Win Your Husband Without a Word to Avoid Being a Nagging Wife 1 Peter 3

Win Your Husband Without a Word to Avoid Being a Nagging Wife (1 Peter 3:1-2)

You can win your husband without a word to avoid being a nagging wife (1 Peter 3:1-2). How? For the wife can win over the husband by being righteous. Read or listen to this chapter from Your Marriage God’s Way to learn more.

Your Marriage God's Way by Scott LaPierre
Your Marriage God's Way Workbook by Scott LaPierre

This post’s text is from Your Marriage God’s Way, and the audio is from the accompanying audiobook. I pray God uses the book and workbook to strengthen your marriage marriage and exalt Christ in your relationship.

Through my ministry Living God’s Way, I put on marriage conferences across the country. In between sessions I’ll meet with people. They almost always ask me questions that are difficult to answer, and oftentimes they hope that I can help fix a problem they’ve been experiencing for years in a five-minute answer.

For example, a wife will ask, “My husband won’t lead our family spiritually. What can I do to get him to pray and read the Bible with us?” If a woman married an unspiritual man, what are the chances that I can tell her something that will encourage him to be spiritual?

A husband will ask, “My wife disrespects me at home and she’s rude to me in front of my friends. What am I supposed to do?” If a man married a rude and obnoxious woman, how can I tell him, in a brief conversation, how to have a gentle, respectful woman?

These kinds of dilemmas typically take hours of counseling to resolve.

There is one question I get asked at almost every conference, and ironically, it’s one of the easiest to answer: “Should I submit to my spiritually immature or unbelieving husband?” Why is this so easy to respond to? Because the answer is spelled out in Scripture: “Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives, when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear” (1 Peter 3:1-2).

These verses are directed to wives and once again deal with submission—but with a new twist. We have established that wives are not expected to submit to abuse, sin, or even other men. But is a spiritually mature wife expected to submit to a spiritually immature husband? According to 1 Peter 3:1-2, submission is called for not only to a spiritually immature husband, but also to a spiritually bankrupt husband—or more specifically, an unbeliever.

How do we know that unbelieving husbands are what Peter had in mind? Each human author of the Bible has a recognized style of writing. When Peter mentioned husbands who “do not obey the word,” we know that he was referring to unbelieving husbands because he used similar terminology for non- Christians elsewhere. For example, in 1 Peter 1:2, he described believers as “elect according to the foreknowledge of God the Father, in sanctification of the Spirit, for obedience.” Peter equated obedience with salvation, and rightly so. While obedience is not what saves us, Scripture makes it clear that believers should be obedient. In 1 Peter 2:8, he similarly described unbelievers as “being disobedient to the word.” Because Peter used “obedience” to refer to believers and “disobedient” to refer to unbelievers, we can know that when he wrote about men who “do not obey the word,” he was referring to unbelieving husbands.

Now, just because a man is an unbeliever doesn’t mean he is a scoundrel. He may be kind, affectionate, and hold to a high moral standard. However, if he has not taken the first step of obedience—that is, the obedience of faith, which leads to salvation in Christ—then he is properly identified as disobedient.

A wife whose Christian husband is not as spiritually mature as she would like should be encouraged, because although submitting to an immature believing husband may be difficult, it’s not as difficult as submitting to an unbelieving husband. Because God’s Word commands wives to submit to unsaved husbands, how much more willing should wives be to submit to spiritually immature believing husbands? A Christian husband might not be as spiritually mature as his wife longs for, but at least she can be thankful that he is indwelt by the Holy Spirit.

What If You Are Married to an Unbeliever?

For wives who find themselves in marriages with unbelieving husbands, Peter offers encouragement and hope. Through a wife’s example of godly submission, her husband may be won to faith in Jesus. In a parallel passage found in 1 Corinthians 7:13-16, Paul explains why a believing wife is called to submit to her unbelieving spouse rather than leave him to find a spouse more compatible with her spiritual commitment:

[If] a woman…has a husband who does not believe, if he is willing to live with her, let her not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband; otherwise your children would be unclean, but now they are holy. But if the unbeliever departs, let him depart; a brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases. But God has called us to peace. For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife?

Paul’s teaching here is twofold. First, a believing spouse is called to remain in marriage to an unbeliever. “Sanctified” means “set apart” or “holy.” By staying married, the believing spouse can have a spiritual influence on the unbelieving spouse, who is “set apart” due to constant exposure to the believing spouse’s faith. This can help open the door for the unbelieving spouse to come to faith as well. Logically, we understand that one of the best ways for unbelievers to come to salvation is through relationships with believers. An unbeliever could have no more intimate relationship with a believer than through marriage.

Likewise, the children in that family are far more likely to be exposed to godly living when the believing spouse remains in the home and creates a Christian environment. The alternative breaks up the home, possibly leaving the children in the custody of the unbelieving parent. In 1 Corinthians 7:13-16, this issue is directed primarily at the believing wife—perhaps because at the time Paul was writing, husbands had sole legal possession of any children born within a marriage. A believing wife who abandoned the marriage would also be abandoning her children to the custody and sole influence of an unbelieving husband. As Paul concluded, a believer staying in the marriage may provide just the influence necessary to bring an unbelieving spouse or child to faith. It is not guaranteed, though, for Paul wrote, “How do you know…?,” pointing out that this a possibility and not a promise.

The second matter Paul addressed was that of an unbelieving spouse choosing to leave the believing spouse. While believers are instructed to stay in the marriage and be an influence to win their spouse to faith, they can’t force an unbelieving spouse to remain. This is especially pertinent when a wife or husband comes to Christ after getting married—an unbelieving spouse may end up rejecting a spouse who becomes a Christian.

Notice what Paul’s instruction is based on: “God has called us to peace.” If the conversion of one spouse to Christianity has become the source of continued conflict, then the believing spouse should not quarrel over the unbelieving spouse’s departure. This would be antithetical to the Christian’s calling to peace. In addition, unbelievers are never won to Christ through heated arguments. It is more important to be true to the Christian testimony of peace than to attempt to keep an unbeliever in a marriage by force or argumentation. This elevates the Christian faith above even an unstable marriage. It’s better to let the unbeliever depart than to sully Christ’s reputation.

This brings us to an important point: Paul’s permission for Christians to allow an unbelieving spouse to “depart” should not be interpreted as permission to divorce. As we already discussed in connection with abuse, a separated spouse is commanded to remain single while seeking reconciliation: “If [a wife] does depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband. And a husband is not to divorce his wife…A wife is bound by law as long as her husband lives” (1 Corinthians 7:11, 39; see also Romans 7:2). The principle is that even when separated from an unbelieving or sinful spouse, a believer may still be an influence for change and repentance through faithfulness to the unsaved person. God’s design is always reconciliation and never divorce.

I will be the first to acknowledge that marriage can be difficult enough for two people who are already believers—and much more so for believers married to unbelievers. But how tragic it is—and disobedient to God’s Word—for Christians to divorce an unbelieving spouse when that believer constitutes the unbeliever’s greatest chance to be drawn to faith. I have heard Christians talk about wanting to leave an unbelieving husband or wife, usually because of how terrible that spouse is. I don’t doubt what they say, but in my mind I am thinking: Yes, this sounds terrible, but the worse you make the person sound, the more obvious it is just how much your spouse needs Christ. And that person needs to be exposed to Christ through you!

A Wife’s Nagging and a Husband’s Stubbornness

Let’s take a closer look at two important contrasting points in 1 Peter 3:1: “[Husbands], without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives.” Wives are told

  • how not to try to win their husbands—with words.
  • how to try to win their husbands—with their conduct.

In Genesis 3:16, God told Eve, “Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you.” This verse reveals two struggles husbands and wives face because of the fall. As we learned earlier, the first half of the verse speaks of wives’ desires to control their husbands. This often manifests itself as nagging, which we find described in Proverbs:

  • “The contentions of a wife are a continual dripping” (Proverbs 19:13; see also Proverbs 21:9, 19; 25:24).
  • “A continual dripping on a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike; whoever restrains her restrains the wind, and grasps oil with his right hand” (Proverbs 27:15-16).

Not only is the tendency to nag ongoing, but as Proverbs 27:15-16 confirms, it’s virtually impossible to stop. When a man responds to a nagging or contentious woman, she usually becomes more contentious and argues and nags even more.

The second half of Genesis 3:16, “and he shall rule over you,” reveals the corresponding struggle men have with stubbornness. God created men to be leaders in the marriage relationship, so by nature there may be times when they are less receptive to what their wives say to them. Let me illustrate through two incidents that occurred in my relationship with Katie.

For the first few years of our marriage, every couple weeks I would grow a beard, then shave it off. At some point I asked Katie, “Do you think I should grow a beard?” She said, “Why do you ask me that? You know you’re never going to keep one. You grow a beard for a couple weeks, but then shave it.” I’ve had—and kept—a beard since that conversation!

One day I was putting wood in our fireplace. One piece was rather big and should’ve been split into two or three smaller pieces. Katie said, “You’re not going to be able to get that big piece of wood into the fireplace.” I was determined to prove her wrong and almost pulled a muscle or burst a vein when I lugged that piece of wood, but you can be sure I got it into the fireplace.

When husbands are told not to do something, frequently their all-too-human response is to do it anyway because they are inclined to be stubborn:

  • Katie: “You’re not going to grow a beard.”
  • Genesis 3:16 in action: “I’m going to grow the longest beard you’ve ever seen.”
  • Katie: “You’re not going to get that piece of wood into the fireplace.”
  • Genesis 3:16 in action: “I don’t care if I have to hold one end of this piece of wood outside the fireplace as the other end slowly burns and I push it in over the next few hours—it’s going in there.”

Two realities about our fallenness make the tension between husbands and wives even worse:

  • Husbands seem to struggle with stubbornness even more when they feel they are being nagged.
  • Wives seem to struggle with nagging even more when they feel their husbands are being stubborn.

This can create a vicious cycle that sucks the joy out of a marriage. God is aware of this, so He has revealed how to bring such contention to an end—not with words, but with godly behavior.

If you are a believing wife, most likely there are certain activities you want your husband to do, such as pray and read the Bible with you. Perhaps you also want your husband to do things of a less spiritual nature, such as finish a couple of projects around the house or take the family on a trip he promised years ago. There might also be things that you want your husband to stop doing, such as watching ungodly movies or spending too much time on a certain activity.

The truth is, nagging your husband won’t bring him any closer to being the man you desire him to be or increase the likelihood that he’ll do what you want. On the contrary, because men are stubborn, nagging will probably make him less inclined to do what you want and could possibly even push him in the opposite direction. What a wife needs to do instead is obey Peter’s command to win over her husband not with words, but with godly conduct.

