading and commenting.
Interesting thoughts. I believe you are right. I’ve often said I don’t believe I could love a man I didn’t respect but reading this, I think I’m wrong. But, respect is beautiful and I’m thankful I don’t have to experience it personally. Do you think it’s possible to grow respect in some areas — find and dwell on the good? Thinking about this post during my day.
Hi Pam,
Seems like perhaps you felt otherwise before reading. Thanks for withholding judgment and reading with an open mind.
Just to let you know, in a subtle way, I do believe 1 Peter 3:7 commands husbands to respect their wives when it says to honor them. It’s not as clear as the commands for husbands to love their wives, but I believe it’s there! Just like it’s also there – in Titus 2 – for wives to love their husbands.
Yes, a wife’s respect for her husband can grow, just like you said. I actually write that almost exactly in my book. Here’s part of it…
This is an excellent reminder for us to make sure our husbands feel loved by respect as well as our other actions. Thank you for sharing :)
Hi Jamie,
Thanks for the feedback. Glad it serves as an encouragement for you!
I think when we look at the 1 Corinthians 13 definition of love, the simple answer to this question would be “no”. I think you can disrespect certain things about your husband and still love him, but that true agape love will always manifest itself as respectful. Hermeneutically, it is more important for wives to respect than to love, but that starts with agape for Christ, IMO.
Hi Isa,
Even if you disagree, I still appreciate hearing your thoughts. Thanks for reading and commenting!
If you don’t mind me asking, what would you say to a husband who says, “I know my wife loves me, but I don’t feel respected by her” or a wife who says, “I love my husband, but I don’t respect him”?
I’d never thought of David & Michal’s story in that way. It is a sad example, for sure, and a good reminder. Thank you.
Hi Raia,
Glad you were able to learn something new! Thanks for reading and commenting.
Respect and feeling cherished. With the busyness of everyday life, children, school, home, it’s easy to slowly slide into unrespectful unappreciated rolls. This doesn’t only exists in young marrieds, but also throughout a marriage, despite all of the scriptures of instruction for wives and husbands. It’s a catch 22. If the husband doesn’t feel respected, he doesn’t behave towards his wife where she feels cherished.
Eph 5:33″And let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband-that she notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him, venerates and esteems him; and that she defers to him, praises him, and loves and admires him exceedingly.” This verse in its order shows the importance of an unselfish woman’s behavior towards her husband.
Husbands are also commanded. Eph 5:25 Ampl. “Husband’s love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her”(Love includes leading and providing) Eph 5:33 Ampl”However let each man of you (without exception love his wife as (being in a sense) his very own self.” This counteracts and challenges selfishness and weakness in him. With an attitude of Christ to the church. It is the means of winning from the wife her respect and submission. These verses I’ve had taped to our bathroom mirror off and on through the years. It reminds me and my husband, how God wants us to behave and treat each other by keeping our focus on His basic life principle for marriage. Also for myself Gen 3:16 “Thy desire shall be to thy husband,, and he shall rule over thee.” This helps to keep my rebellion in check.
Mary,
Great thoughts, thank you. I hope people who read the post also make it down here to read your comments.
I actually figured that probably existed even more in marriage veterans (than young marrieds), since they’ve had time to get in a rut, take each other for granted, forget the good things the other does b/c they’re so accustomed, etc.
Funny to see you quote the Amplified; I’ve used the exact verse on respect before in a sermon on wives respecting their husbands.
Thank you Scott. Sometimes we think in “big” as showing respect or cherish when it’s actually the daily “little” thing’s. My husband hates an empty sugar bowl when he has his breakfast, so, not using it myself this used to happen. Now I always make sure it’s filled. Also to always welcome him home at the door with a hug and kiss, and send him off with both and “I love you.” For me, I hate pulling back the bed at night, so he makes sure he does this for me. Also, since I do all of the cooking, he does the dishes, another icky job for me. Holding hands while walking together, I feel he, `covers` me with strength and protection. It’s the daily little actions that makes him feel respected, and me cherished.
Once again, great thoughts Mary!
I have a section like you mentioned in my book. Here’s the portion for wives:
There’s also a section for husbands based on 1 Peter 3:7 and husbands “dwelling with their wives with knowledge” (or in an understanding way). But it’s too long to copy here :).
I’m currently just beginning Chapter 7. We both know by our previous conversation I jumped ahead to Chapter 14 .. addressing another issue. Now, Scott, ha…. where do I skip to for your ref?
Mary,
You go to Chapter Eleven and the section “Learning, Then Embracing” for the section I quoted above.
You go to Chapter Eighteen and the section “Living with Her According to Knowledge” for the corresponding portion for husbands.
Thanks for sharing!
Lisa,
Thanks for reading and commenting.
Of course a wife can love her husband without respecting him. And a husband can respect his wife without loving her as well. It always amazes me how we can get our “love languages” crossed and jumbled up when we don’t take the time to understand one another.
Both my wife and I have been working harder on loving and respecting one another better. This has led to some conversation that is hopefully open and honest to how we can serve and help one another better and I think our marriage is better off because of it. We have found that when we don’t invest into our marriage, we start falling by the wayside and our marriage shows the lack. This is actually one of my goals this year is to set aside more time to “date” my wife and learn more about her.
Hi Steven,
Good point! The opposite is also true.
I’m glad to hear about the open communication taking place between your and your wife. If my book has any small part in that, I feel blessed. I received your message(s) about this discussion and it encouraged me.
I’ve appreciated not just your goal-setting mentality, but the way you make it so quantifiable.
When I read the title, I thought well YES she can. Love is a decision and sometimes it is easier to love a person without having full respect for them.
I love how you pulled an example from Scripture of just this!
Hi Laura,
Yes, I definitely agree that it can be easier to love than respect. In one part of my book I discuss how husbands can make it easier for their wives to respect them.