The Line Between Helping and Nagging

Earlier, I shared about my addiction to World of Warcraft right after Katie and I got married. One reason I felt so convicted about my behavior was that I had married a wonderful woman, and even at the worst of my addiction, Katie continued being a godly wife. If she had nagged me, I wouldn’t have felt as bad.

Now, don’t get me wrong. Katie let me know how much it bothered her that I was playing; I already mentioned that she had a little breakdown over it. But she spoke to me honestly out of her pain instead of in anger; she didn’t nag me. Part of the conviction I felt came from being married to such a godly woman who deserved better than a husband addicted to a video game. Had she nagged me, she would not have seemed like a woman who deserved better. Katie’s godly conduct while I was being a lame husband helped convict me of my selfishness.

Hopefully, you see the balance I’m pointing out here: I’m not advising wives to refrain from ever asking their husbands to do or not do certain things, or from giving their husbands reminders. After all, God created a wife to be a helpmeet to her husband. Sometimes husbands forget things, and a reminder (or two) can be a blessing.

Also, sometimes husbands are not aware of how much they may have hurt their wives, children, or friends. It’s common for men to be oblivious to how others feel about what they’re doing, and wives can help their husbands to see what they themselves don’t see. There have been times Katie and I were driving home from spending time with people, and she said, “When you said that, it sounded rude,” or “He was talking, and you interrupted him.” Was Katie nagging me? Not at all! She was helping me grow. But there can come a point when attempts to be helpful can turn into nagging.

When wives share with their husbands what they want and how they feel, they should keep two points in mind:

  • The frequency with which a wife says things is important. At some point, a request made a few times moves from being a reminder to nagging.
  • The way a wife makes requests is important. Yelling and disrespecting a husband will not convict him. Lovingly and respectfully petitioning him about the way he is acting and the pain he is causing will. When a wife speaks to her husband with grace and patience, he will likely feel terrible for mistreating such a wonderful woman.

Husbands, in turn, need to let their wives know when they have moved from being helpful to nagging, but do so in a gentle and loving manner. Husbands who respond stubbornly to their wives are not going to help their wives stop nagging. When a husband stubbornly raises his voice at his wife or gets angry with her he is sinning, and he is also pushing her to yell and nag in response.

A Warning About Winning Over Your Husband

It’s possible for a wife to win over her husband yet not necessarily in a positive way. We have already looked at two examples of this:

  • Sarah convinced Abraham to take Hagar as a concubine.
  • Jezebel convinced Ahab to steal Naboth’s vineyard.

Scripture gives another example of a man who made a habit of allowing the women in his life to win him over with their words, with disastrous consequences. Ironically, Samson was the strongest man in history, but he was easily overcome by the persistence of two women who could be called the Queens of Nagging.

Samson, an Israelite, disobeyed God’s command forbidding intermarriage when he chose a Philistine for a wife. During the wedding festivities, he posed a riddle to 30 men from his bride’s town. If they didn’t solve the riddle, each one would have to supply him with a set of clothing. If they solved it, he would supply each of them with a set. Wanting the answer, the men secretly went to Samson’s wife, who agreed to help her fellow Philistines. For seven days she wept and complained, “You only hate me! You do not love me! You have posed a riddle to the sons of my people, but you have not explained it to me” (Judges 14:16).

Samson’s new bride “pressed him so much” (verse 17) that he finally told her the answer, and she, in turn, told the Philistine men. Feeling betrayed, Samson rejected his wife, and she went on to marry one of the 30 men (verse 20).

Sadly, Samson did not learn from his mistake. Sometime later he fell in love with another Philistine woman, Delilah (Judges 16:4). By this time, the Philistines were furious over Samson’s successful attacks against them. They offered Delilah a large reward if she would find out the source of Samson’s great strength so they could defeat him.

Delilah nagged Samson, and he lied to her on three separate occasions (Judges 16:6-14). Each time she would wait until Samson was asleep, then she would call the Philistines and act on the lie he had told her. Because Samson was lying, he was able to easily defeat the Philistines who came against him. Finally, Delilah played the victim: “How can you say, ‘I love you,’ when your heart is not with me? You have mocked me these three times, and have not told me where your great strength lies” (verse 15).

Does this sound familiar? It is almost identical to what happened with Samson’s first wife. Delilah “pestered him daily with her words and pressed him, so that his soul was vexed to death” (verse 16). She made Samson so miserable with her nagging that he wished he would die. He then finally admitted, “No razor has ever come upon my head, for I have been a Nazirite to God from my mother’s womb. If I am shaven, then my strength will leave me, and I shall become weak, and be like any other man” (verse 17).

Samson knew that Delilah would turn him over to the Philistines, but he told his secret to her anyway. This is a strong testament to the power of a woman’s nagging. In a scene that is painful even to read, Delilah cut off Samson’s hair while he slept, and when he awoke, he discovered his strength was gone. The Philistines captured him, put his eyes out, and turned him into a slave. He remained in captivity until his last-ditch stand that resulted in his death along with the deaths of 3,000 Philistines.

The lesson here is that some wives will attempt to manipulate their husbands like the two women in Samson’s life. They will play the victim and act as though they are being mistreated. They will nag until their husbands’ soul, like Samson’s, is vexed to the point where death feels like a better alternative. Their words can eventually wear down their husbands until they give in. They win over their husbands, but they do so in the wrong way

Win Your Husband Over by Godly Conduct

As 1 Peter 3:1-2 states, husbands “without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives, when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear.” Wives are not called to win over their unbelieving husbands by what they say, but by their lifestyle. The gracious submission of a Christian woman to her unsaved husband is the strongest evangelistic tool she has.

What does this look like in practical terms? Comparing 1 Peter 2:18 with 1 Peter 3:1- 2 can help with the answer because of the parallel language that appears in the verses:

  • “Servants, be submissive to your masters” is similar to “Wives… be submissive to your own husbands.”
  • “Not only to the good and gentle, but also to the harsh” is similar to “even if some do not obey the word.”
  • “With all fear” is similar to “your chaste conduct accompanied by fear.”

With both passages, it is important to understand Scripture is not speaking of servants or wives submitting out of fear to their masters or husbands, but rather, out of fear and reverence for God. The NIV translation says, “Slaves, in reverent fear of God submit yourselves to your masters.” First Peter 1:17 supports that this is the intent in both passages—there, Peter used similar terminology when he wrote to believers as a whole: “If you call on the Father…conduct yourselves throughout the time of your stay here in fear.” When an unbelieving husband sees his believing wife’s heart for God, that will serve as a powerful witness. His wife’s godly behavior will convict him of his need to be a godlier husband. Her life will speak louder to him than any words.

If a wife wants her husband to read God’s Word more, pray more, or be a more godly man, rather than nagging him, she herself should read God’s Word more, pray more, and be a more godly woman. Wives should be encouraged by Jesus’s promise in John 16:8, which says, “When [the Holy Spirit] has come, He will convict the world of sin.” Notice the emphasis is on the Holy Spirit doing the convicting. This includes husbands, unbelieving or otherwise! Wives are not supposed to take over the Holy Spirit’s role in their husbands’ lives. Wives should pray, and then trust the Holy Spirit to do the work of convicting their husbands.

No unspiritual husband can watch a wife’s godly example without feeling ashamed. A husband might pretend that he is not convicted, and his wife might not be able to tell by looking at him that he feels convicted, but he does. In contrast, when a wife is angry, nagging, and unsubmissive, the husband does not see God through her, and, as a result, avoids feeling convicted.

Jesus Sets the Example of Godly Conduct Versus Words

Jesus is the greatest example—not just for wives, but for all of us—of demonstrating godly conduct with actions versus words. Consider His silence before His unbelieving accusers:

  • “He was oppressed and He was afflicted, yet He opened not His mouth; He was led as a lamb to the slaughter, and as a sheep before its shearers is silent, so He opened not His mouth” (Isaiah 53:7; see also Acts 8:32).
  • “While He was being accused by the chief priests and elders, He answered nothing” (Matthew 27:12).
  • “Who committed no sin, nor was deceit found in His mouth”; who, when He was reviled, did not revile in return; when He suffered, He did not threaten, but committed Himself to Him who judges righteously (1 Peter 2:22-23).

These verses point to Jesus’s conduct during the unjust trials that led up to the crucifixion. He was willing to endure the shame and eventually the cross for our sake. While we were yet unbelieving and lost in sin, Jesus willingly laid down His life to win our salvation. This is the example to which we are called, whether wives or husbands. We are to be willing to live in such a way that unbelieving spouses may be won to salvation through our Christlike conduct.

198 Responses

  1. Thank you, Scott. I am doing my best to walk with a heart posture of love and service. The Word is still true today. I contemplated filing for divorce after counseling (multiple counselors). We are both quite miserable in this marriage, but I believe the Word and after much inspection of my heart. I want to walk in His ways not the ways the world gives a thumbs up to. He’s not beating me and he hasn’t been unfaithful. My relationship with my God and his desire to not have a relationship has caused a lot of strife and I know I did not handle it all that well. I’m doing today forward until He returns for me. Believing for a miracle.

    1. Hello Wendy,
      Nice to hear from you, but I am sorry to hear about your marriage struggles. I want to encourage you that your faithfulness to your husband in a difficult situation is probably incredibly pleasing to the Lord. I appreciate that you pointed out that he has not beaten you or been unfaithful.

  2. Why are you encouraging women to stay in places that are not safe? This is egregious! You seem more concerned with the marriage than the safety of the people in the marriage. In fact, I would say your ‘advice’ actually prioritizes how the abusing husband is viewed by others rather than the physical safety of the wife and children! You are prioritizing men over women at the expense of women.

    1. Denise,
      I have no idea why you said that I am encouraging women to stay in places that are not safe? I just did a simple search and found at least three instances of me defending woman separating from abusive husbands.

      1. I married unequally yoked in a backsliding state. I binge drank and fornicated with him for a year and rushed the altar (at his family’s house, and one was ordained but not a true believer; I found out later she was an apostate Catholic who works at an adult store). The Holy Spirit warned me multiple times of my now husband’s anger and perversion, but I continued to marry him. We argued all the time for over a year, and we did a separation for almost three months last summer. We only get along when I walk on eggshells and don’t hold him accountable or speak against anything sinful he’s doing. He curses me when angry and has threatened my life once in anger, but he has never been physically abusive. Only verbal. I fall short in bridling my tongue a lot when we argue. I’m so mad at my foolishness in marrying this man. It all feels like a charade by Satan now that I truly look back. My husband claims to “believe” in Christ but has zero fruit. He went a few times to church, but that ended quickly when I began to backslide into alcohol again. He held it against God and now refuses to return to church and always chooses work or football over services. He doesn’t lead me at all. We split the bills. He doesn’t clean at all. We don’t have a combined account. We live as roommates. When I ask him to take me to the grocery or run errands, it almost always turns into an angry argument because he is an angry man who is mad at the world, and I get a lot of the backlash for calling him out on unrighteousness. He has no craving for the word of God. I continue to read daily and speak about Jesus but my husband does nothing but work about 3 days a week as a server in an ungodly environment and when he’s not working, he’s playing computer-worldly video games with all of his free time. He eats most of the meals I cook in front of the computer, talking to other gamers on a headset. I feel alone in this marriage. I feel emotionally abandoned. We don’t talk like married couples. Nothing gets solved. He doesn’t help me at all. I can’t depend on him. He has a car and I don’t. But I walk everywhere and do my errands alone. I regret marrying him and I wonder if God wants me to separate. It kills my spirit inside to be in my husband’s company most of the time. He listens to vulgar music, is misogynistic, curses me in anger, and curses often on the headset to computer gamer friends. It cuts my spirit in half and often I retreat to the bedroom and shut the door. We can’t watch TV or movies together bc he wants vulgar “comedy” and I can’t stomach that media any more. So we argue and end up not watching anything. He is very very worldly and this marriage is pulling me away from Christ. I think I’d rather be alone and celibate for Christ at this point but I feel so trapped by those verses in Malachi and Corinthians. My husband won’t go to church. He told me he wants nothing to do with the church community and continues to go out drinking usually once a week to drunkenness and smoking Marijuana every single day. I struggled in the part with smoking and quitting. I still drink too much on occasion and lean on Jesus to remove the idol from my life but my husband tempts me a lot with that lifestyle I’m trying to flee from. It’s a constant battle with him. I feel so distant and alone. He doesn’t honor me at all. He doesn’t lead. He doesn’t help. He doesn’t pray with me. He doesn’t repent and feel conviction. Guilt is not the same when worldly. Help! What do I do?

        1. Hello April,
          I’m very sorry to hear all this. You need more help than I can provide in a blog post comment. I want to encourage you to reach out to your elders. They can provide counseling, and church discipline if your husband will not repent.

      2. As someone long unequally yoked but with an awesome marriage after 38 years, given by God –
        You wrongly quoted when you wrote: “As 1 Peter 3:1-2 states, ‘husbands ‘without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives, when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear.’ Those last words may have caused many angry comments.

        You may have misquoted in haste for:
        A) 1 Peter 3:2 is better translated not as fear but as reverence or respect in very many translations, including NASB and ESV.
        2) And, most notably, four verses later, 1 Peter 3:6 says,
        “You are Sarah’s children, if you do good and DO NOT BE FRIGHTENED BY ANY FEAR.”

        Based on all of Scripture, and my experience, I believe this last phrase addresses the main concerns of the unequally yoked and means: Do not fear your spouse will never come to Christ or will have a bad influence on your children. Instead, as in all things, pray and trust God; praying from faith does not doubt, as James 1:6-8, Matt 21:21, and Mark 11:23 all strongly warn.
        My husband will be saved. He’s grown hugely over these years to respect my faith deeply, and our marriage has been deeply improved by my following Scripture teachings in everything with him. Giving love and respect is contagious! I am so grateful he will be saved and thankful to be watching this miracle occur. And also, so thankful for the strong love and respect God has brought between us, for lo these many years. :^)

        1. Hello Anne,
          No, I didn’t misquote. I used the NKJV and that’s how it reads. But I do know that fear can be thought of synonymously with reverence.
          I’m sorry, but you are not understanding the verse or at least not interpreting it correctly. When 1 Peter 3:2 reads that the unbelieving husband observes the chaste conduct accompanied by fear/reference, it is not talking about “fear your spouse will never come to Christ or will have a bad influence on your children,” as you said. It refers to the unbelieving husband seeing the wife’s fear/reverence for God. And this fits the context that the husband is one over by the wife’s relationship with Christ.

  3. You are using this whole article to defend abusive men and make an argument that as a man and a husband you can control your wife.

    1. Hello again Samantha,
      I’m sorry, but again I can’t tell who this comment is meant for? If it is meant for me, can you let me know what I wrote would give the impression that a man can control his wife?

    2. There are too many women who can’t see clearly because they haven’t healed. This article is for people who are not trying to overcome abuse. This is for a normal couple who is working things out. The Bible is clear–Scott is reporting. Sin has entered abusive relationships on both sides: the woman who attracts and takes it and the man who is attracted to and does it. This is perverse, unhealthy, and not what Scott is addressing here. Please don’t put your pain and experiences on everyone else who is just trying to survive and flourish in their marriages.

  4. Your comments are very much “put the man first.”

    1 Peter 3:3 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. 4 Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.

    So, you’re gaslighting this commenter to believe her husband’s merits are founded because he rules over her body.

    Ephesians 5-25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her
    26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.

    Her husband absolutely needs to take a better approach at vocalizing his concerns.

    1. Hello Samantha,
      I’m sorry, but I can’t tell who you’re writing your comment to? Are you saying that my comments tell women to put the man first? I hope that’s not, because I don’t believe that’s the case. Here’s my post about husbands loving their wives as Christ loves the church. There’s no way any honest reading of Scripture could lead people to believe that

      Even though 1 Corinthians 7 says both spouses have authority over the other’s body, we understand this is not license to be abusive.

  5. 1 Corinthians 7:11 says that yes she may get a divorce, she would just have to remain unmarried or remarry her ex.

    1. Samantha,
      I’m not sure why you would think 1 Corinthians 7:11 says that she may divorce her husband? The previous verse says she should not separate from her husband, but if she does she must remain unmarried or reconciled with him. Here are the verses:

      1 Corinthians 7:10 To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord): the wife should not separate from her husband 11 (but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not divorce his wife.

      Are you interpreting separating as divorcing? They are not the same. I support separation in terms of abuse, but not divorce. Please see my post about divorce and remarriage.

  6. The woman says her husband tried to kill her twice and beats her every opportunity, and you say she should not divorce? The divorce has already happened. The marriage covenant has been broken. Beating a spouse is tearing asunder what God has joined together!

  7. Mr. LaPierre, I found your post to be Biblically sound, even-keeled, and Christlike, so I trust your insight to be Spirit-led. I rarely comment on things of this nature, but this issue I feel I don’t have anywhere to find help). I have been married two years now, and have strived to be a gentle, submissive, and Christlike wife to my husband; much like what you have discussed in your article here. I truly believe that God has put me and my husband together for His purpose to shape us more into His image, and I desire to be a quiet and gentle spirit who encourages my husband (whom I would describe as a spiritually immature believer) to become more like Christ through my relationship with Jesus as an example.

    However, there is one point of contention in our relationship that is constantly being fought about, and I am wondering if you can give me your counsel on 1. How it fits into my role to be humble and submissive and 2. Where is the distinguishing line between my husband’s sin/immaturity versus abuse.

    The issue: My husband is overbearing in his desire for me to lose weight. In my heart I know that it is important to keep myself healthy, and I have let myself go a little since we have gotten married; I am about 10-15 pounds overweight. But at the same time, I feel like my husband cares about this way more than he should, considering it is only 10-15 pounds, and God looks at the heart. My husband is constantly patrolling what I eat, how much I eat, and I know he is in a constant mindset of how unattractive he thinks I am due to my weight because he withholds physical touch/intimacy for weeks at a time. He sometimes even “kindly” “suggests” that I “fast” or reminds me that we need to work out every day for “our health”. I have tried many times to lovingly (although not perfectly) talk to him about the pain it causes me when he does these things and how I know my body and need space to find a way to be healthy on my own. And, while he has changed from being very outspoken about it to more “hands off”, his thoughts and feelings are still very obvious, and his heart on the issue has not changed. I don’t feel loved, cherished, listened to, or understood, which makes me stick my feet in the mud and refuse to be submissive on this matter, which in turn just has made it a vicious cycle: his comments/withdraw.; my hurt and resisting…

    I’d like to mention here that he struggles with a long-standing addiction to porn, which is certainly a contributing factor. By God’s grace he has been making a lot of progress on releasing the chains of addiction this past year, however), both because his “ideal” may be created through unrealistic standards and my awareness of this causes me to feel unattractive and unable to meet that standard compared to those he has watched before.

    I’m want freedom from this unhealthy cycle, but there is a part of me that feels if I work really hard to lose the weight, that my husband “wins” and he won’t learn anything from my struggle to feel loved by him despite my looks, which is what I want and need. However, I also have the sense to see my own pride and selfishness in saying that. So, I feel as though if I am completely submissive in losing weight, I am also condoning my husband’s sin.

    I hope I was clear on the situation, and I pray for God’s wisdom and direction on how to proceed further. Thanks for your time, Mr. LaPierre.

    1. Hello Marissa,
      Nice to hear from you. Thanks for your thoughts. I’m sorry to hear about what you’re experiencing. But I am glad to hear that you believe that God put you and your husband together. So often I hear people, especially wives, say they believe they married the wrong person. But when you get married you became married to the right person.
      Here’s the verse that came to mind:

      1 Corinthians 7:14 For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.

      Now obviously there are limits to this verse. I try to consider how my wife wants me to look. For example, she likes me having a beard, so I have a beard. If she hated it, I would shave it. Similarly, my wife tries to look nice for me, which I appreciate.

      I do believe that telling a wife to lose some weight could be selfish and sinful. I also believe if a husband (or for that matter wife) says their spouse should lose weight for health reasons that request could be reasonable and loving.

      Unfortunately, without hearing your husband’s side of things it is hard for me to respond. As I’m sure you know, the Bible says we should hear both sides before coming to a conclusion.

      I am sorry to hear about your husband’s struggle with pornography. I know that when men look at this there’s no wife that will look good enough for them.

      I don’t think you should feel like losing weight is allowing your husband to “win” as you put it. Even if you do lose weight, no matter what you look like, your husband could still struggle with pornography. In other words, you would not be letting him win regardless of what you do.

      I repeatedly tell people in counseling that we should do the right thing, not primarily for our spouse, but for Christ. What does Christ want you to do? If he wants you to be healthier then do it for him. The other side of this is I would tell people who are addicted to working out that if it is an idol, they should limit it for Christ.

      With that said, even before you mentioned his struggle with pornography, I was wondering if that was the case because perhaps, he’s comparing you to the woman he looks at.

      I don’t mean this harshly, but you described your husband as a spiritually immature believer. I hear this frequently, especially from wives. This is the man you married, so you must expect spiritual immaturity from him. There are three things you can do. First, do what’s right, not for your husband, but for Christ. Second, pray for your husband. Third, reach out to the elders of your church for counseling, because I believe the help your marriage needs goes beyond the help I can provide in these comments.

    1. Sue,
      I’m not sure I understand your point ensuring this? I’m sure there are horrible pastors who have defended abusive men. I’m also sure they gave ungodly advice in the process, whether to the abused wife or the congregation, or perhaps even the authorities.

  8. Dear Scott,
    Kimberly and all other women in danger of abuse must use the law of the land to confront and escape. Calling the police is the first line of defense. Church elders put themselves in the position of being swayed by a manipulative husband and therefore responsible for the well-being of the wife (and children if there are any). You must educate yourself (dare I say) on the current state of the church as it plays the role of a safety net for dangerous, abusive men! Wise council from the elders would be to initiate legal action. I reference the many instances of church leaders allowing atrocities to continue among their male members under their authority.

    1. Hello Sue,
      Nice to hear from you. I agree with you. According to Romans 13 the law should be involved in criminal situations, which can still allow for counseling and discipleship. If you are responding to one of my comments, can you let me know what made you think that I don’t think the authorities should be sought?

  9. This is ludicrous at best. Marriage is a covenant and when someone abuses their spouse, THEY break that covenant. By giving that kind of advice you are putting women and children in harm’s way. Christ loves people more than he does marriage. Many times, it’s not Satan working. It’s the entitled attitude of an abuser. It is not the spirit of someone that has The Holy Spirit residing within them. I pray that God convicts you of your dangerous advice and comments.

    1. Hello Kimberly,
      I am not exactly sure what part of the post you are referring to, or maybe you are even referring to someone’s comment? I am going to assume you are responding to some part of the post. Can you please let me know what part exactly?
      I believe that separation can definitely be appropriate in some cases of abuse. Hopefully the abused person will reach out to the church elders and they can provide a few things. First, hopefully they can help provide a place for the abused person to live, and possibly with the children as well. Second, they can provide counsel. Third, they can confront the abuser and follow the steps in Matthew 18 if there is no repentance.

  10. Hi there. I found a lot of encouragement reading this post and the comments others have left here. My husband and I have been married for 3 years, and I thought we had a similar faith. I knew I needed to marry a believer, but I didn’t know how spiritually immature he was. There have been numerous times through our marriage that have shown me his lack of dedication to God. Now, he is saying he wants to transition and live as a woman, but he does not want a divorce.

    I confess that I have been nagging him to change, and trying to win him with arguments and scripture. I believe scripture is very clear about God’s design for marriage. Over the weekend, he told me he isn’t interested in what any more scriptures say, his mind is made up and he believes God supports him. This post convicted me of my sin in trying to control my husband. I have no choice now but to use my conduct instead of my words. I’m scared, and sad, and mourning for the marriage I thought I’d have. But I am choosing to trust God and be patient with His plan.

    The post really convicted me and gave me hope, and the comments are very encouraging. Thank you for the uplifting message and the righteous guidance. I appreciate any more advice you have. Any brothers and sisters who may read this, please pray for me and my family. God bless.

    1. Hello Reluctant Lesbian,
      I am so sorry to hear this about your husband. You are correct that it would be sinful for him to attempt to live as a woman. Are you part of a local church? I would highly recommend you to reach out to the elders. Not only can they counsel you, they can also confront your husband. If he goes forward with this, and refuses to repent, they can go through the steps of church discipline with him. Hopefully that will prevent his behavior. Along with that, your continued prayers for him and Christlike example are truly the best thing you can do in this situation.

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  12. You have to leave to get to a safe place. It’s not God’s will for you be beaten at any opportunity he gets. That’s not love nor does God wants you to experience that. It’s just not safe for you and your children. Continue to pray and seek WISE counsel. Ask God to give you a safe exit strategy!

  13. If your husband has tried to kill you and beats you, that is not a safe situation and you should physically remove yourself and your children to a women’s shelter. They can help you legally separate (but no need to divorce), so you can provide safety for the children. Hopefully during that time your husband will choose to get help with his issues and maybe someday be reconciled.

  14. Kris,
    I understand where you are coming from. My husband doesn’t believe, but I do. You need to build your support network to lift you up, so you can discuss your feelings and situation, while being respectful to your husband. He’s hurting too, and I think men have a harder time discussing pain, because many, who have been hurt, fall into the shame trap. Acknowledge his pain like you want him to acknowledge yours.Show him respect and love because everything you do to your husband, you are doing to God.

    I found the books “Love and respect” and “boundaries” helpful. It’s not easy, but lean on the Lord, pour your heart out to Him. He’s working all things for your good. Trust there’s good to be found in your marriage and cling to the process and progress that has been made. Be patient with your husband, respect him like you want to be loved. You need love like he needs respect.

    The pain is real sister, but so is the reward. I cling to James 1 and 1 Peter. Cling to God’s word and find your joy and rest in Him and His promises. Sometimes you can’t be as emotionally intimate as you’d like, but take joy in the closeness you have. There may be weeping in the night, but joy comes in the morning. Night doesn’t last forever, pray for the dawn and act as if you believe it’s coming. God is faithful. Give your husband, marriage, and children to Him, He loves you, your husband, and your children more than you do. Show them where your strength, joy, and courage is found, in the Lord.

  15. Hello,
    I’m Ruth, married to an unbelieving husband for 6years with two kids 5 and 3months old. I’m in a bible school which is also my church but my husband wants me to stop my church claiming it’s too far from our home. He doesn’t go to church. He rents pastors each time we want to dedicate a child.

    Both his family and mine have held meetings on this issue 4 times (once every year) since I joined the church. Let me mention that I joined the church because of the problems In our marriage at a time when I was almost committing suicide.

    We’ve been separated 4 times since the beginning of this problem. Now my family is tired of us and they want me to stop my church because my husband told them that there is a man I want to marry in my church.

    Just yesterday I went to the marriage welfare in state to ask for help in getting a divorce. Because he had attempted to kill me twice and beats me at every opportunity. The only time we don’t argue is when we are keeping malice. My husband currently does not speak to me and does not provide for me and the kids.
    Please advise me cause I want the marriage to work knowing that the devil is at work. One time I dreamt that my husband’s real head had been buried yet he had another head on. Please help me.

    1. Hello Ruth,
      I am sorry to read all this. I do not think you should divorce your husband. More importantly the Bible tells you not to do so. First Corinthians 7 clearly says that you should remain with him. I would advise you to reach out to the elders of your church for counsel. Perhaps one of them can reach out to your husband and help him.

  16. My husband is a believer. But his prayer life seems to consist mostly of prayers before meals and prayers when other people invite him to pray (including me.). He watched TV with all his free time (until the TV was destroyed by lightning, which he got angry at me pointing out that this could be considered an Act of God) and he reads books in the bathroom but they’re never Christian books. But he knows the Bible super well. And whenever I start discussing some Bible topic with him, he gets super passionate and even really angry and starts quoting verses at me angrily to prove his point. To me he seems like a very unspiritual and angry man with a Bible. I know I sound very critical but he’s just always angry and it gets worse whenever the Bible is a point of discussion. I’m learning not to come to him with any Bible questions.
    I know he’d love for me to submit to him quietly in everything, but I’m not sure this would convict him of anything at all, he’d just be glad to be free to watch TV (once he buys a new one) without anyone bothering him.

    1. Hello Being driven away,
      I’m sorry to read this. Without hearing your husband side it is hard for me to respond. Obviously you can guess that I would encourage you to keep praying for him. Have you thought about reaching out to one of the elders in the church to see if he could come alongside your husband? Perhaps take him out to coffee and see how his spiritual life is doing?

  17. For the wives on this post struggling with unbelieving or spiritually immature husbands may my testimony today encourage you.

    I’ve been in prayer for my husbands salvation for many years. I was raised in the church as a child and knew enough not to marry an unbeliever, but never know what someone needed to know to confirm they were truly a believer. I didn’t know at the time we were married that just saying you believe in God was not enough, I was extremely immature in faith/my walk with Christ.

    Over time it became obvious that while we both acknowledged God’s existence, neither of us were born again. The Lord called me first and in 2013 I was born again, which is when it became even clearer that my husband was an unbeliever.

    At first I wanted him to know Christ for me and the sake of our children, but God made it clear that our walks were independent and I spent many years taking our children to church alone while he slept in on Sundays.

    Over time the Lord showed me I had to submit, even to an unsaved husband, because of my trust for the Lord, and so I obeyed and submitted. The Lord began to show me how my commitment to Him started to rub off on my husband, first he started coming to church, then started to ask questions.

    It was a tough road because when you submit to an unsaved spouse there are times you are going to be hurt due to their lack of discernment and sometimes harsh approach/reaction to you.

    There are many days I prayed to the Lord asking Him to fix the man He paired me with 😩 others when I genuinely sought God for his salvation and even others when I cried on my face before the Lord begging The Lord to save him. Continuing to love my husband and praying for his salvation during those years helped me to submit even further to him even when it hurt.

    But glory to God I can boldly say earlier TODAY my husband confessed Christ as his Lord and savior and received salvation.

    Stay the course ladies, and stay in prayer, submit unto your husbands even when it’s hard to do so, and love them to Jesus. I can attest that I won my husband over through conduct and not nagging and he like many is extremely stubborn.

    Praise God for what He done in mg household and I know if He can do it in mine, He can do it in yours. Glory Be To God.

    1. Lily,
      Thank you so much for this wonderful testimony. I hope numerous wives read it and find encouragement from it. What a blessing to see how you obeyed God’s Word and he used your faithfulness in your husband’s salvation. What a blessing this must be to you as well.

  18. You are absolutely right to have rebuked him sharply. If half of Christians were doing what you’re doing there are not words to express the difference it would make. What you are feeling is guilt over sinning by marrying an unbeliever, but here’s the thing: after one repents of sin, he/she will still usually suffer the consequences of those actions, but you have been forgiven, and the Devil is trying to destroy you with guilt. Your marriage is valid, and any thoughts to the contrary come from the destroyer. You are amazing, and when God forgives, he forgets, when the Devil reminds you of your past remind him of his future… you might want to think about the story of Samson. Samson wanted to marry a Philistine woman, but his parents were against it, and scripture says this was of God as God’s plan in it was war against the opposing forces. (For others considering doing the same thing I’m in no way condoning marrying unbelievers, but once it’s done then it’s time to go forward.) Think of it this way- Although there will be struggles God has a plan in this, and the salvation of someone you wouldn’t have been able to reach any other way is what the plan is.

    1. Hello Wesley,
      Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I appreciate your encouragement that when God has forgiven us we shouldn’t let the devil cause us to think we are unforgiven.

  19. Hi dear Kris,
    I too have been in a difficult marriage for two decades. So many times, I felt like I was being punished through it. All I’ve ever wanted was to be loved, but I have come to the conclusion that the love I’ve been seeking was God. Everything and everyone else have ripped my heart apart. But I have also found that living being offended, wounded, bitter, angry, and unforgiving has destroyed me, my heart, my soul, and my walk with God. And no one and nothing is worth that.

    I couldn’t write everything I’ve been through here, but God is worth everything. You are not alone. Find peace in His Word and keep yourself busy. That is what I try to do. I wish I could help more.

  20. My husband and I got married for the wrong reasons. We’ve been together for 30 years now. But the cracks are showing now. I think I just loved the idea of being married. Any advice would be appreciated.

    1. Hello Mary,
      I’m sorry to hear about your marriage difficulties. Have you ever heard it said that even if you married the wrong person he/she became the right person when you married him/her? I agree with this. I suspect many people have felt like they married the wrong person at different times. The question is what can you do to have a marriage that glorifies and honors Christ. My advice would be to go to the elders of your church and receive biblical counseling from them.

  21. It’s a sad thing that wives become mothers to their husbands. Maybe a man should look to God and not hold his spouse responsible for his failures. Now that would be so attractive!

    1. Hello,
      Yes, it is sad when wives treat their husbands more like children than heads of the household. I agree with you that a man should look to God and not hold his wife responsible for his failures. Did you see something in the post that made you think I think otherwise?

      1. That is not what “Me” meant, and you know it. I find your “advice” to women is getting more and more manipulative as these comments roll on.

        1. Hello PQ,
          I know that’s not what she meant, but what she said was still true: it is sad when wives treat their husbands more like children than heads of the household.

          Okay, thank you for letting me know, but can you tell me what exactly I said that’s manipulative? Or more importantly, what I said that’s unbiblical?

  22. I am struggling to move past and forgive my husband for his past actions towards me, He can be very verbally abusive during conflict. His words cut me down and he resorts to name-calling (sometimes in front of my son). This has really hurt me. I have continually asked him to build trust and show different habits during conflict. But I have yet to see any big changes after all these years. He used to be physical by pushing and shoving and throwing things. I am thankful that he no longer does this but I am weary it may return. So, in conflict I now ask him to leave to prevent further escalation and any impact on the children. He is a new believer, and tries to read the bible and books and podcasts. He expresses remorse but finds it incredibly difficult to gain control of his words in conflict. When he does leave the home, he will not do anything productive or attempt to reconcile and show trust. I resort to being the bigger person trying to talk things out and point out better things he could have said. I am fearful I have become the nagging wife by continually asking him to rebuild trust and asking for change. The lists I give do not work. I know I am not the holy spirit and am trying to move out of the way. I have become incredibly distant as I don’t know what to do and am so hurt. I don’t know how to turn toward him as the pain of the past and his words are great. During this distance he began having a beer or two and hiding it. He is aware I do not like these coping mechanisms and ask him to commit to healthier ways to repair. These lies are setbacks and push me further away. I would be eternally grateful for any words or advice. Infact, in my years of searching, this has been the only website that had advocated for the sanctity and endurance of marriage. Many websites focus on women as victims and needing to get out. Abuse and toxicity are complex and there is a spectrum of behavior. I find it hard to discern what to do. Thank you for reading this. I am truly indebted.

    1. Hello Kris,
      Nice to hear from you, although I am sorry to read about the trouble in your marriage. While I don’t doubt the truthfulness of what you have shared, the Bible says we are expected to hear both sides. Without talking to your husband, I’m not sure that I can offer much help. I receive questions like this, but I have not found the time to counsel couples outside my church.

      Are you plugged into a local church? Can you reach out to the elders for help? Perhaps speak to one of their wives for counsel? Then maybe one of the elders can reach out to your husband?

  23. Hello,
    My husband and I are both born again believers, but my husband sometimes talks about his past relationships, and he is also becoming worldly. This makes me so sad. I pray for him but, he is not putting the effort spirituality. He is backsliding. What should I do?

    1. Hello Daughter of the King,
      Nice to hear from you. I’m sorry about the struggle with your husband that you are discussing. I don’t think we should talk about our past relationships. Can you ask your husband to stop doing so?

      Second, continue to strive to be a Christlike example to him. That’s the point of these verses: women win their husbands spiritually by their behavior.

      Finally, are you plugged into a local church? Could one of the men in the church come alongside your husband? Perhaps one of the elders?

  24. My wife is seeking a divorce and we have only been married for 18 months. Painful. I did not love her as Christ has loved the church but I did/do love her and worked very hard to be a Godly husband. There was no adultery on my part, but there were harsh words from this writer’s mouth which led to her decision. Please all who read share my burden and pray that the Lord God softens her heart, removes the scales which remain and deals with me where I have failed and she seeks reconciliation and allows the Lord God to restore us in Jesus’s name!

  25. I feel like the devil works hard to destroy my marriage. I backslid and married my husband during this time. I repented and came back to follow Christ. But now I have an unbelieving husband.

    My comment isn’t really about submission, but rather how God views my marriage. Doubt has definitely crept into my mind, leaving me feeling guilty for being with my husband. A couple of comments over the years, by Christians, have really caused me to stumble in this area.

    The first was a Christian counselor who told me that I was living in sin because my husband was an unbeliever and because we didn’t have a church wedding. We got married at the courthouse so he said our marriage wasn’t “blessed” or legitimate in God’s eyes.

    The second came from a member of my prayer group. He said he received a revelation from God telling him to leave his wife because they were unequally yoked. So, he divorced her. Now he is praying for a new Christian wife. He encouraged me to leave my husband on and off for roughly a year. I always gently rebuked him, telling him God was not saying this to me. I also corrected him with scripture, primarily 1 Corinthians 7 where it specifically says for Christians not to leave their unbelieving spouses. But one day he finally went too far and said “God told me to tell you that you are unequally yoked with your husband” and again told me I was being disobedient to not divorce him. At this point my gentle rebukes went out the window and I straight up went off on him about that revelation not being from God and this whole thing being unbiblical. I told him none of this was from God and he was projecting a supernatural experience (that contradicted scripture) onto me. He got angry and sarcastic with me and stormed off. We did make peace after that, and he never encouraged me to leave my husband again.
    But these things have gotten my mind all messed up. I worry about how God sees my marriage. I worry I may somehow be in sin. There are times I think so much about it that I really believe that it is spiritual warfare. I can also think of other things the devil has done to try to destroy my marriage. I just hate feeling double minded about this. I pray and read scripture to get more rooted in the truth, but this has become a stronghold in my mind.

    1. Amy,
      I am sorry to hear about your situation, I thank you for being so honest and transparent.

      Even if you feel like you should not have married your husband, when you married him, he became the husband you should have married. I hope that makes sense. In other words, sometimes people think they married the wrong person, but when they got married their spouse became the right person.

      I completely disagree with the first Christian counselor you mentioned. He is wrong and I can’t think of any verses that remotely support his counsel.

      The man from your prayer group has used God’s name to commit sin. That is very grievous. You were right to rebuke him. He is telling you to leave your husband to feel better about leaving his wife.

      The truth is that God wants you to remain faithful to your husband even if he is an unbeliever. These verses make it perfectly clear:

      1 Corinthians 7:13 If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband. Otherwise, your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.

      I suspect that a believing spouse remaining faithful to an unbelieving spouse is very pleasing to the Lord, because of how difficult it is.

  26. Thanks for this article. I have been married for nearly 18 years and I am ready to quit.

    My husband and I come from different denominations. I was raised in a lively strict Pentecostal church. He got saved as an adult in a Pentecostal church with quieter worship and a more laid-back dress code.

    We met outside of church after I backslid but fell in love and got married but I feel signs were there that we shouldn’t have married. We spent the best part of our marriage arguing about beliefs and church. I followed him to his church but never liked going. I was told to be submissive by him and my Pastor. Over time I became so unhappy that I just went for going sake. He said he would never leave that church and God put him there.

    All I ever wanted was for us all to be happy with our kids and go to a church that suited us all. I did as little as I could at church and didn’t agree with many things. I think this affected the children. I begged and nagged for us to leave and compromise to go to another church to no avail. He stubbornly got worse.

    During covid he finally left our church after 16 years although he made the decision and told our Pastor without even telling me. Finally, I felt God had answered my prayers but I didn’t like the way he went about it. We therefore argued more, which made no sense as I had been waiting years for this day.

    Little did I know he discussed starting an online ministry with our friend. He has had many words and prophesies over the years from people even strangers in the street saying God has something for him to do. Again, I was not happy. He had no experience or position and I felt ashamed to tell family and friends what we were doing, scared of failure. He did not communicate with me only when he wanted me to sing or do something. But everything I did I did it kicking and screaming inside. I just wanted to go to another church but he emphatically would say God has a bigger work for him and he will not follow another Pastor.

    The ministry was going well for nearly 2 years but as churches started to open up people stopped joining our sessions and there were issues and fallings out with core members. He then again, without telling me, closed the church group, many of whom we spent time with prayer and worship unsaved and saved. Again, we fell out as he also cut off our closest friends.

    For a year he has hardly been to church. I try to go to a church but he mocks me and said I destroyed the family through my lack of submission and love for God and that I am fake with no respect and never supported him. He also says I side with other people rather than him. All I want is peace but we now argue over everything.

    Back at square one trying to find a church we can both go to but cannot see that happening.

    Our marriage is based on past arguments, who has done what with a lot of bad feeling. I have said some awful things over the years, often wishing he would disappear or die just so I can be free from this marriage.

    I know I have sinned. I know I have nagged him to death. Every time I try to fix things it gets worse and he now believes no words that come from my mouth.

    I can only think now divorce is the answer and I should have done this years ago. It is only due to scripture that I hang onto this loveless marriage and save face in front of my family and friends. Everyone says we are such a happy couple. But this is a front.

    We are sleeping in separate rooms now.

    I feel God has punished me.

    Please help to advise.

    1. Hello Charlene,
      Whyou should or shouldn’t have married your husband, you did, so you must do your best to make this marriage work. No, the voice is my finances.

      I’m sorry to say thatwhen you married your husband you agreed to let him be the spiritual leader of the relationship. Unless the church is engaged in sin and false teaching you should follow your husband.

      You wrote, “All I ever wanted was for us all to be happy with our kids and go to a church that suited us all.” The problem is that it sounds like going to the church you want wouldn’t suit all of you because you husband would not want to attend.

      You said you did as little as you could at the church. That doesn’t sound like he put much effort into making work.

      I am sorry to hear about the new approach your husband has taken. This sounds unbiblical to me.

      But it sounds like your husband is back to looking for a church? My encouragement would be to do your best to support can have the church unless it is terribly unbiblical. Otherwise you’re going to find yourself arguing even more and perhaps not attending at all.

      I don’t know what you have done to try to fix things, but I would encourage you to try to be gentle and joyful.

      I don’t know if God is disciplining you, but I would encourage each of the fence and praying and see what God wants you to do help make your marriage work.

  27. Hello, we have been married for 4.5 years now. We have two children under the age of 4. My husband lived at home with his highly manipulative parents until we started dating. Initially we lived in a studio behind my dad’s house. Life was amazing then.

    A few months, before giving birth to our child, we moved into his parents’ rental house. It is a much larger home with a backyard. Well, soon after moving in my husband did a complete 360 and turned into a full-fledged mama’s boy.

    This man refuses to leave and cleave. He cannot and will not have a conversation about anything. He constantly shuts down and refuses to speak. I am sick and tired of him trying to put his mother and her wishes ahead of us. I am so tired of fighting for a husband to make us his priority. I am also very tired of fighting with him as he doesn’t speak.

    Any advice is greatly appreciated.

    1. Jasmine,
      I’m sorry, but it’s always difficult to counsel these types of situations that don’t involve hearing the other side.

      Do you want to move out of his parents’ rental house? If so, have you shared that with your husband?

      More importantly, are you both part of a local church? Have you reached out to the elders for counsel? Perhaps one of the elders could speak to your husband, because you are saying that he won’t speak to you.

  28. Hi Everyone,
    I am a wife (47 years old) married to an unbelieving husband (56 years old). My conversion was 4 years ago, and I’ve been married for 16 years. I take God’s Word very seriously and I’ll do whatever he tells me to do. I’ve been submissive to my husband even though he can be very cruel. We have a daughter who is 11 years old.

    My husband always asked me to stay home and I did, but unfortunately, he lost his job and he also started to act worse than before. Later on, I find out he was on drugs (oxycodone). I was not allowed to get into the bank account. If I asked to have access to it, he would yell at me from the top of his lungs in front of our daughter, saying the worst things he could possibly say, and not letting me see the account.

    Finally, one day I confronted him because he was falling asleep on the table while our daughter was in school, and he finally admitted to me that he was on drugs and that he spent two hundred thousand dollars, basically all the money we had saved. By the grace of God, I didn’t get a heart attack. And also, he went under surgery because he got severely constipated, so now he has a colostomy bag. I took him last year after the surgery to get help at a rehab place and they put him on Subutex (a replacement medication for his addition). Now he is under control with doctors’ supervision. Thank God!

    I kept all of this a secret from our daughter, I didn’t want her to suffer like I was. My husband told one of the ladies at the rehab that it was easy to trick me, and that I’m too soft and dumb. She told me this, which made me burst into tears. But I gave all of my pain to the Lord, because I felt as if I was dying in my suffering.

    Sadly, my husband didn’t change much. In the past he opened credit cards in my name without me knowing and I found later statements of 3000 dollars and more. he will always tell me about how I have to submit to him (this is the only verse he cares about from the bible) reminding me to not get mad because that was (is) not very Christian. He is manipulative, but to keep peace I stay quiet.

    Unfortunately, I got sick. I have a lumbar disc disease and became sick also with Tinnitus (severe ringing in my ears). I’m asking God to heal me so I can go to work since my husband can’t do it until he gets the colostomy bag reversal surgery which is in one month. We are going through severe struggles paying for bills and he doesn’t seem to worry much. I sell things online but it is not enough.

    I thought about separating from him (not divorce), but I know that he will try to open more credit cards in my name, or apply for government assistance without my consent.

    I don’t have a church right now. The one I was going closed down in the pandemic, so I don’t really have a pastor or elders to advise me.

    Please brothers and sisters, pray for my husband, my daughter and for me. Help me pray for my husband’s salvation and for me to stay strong. My daughter needs me and sometimes I wake up with thoughts like asking the Lord to take me with him. I got down to 105 lbs. Sometimes because I don’t have enough food and sometimes because I can’t eat. I’m the one who takes care of our daughter. He won’t do it.

    Still, I’m staying faithful to my husband and submissive to him and I will do it even if that will bring me to my grave. I understand that my husband doesn’t know what he is doing since he is not a believer in Christ, so I don’t blame him.

    Please, I’m just asking for your prayers so I can get through this, I do pray always but I know that I need help. Pray for us please🙏🏻

    My God bless you all❤️

    1. Hello Rita,
      I’m very sorry to read all this. You asked for prayer and I will pray.

      The one other thing I would add is that you should look for a new church. If you let me know where you live, I could help you find one. You need the sort of help that elders and a church family can provide.

      1. Thank you so much Scott, I know that our fight is not against flesh and blood but against principalities, against the powers of this world. My the Lord give me the wisdom and the strength I need.

        I live in North Miami Beach Fl, in Miami Dade Country, but I’m also close to Broward County.

        Thank you so much for your help, It means a lot to me. May God bless you and your family ❤️

        1. Hello Rita,
          You are welcome. I’m blessed that this post ministered to you.

          I can’t tell how far this church is from you, because Miami is so big, but I would recommend Christ Community Church. My friend, Bernie Diaz, is the pastor and I could get you in contact with him. God bless you as well!

  29. I love this blog post! It’s so helpful and I can definitely relate to it. I’ve been married for almost 7 years and I still struggle with not nagging my husband. It’s so hard to not say anything when you’re convinced you’re right.

  30. Me and my husband have been married 8 years and we have had alot of problems in our marriage. He rarely ever initated intimacy with me during our entire marriage and in the beginning of our marriage i was a normal weight and he would just blame laziness or depression for it but i also found that he had been paying to look at other women on webcam before we got married. We are both believers also. Over the years i learned to just accept it but i gained some weight because i felt that he didnt find me attractive even when i was thinner so why does it matter how i look? I know now that is not healthy but he now blames that for our lack of sex. He also has problems with drinking and steroid use that have just gotten worse over the years and i never told anyone about any of our problems because i turned to God instead and it was also embarassing to be honest. I have gotten very lonely in our marriage but this just pushed me to get closer to God. This year one day he came home at 6am after staying out all night drinking and i was really upset with him because the one other time he did this he got arrested. I will admit i am not a perfect wife because i am human but i try to be as Godly as i can but he doesnt view me that way. He is dealing with depression because his parents are separated and his only brother turned gay so i know he is going through alot but i always tried to be there for him and talk to him but he never opened up to me much. He is very stubborn and closed off. Anyways, when he came home at 6am he was very drunk and wouldnt tell me where he was (he wasnt where he said he was because i drove there looking for him at 3am when he wasnt answering me) so of course since he didnt want to tell me my mind started thinking he was cheating on me so i got upset. Then he told me he no longer wants to be with me any more, doesnt want children anymore, ( which i struggled with infertility our whole marriage), and doesnt want anything i want anymore. I later found out he lost alot of our money with crypto so he was really going through alot. For months he put in the divorce but i never got any papers, i moved into my parents house every other week but would come back because i missed him but he would just keep telling me he doesnt love me anymore. One week i decided to follow this example in the Bible of winning over your unbelieveing husband without words. Before i kept making promises that i would change ( because he only said i need to change not him) because he didnt like being told what to do (even though he pretty much always did what he wanted he would go out drinking at bars alot and i never told anyone until he wanted to leave me). Then I decided to just show him love even if he no longer loves me and not question where he is going even though i knew he was drinking. He is also using steroids so i know this behavior is stemming from that. He eventually gave in and even said he was sorry and we are back together but there is no true repentance that i see in him. He wants me to lose weight, that is his biggest issue with me, and i agree that i should and i am trying and have lost some weight but not all. He also said he doesnt want to be held accountable which i know is wrong but i just am trying to trust God right now. He has also been denying me sex more than ever since we got back together and i am struggling alot in that aspect. Please pray for us and if you have any advice i would really appreciate it. I am continuing to try to win him over without words and cannot lie, i have failed many times because i get worried when he comes home drunk. I also spoke to our pastor and he did too but he refuses to meet with us all together. He says he loves me now but so much trust has been broken and he doesnt realize how much he has hurt me and doesnt care. He says he is too broken himself to try to fix our marriage. I try to tell him to turn to God and to stop drinking and doing the steroids but he wont listen. I am going to stop telling him what to do and hopefully God will soften his heart.

    1. Hello Ana,
      I am very sorry to hear all this about your husband. I am very glad to hear that your marriage problems brought you closer to the Lord.

      I really appreciate your testimony and efforts to apply God’s Word. It does seem like it worked to an extent and that your husband reconciled with you. I would encourage you to look at the progress that has been made even though things are far from perfect. You said he has not repented yet. I would encourage you to continue to pray for that and strive to be an example of Christ to him.

      Can you reach out to the elders of your church to see if one of them could come alongside him? Possibly one of them could begin discipling him?

      Even if your husband never changes you can still focus on doing what is right before the Lord. Look forward to when you will be rewarded for your faithfulness in a difficult situation.

      1. Since I last wrote I have found out that he has also been going to strip clubs throughout our entire marriage and I gently confronted him about it he denied it at first and then admitted it but isn’t sorry and doesn’t seem to care. Since he didn’t care, I told the pastor and now we are going to force a meeting since he never wanted to meet before. I also want to ask your opinion on now using a tough love approach? My sister gave me a book by Dr. James Dobson called Love Must Be Tough and it recommends to use a tough love approach when husbands are living in sin and don’t want to change. Right now I am trying it and its tough because now my husband and I don’t talk anymore because I stopped trying to talk to him since I’ve found out about the strip clubs and he is not sorry. He is now gone all day and comes home in the middle of the night and leaves early morning. I want him to understand the gravity of what he’s done and am hoping this space will open up his eyes. It’s scary because it feels like this is just pushing him further away but maybe he needs this in order to realize what he’s done.

        1. Hello Ana,
          I am very sorry to read all this. Can you reach out to the elders of your church? I think their involvement would be good and necessary. They can confront him, give him counsel, and perform church discipline if needed. I agree with you that he needs to understand the seriousness of his sin, which it sounds like is not the case. Hopefully the elders can help as you continue to pray.

        2. I just wanted to say the Bible tells us in 1 John that this kind of unrepentant behavior is actually a sign a person is not saved! I think a main reason he is not changing though you are trying to be a godly wife is because the Holy Spirit does not live in him and he has not been made a new creation in Christ (2 Cor. 5:17). I would encourage you to pray for his salvation first and foremost so change can come from finding Christ as His Savior! Also, my heart goes out to you!! Your situation just breaks my heart. And I know it can be necessary to lose weight for your health, but I just want you to know that no godly husband would shame you and say you’re unattractive as an excuse to not fulfill a biblical duty to be intimate with you. My heart breaks to know you think that is your fault and how insecure that has to make you feel. I’m praying for you!

        3. Olivia,
          Thank you for responding to Ana. I agree with you that many times a wife’s husband is not saved in the best approach is to pray for his salvation and try to win him over with behavior. I would elaborate on that, but it would be simply repeating what is written in the post.

    2. Hi Anna, I’m telling you this from personal experience but you have to fight not in the natural but in the supernatural. Eph 6:10-18 our fight is not with flesh and blood. We have to move past milk and get to solid food. We have these demons trying to steal kill and destroy our marriages and spouse. I would recommend going on a fast as a lifestyle no food you can do a 12am to 12pm or like 6am-6pm prayer and fasting. Get before God don’t focus on your husband allow God to start changing and delivering YOU. While you do this then start prophesying over your husband and marriage. In Jesus name I bind the spirit of perversion lust pornography rage mastabation, divorce hate anger fear shame any sins you can think your husband is struggling with bind it and loose it, send it to the pit and cast it out your home marriage and life. Make sure you live a life of repentance and renouncing your own sins any unforgiveness resentment bitterness offense witchcraft generational curses etc renounce to break its legal right in your life . And prophesy over your husband thank you father that my husband is healed from all hurt and trauma, thank you that he is delivered and free. Penetrate his heart lord give him a heart like David pray over his mind bind up the demonic thoughts and stronghold and declare he has the mind of Christ. Speak life into him and your marriage. Most importantly stay in your word and connected to God. He will literally lead and order your steps and give you supernatural in sight. What God put together let NO man or demon in hell separate. The enemy hates marriages. Pray this helps

      1. Hello Najea,
        Thank you for your counsel to Ana. I really appreciate what you wrote and believe that if more people did did these things and fought for their marriages as you said there would be much stronger marriages and much less divorce. You are correct that it is a spiritual battle and therefore must be approached spiritually. I also appreciated that you encouraged her to focus on herself and her growth, versus focusing on her husband. I have noticed many times that we do tend to focus on our spouse’s weaknesses more than our own.

      2. I’m a wife and my 1-year anniversary is approaching. My husband has been my friend since 1998 and he is incarcerated, that he will be released soon as he only has 6 to 12 months left. This was perfectly on time for me and Anna and I truly thank you for your response of encouragement and God’s way to allow his conviction not mine. Thank you!

  31. I love this blog post! It’s so helpful and I can definitely relate to it. I’ve been married for almost 7 years and I still struggle with not nagging my husband. It’s so hard to not say anything when you’re feeling strongly about something.

  32. I totally agree. And where is the other part of the sentence? Men love your wife? Telling your wife to be quite and not able to express feelings is not love. This man is not a man of God. He is clearly verbally, mentally and emotionally abusive. Manipulation and narcissist is what he is.

    1. Tamera,
      It is definitely very important for husbands to love their wives and I hope you will check out the post I have about that.

      I agree with you that telling your wife to be quiet and preventing her from expressing her feelings is unloving. That’s not what the post is encouraging. Instead, the post is encouraging wives to strive to win over their husbands with their actions more than their words.

    2. Tell it like it is Tamera. Stop wasting time thinking you can change someone. Shake the dust off your feet from people who constantly reject, abuse, and string you along, no matter who they are. Show love to yourself for a change.

      1. Audrey,
        You are correct that we can’t change people, but your advice to “Love yourself for a change” completely contradicts Scripture. Jesus said to deny yourself and take up your cross and follow Him. This doesn’t mean women should accept abuse (they can separate from an abusive husband) but they should not divorce the man they committed to spend their life with.

  33. Hi I have a question. A couple weeks ago God called me into ministry and revealed my calling so to say. I have been having dreams concerning the dream. I sometimes feel my husband is not supportive. He doesn’t like to listen to anything I have to say about what God is sharing with me. I feel like I’m not accepted in my own house and it’s hard. He’s christian. But he gets tired if hearing me talk about godly things. I feel now I must just shut up. But I thought hisband were supposed to be supportive ? Especially spiritually ? I’m going through a season of loneliness where my husband also is included and I feel he does not support me spiritually. I’m not sure if God desires a marriage where we do t share because we are afraid they might say we talk to much etc. Before I was delivered I’d nag allot now that I have been set free all I talk about Is what God shows me through his word through dreams etc but I’m still told I’m nagging or I talk to much. Idk what to do . If I’m wrong I completely accept it. I just need guidance . I’m in a very exciting time in my life with God . But also going through a season of loneliness. I was told many would come against me I just hoped my husband would not be one of the many.

    1. Cindy,
      Can you share with the calling is that you received?

      It is concerning that your husband is not supportive. Yes, husbands should be supportive, just as wives should be supportive, but I would need to know more details, such as: what exactly you are wanting him to support and why he doesn’t support it.

      Have your elders affirmed this calling on your life?

  34. I don’t think I completely agree with how most Christians define submission. I largely think that as a man it’s easy for us to make statements about what respect is.
    So if I say my wife is being disrespectful for doing something that my neighbors wife does. It’s disrespectful because I say so. I’ve seen too many relationship destroyed because of this teaching.

    I think there must be so much more to it than what is said. It’s pretty easy to tell women to submit to their husbands if not they’re nagging. And well, depending on who they married they end up having to sleep at 9 because the husband wants it, cook specific food because the husband wants it, dress a specific way because the husband wants it etc, but it doesn’t apply the other way around. So basically it’s really just in the benefit of us husbands. And if a husband cheats on his wife, whom he didn’t allow to have a job and she submitted to this. She doesn’t have a way out because she’s financially depending on him. She’s completely stuck. But he isn’t. I’m sorry, I know you’ll say that’s what Jesus taught. But I think everyone interprets it in their favor. Especially men. My sister believed that nonsense and it only got her killed and her kids homeless because she submitted all the way to her grave .

    I don’t believe submission is to that extent.

    1. I’m sorry, but I’m not sure how to respond. If you’re saying that a husband finds his wife’s behavior disrespectful, because he compared her with his neighbor’s wife, that is wrong because we shouldn’t compare our spouse with others. If this is not what you mean, you will have to clarify.

      It sounds like you might be saying something is conditional for husbands but not wives, yet I think both commands – for a husband to love his wife and for a wife to respect her husband – are unconditional.

      You said you don’t believe submission is to that extent and I do agree with you that there are qualifications on submission. You can read this post I wrote on the subject.

    2. I’m so sorry about your sister Brad. No one expects husbands to be mutually submissive to their wives. Scriptures are frequently weaponized against women, and we get results like your poor sister. Leave these toxic relationships because your life depends on it.

      1. Audrey,
        As I wrote in a previous comment to you, a wife does not have to submit to abuse (she can separate from an abusive husband), but she should not divorce the man she committed to spend her life with.

  35. Hello pastor,
    I’m newly married. I married a man in whom I saw innocence, ignorance and simplicity, but also red flags like asking me to be quiet when I contradict him or asking me to submit when we seem to want different things or have differing ideas or opinions. I saw his good side and chose to marry him for it. Today I see how foolish that was. Bible says fools ruin their own lives and blame God for it. But I cannot blame God for this. He took my peace away and I married this person anyway, because I was so tired of waiting. I acted in unbelief and now I am facing the consequences of my poor unwise decision.

    My husband is loving in his own ways. But he asks me to be quiet and submissive almost every week, if not few days. I’m often told he knows me better and that I should listen to what he thinks about what I can do or am capable of. He unknowingly belittles me at times. He asks me to be quiet in front of people sometimes and he never likes me contradicting him before others, not that I disagree with that, but I feel I just cannot say something he disagrees with. It is seen as disrespectful.
    Also, when I mention about my understanding of any situation spiritually, I’m told that I’m spiritually immature and I need help and that I must listen to him because God has placed him as authority over me. Granted he comes from a Christian family and I came to Christ from a Hindu background 4 years ago but the Lord grew me with patience and love and not belittling or discouraging fault finding.
    One pattern I’ve seen is – I get misunderstood for what I say, I get accused for something I didn’t mean and when I try to explain what I meant I get told I’m not submissive. It almost always goes into a debate and I’m always told how I’m not meek and quiet. He leaves the room and I cry at how hard it is to feel understood. And then I’m also told that I cry too easily. He’s even told me I’m trying to embarrass him in front of others when I’ve not been able to control my tears outside of home.
    In fact, as I write this, earlier today, after an argument when I felt unloved I controlled my tears because I don’t feel like I can cry in front of him, and as I sniffed in a bit, I was told, now don’t tell me you’re going to cry.
    It is so hard loving and submitting. I want to. I want to be like Jesus. I don’t mean to disrespect my husband, why I’m using a fake name. But I just want to share. It feels very lonely to go through this. I’m praying for God’s direction and wisdom.
    I’ve shared some details with a sister in Christ who challenges me to wisely handle my situation and build my house like the Bible says. But I feel I keep trying to submit, or be quiet, but there’s some or the other way my husband manages to provoke me. His words often stir up conflict and he doesn’t even know it. I don’t know what is the spiritually mature thing to do.
    I’ve tried sharing a little bit about his suppressive attitude with his family members and elders in the past and that went down really badly and it took a very long time for us to heal from that. So I don’t share with anyone in church. Also, when I’ve asked to approach a pastor about clarifying about roles in marriage and what feels unloving etc. I again hear that I’m not submitting to his authority and that it’s disrespectful that I want to listen from a pastor. To this day, he hasn’t been unwilling to read the book Love and Respect that was recommended to us in premarital counseling. His view is only the Bible is sufficient, no other book is necessary. But what if you’re living with someone who is quick to see the speck and blind to their logs?

    Looking for prayers, godly wisdom and guidance. Thank you.

    1. Hello Arnie,
      You said that your husband expects you to submit when you see things differently or have different ideas or opinions. I hate to say it, but that’s basically what submission means: a wife has to go along with something when she disagrees with her husband. It wouldn’t be too much to say that submission is mostly in place for when a wife disagrees. Submission is not required when a wife agrees with her husband.

      I am sorry that you married your husband and seem to regret it now. I would never encourage divorce, so you must make the best of this relationship. I have heard many women say something similar to you that they were tired of waiting so they married someone and thought later it was the wrong decision.

      I appreciate that you saw good things about your husband such as the way he can be loving. I would encourage you to look for other positive things about him.

      You repeatedly mentioned that he asks you to be quiet and doesn’t seem to listen to you. Could you privately share with him how this makes you feel and ask him how he would appreciate you sharing your thoughts with him?

      I can tell from your message that you do desire to obey the Lord. I would encourage you to pray and ask Him how He wants you to deal with the situation and pray that He gives you the grace to do so.

      I have some videos on YouTube from my marriage conference. Would your husband be willing to watch them with you? I would also be happy to get you a copy of my book and workbook, Your Marriage God’s Way, if your husband would go through with you.

      1. Thank you so much pastor for taking the time and for your guidance. I will keep these points in mind. Unfortunately, my husband doesn’t like me suggesting any marriage counseling videos or reading material. He reacts asking who is this meant for.. Are you trying to teach me? It’s not possible for me to change that, only God can. So I pray for myself to have strength and patience and for him to see I only want to see him grow in humility and wisdom, and I don’t mean to disrespect him or teach him or assume authority.

        God is faithful. My help comes from Him. I will reach out if in future if my husband is willing to go over any material. Thank you pastor.

        1. Arnie,
          You’re welcome. I appreciate your teachable spirit. If your husband is not open to any teaching, then you can only focus on yourself and being the most faithful, godly wife you can be. You said only God can change him, and that is true. I appreciate that you have that realization. God bless!

        2. Arnie, he’s not going to listen to anyone, he’s his own god. He will resent you more for trying to get counseling, and will act like something is wrong with you! If you stay long enough, you’ll start believing it too! He’s tearing down your self esteem, nothing you do will be right in his eyes. Leave now.

        3. Audrey,
          As I wrote in a previous comment to you, a wife does not have to submit to abuse (she can separate from an abusive husband), but she should not divorce the man she committed to spend her life with.

      2. Note to Arnie,
        Marrying someone you know you shouldn’t have is a sin. When we realize we have sinned, we confess it to God, repent of the sin, and strive to sin no more. God does not call us to submit to abuse either, as the author has already said. Does God hate divorce? Yes. However, God loves YOU and does not expect you to stay in a marriage where you are being abused emotionally, mentally, and spiritually…which you have described very well. In fact, you have described a narcissist. This is a person who possesses a Jezebel spirit. Big Hugs.

        1. Teri,
          Thank you for responding to Arnie. I agree with much of what you wrote. But you said that God doesn’t expect you to stay in a marriage where you are abused. Do you mean you believe divorce is permissible when people are abused? If so, I disagree. Separation is permissible. As elders, we would work hard to remove a wife and children from an abusive husband/father. But we would never encourage the wife to divorce her husband. We would want to give the gospel time to work, pray for his salvation, and hopefully see restoration.

    2. I also just wanted to say while it is true wives are to submit even if they don’t agree, that doesn’t mean the way he’s belittling you in all ways is correct. I’m not saying that so you can resent your husband, but because I want you to feel understood. He isn’t supposed to say you have No capability to understand spiritual things and he shouldn’t belittle you crying because the Bible tells men to live in understanding that wives are the weaker vessel and we will be more emotional. That’s why moms can be nurturing! You should read what submission is not from Hope this helps comfort you! He isn’t in the right and God is pleased when we want to honor Him so much we try to act godly even when our spouse doesn’t. Proud of you for your efforts! Praying for you!

      1. Olivia,
        Thank you for sharing these thoughts. I agree with you and communicated the same sentiments in other posts about the ways that husbands should love and treat their wives. You mentioned what submission does not include and I have a post on that subject: Six Examples of What a Wife’s Biblical Submission Is NOT (Ephesians 5:22-24).

        Finally, you said God is pleased when we honor him even when our spouse does not. I tend to think God is even more honored in difficult situations, which means that a wife staying faithful to an unfaithful husband is a great demonstration of faith.

  36. Thanks Pastor, more truth and love!

    My same dysfunctional behavior over and over and expecting a different result sure has been frustrating.

    1. Please pray for my husband and I and our marriage of 46 years. We are struggling with many things. We really need help.

  37. Great teaching, Scott. It helps me as a pastor to explore the secrets of marriage and God’s revelation for couples. Now is the time for people to be working with God. Bless you!

  38. If he just did the thing she was asking for, there would be no ‘nagging’. Most of the things a wife requests are perfectly reasonable and only become problematic when her husband repeatedly ignores her. It’s all on him, he has the key to making sure she doesn’t get so desperate.

    1. Fiona,
      So you don’t think wives can ever nag their husbands? The verses in the Bible, particularly in Proverbs, warning women about nagging are in there unnecessarily?

      Also, you wrote that it is all on him. Do you really mean this? A wife can never bear any of the responsibility or fault?

      1. Of course she must be responsible for her own behaviour. But like Fiona, I think that her behaviour will be determined by how she is treated. A wife who is constantly frustrated by her spouse’s bad behaviour can’t (and shouldn’t) respond with submission.

        1. Gina,
          You said the you think her behavior will be determined by how she is treated. I will say her behavior, or let’s say obedience, can be made easier or harder by how she is treated; however, to use the word determined is to say she is not responsible for her behavior. I have seen this too often in marriage counseling from both husbands and wives. Husbands can be as guilty when they say they will not love their wives because of the ways they are being disrespected. The fact is, God’s commands to husbands and wives are unconditional. They don’t contain the word if. God doesn’t say, “Husbands, love your wives if…”

  39. May I ask how a believing wife is to respect her husband when he could care less about serving God and verbally lashes out at her no matter how godly she tries to be? He’s like a train out of control because his sins were found out and so now all he does is find fault with her mistakes that have been long corrected while his were still and may still be an issue. He refuses any form of outside help or counsel, nor will he do research together with her as she grasps at every straw doing all she can to bring things to a level of peace, harmony and happiness. Sadly it is pushing her further and further away from her relationship with the Lord and causing her love for her husband to become less and less. And yes it really is a toxic back and forth that she has tried almost in vain to fix. Thank you so much!!

    1. Christina,
      Not to repeat the whole post to you, but the answer is in the verses of the post was written about. First Peter 3:1-2 says, “Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct.” These verses clearly state that the woman you’re referring to should try to win over her husband with her Christlike conduct.

      If you don’t mind me asking, if the man you’re referring to is as bad as he sounds, why did the women marry him?

  40. This is a great post. My mother and step-father have always preached this; women need love more than men, and it needs to be shown to them in different ways and more often. Men need respect more than women, and respect needs to be shown in different ways and more often. I hate to hear women talk bad about their husbands to each other or in public, and to hear constant nagging. Marriage is supposed to resemble the relationship between Christ and His Church, and I doubt that a nagging/disrespectful wife shows that sort of holy relationship!

    1. Thank you, Kay!

      Yes, in God’s wisdom there are reasons He commanded wives to respect their husbands, and He commanded husbands to love their wives. In the marriage counseling I’ve performed, I’ve often found conflict takes place when men don’t feel respected, and when women don’t feel loved.

  41. This is very interesting. Who knew… I wonder when asking someone to do something becomes nagging. I don’t believe a wife should constantly ask her spouse to change who he is to please her, but I think sometimes men think they are being nagged when really they just need to get rid of the wood pile in the yard or take out the trash. I like what JJ had to say and the quote by C.S. Lewis. I do think respecting each other involves learning to change our own perspectives and choosing to love the quirks and imperfections in each other.

    1. Hi Rachael,
      You said:

      I wonder when asking someone to do something becomes nagging.

      I think that depends on the person. This is why husbands need to understand their wives, and wives need to study their husbands. Here’s a portion from my book:

      Learning Your Husband’s Respect Gauge
      After listening to hundreds of hours of my teaching, Katie often knows how I will answer questions and can even finish sentences for me. Because of this familiarity she can help me know when not to say certain things. She will swipe her hand across the front of her neck, signaling, “Not a good idea.” Perhaps the most common criticism I have received of my preaching is that I talk too quickly. Katie will make a hand motion that lets me know to slow down.
      I find these actions helpful, but Katie has had other women tell her: “I can’t imagine doing that to my husband when he is talking.” I have had men ask me: “You don’t mind when your wife does that?”
      At the same time, there are things other men might find helpful that Katie knows I find disrespectful. This is why it is so important for wives to learn their husbands. The biblical instruction for wives to submit to their husbands also includes the concept of adapting. This is captured in the Amplified Bible:
      • Ephesians 5:22—Wives, be subject [be submissive and adapt yourselves] to your own husbands as [a service] to the Lord.
      • Colossians 3:18—Wives, be subject to your husbands [subordinate and adapt yourselves to them], as is right and fitting and your proper duty in the Lord.
      • Titus 2:5a—[Wives should] be self-controlled, chaste, homemakers, good-natured [kindhearted], adapting and subordinating themselves to their husbands.
      • 1 Peter 3:1a—In like manner, you married women, be submissive to your own husbands [subordinate yourselves as being secondary to and dependent on them, and adapt yourselves to them].

  42. Great job! I know nagging is a common source of tension in relationships and I feel like your blog post did a great job of shedding light on the effects!

  43. What would your suggestion/wisdom be regarding a wife who exhibits the following traits?

    • Psychological projection (kettle calling the pot black)
    • Emotionally induced accusations (delusional reality – fact manipulation)
    • Never ending demands (cannot be satisfied)
    • Verbal abuse (temper tantrums – screaming and stomping)
    • Superficial/Primitive (child-like) reasoning skills
    • Extreme resistance to admitting fault (victim mentality)
    • Intentionally spiteful rebuttals (sharp tongued assaults)
    • Hypocritical double standards (inconsistent/shifty philosophy)
    • Resistant to correction (cannot swallow her own medicine)
    • Resistant to praise (skewed context as patronizing condescension)

    I am literally at my wits end. Although I cannot financially afford to leave – not to mention the religious convictions – I am considering divorce as a last resort. Your article could explain why my health has been slowly degrading over the three years we’ve been together (married one year now). And I say this as a borderline health nut who has always been mistaken for looking about 10 years younger than my age. I’ve never needed routine medical care until now. Maybe it’s because I’ve arrived at my mid 40’s now, but I still eat very well (even kosher) and workout every day. So I found this article to be coincidentally compelling.

    Her primary “Love Language” is Acts of Service. So I have gone to the extreme of printing out check lists to make sure that I’m doing my utmost to live up to her (unrealistic/unquenchable) expectations. My primary “Love Language” is Words of Affirmation. She knows this, but has remained consistent with the verbal abuse, name calling and insults. I really have no means of retreat to anybody or anywhere else – she is constantly suspicious – most likely due to her first two marriages failing to infidelity. I have exhausted the Proverbial Contentious/Quarrelsome wife syndrome with her – but the result has been something like trying to herd cats while simultaneously running into a brick wall. At this point I would literally welcome death. Suggestions?

    1. Hello TMS Zurishaddai,
      There’s a lot I need to know to try to form a response. Is your wife a Christian? Do you pray with her, read the Word with her, and take her to a bible believing church? Have you sought counseling from the church? Do you have children? What does your wife do during the day? Stay-at-home mother or student or work?

  44. Thank you for the prompt reply Scott. I’m not exactly sure what my husbands fears are. I was mainly questioning the fear part in regards to the other persons post…my husband is extremely pessimistic and negative. When we were dating I saw that he had a tendency toward negativism and I was willing to see past that. I am the complete opposite and tend to be overly positive and see the best in people even when I should probably recognize some faults. I figured we would balance each other. After over 9 years of marriage I am beginning to struggle with the overly negative view. I have prayed and prayed that he would recognize when the voice of the enemy is whispering negative thoughts, prayed that the Holy Spirit would fill him and give him discernment, and prayed for divine order in our house. I admit that in the past two years I have become discouraged and am praying less. Due to this I find that the negative attitude is trying to take root in my heart and the enemy uses that to try to discourage me further! I plead with God to stop this cycle…it is driving a wedge between my husband and I and it’s heart breaking 🙁 I read this post and it really touched me. I used to be able to overcome the negativity easily. Words of encouragement (my husbands first love language) used flow ceaselessly from my mouth and now I find those words come less easily for me. I am fully aware that this is probably my problem but I struggle with constantly being the encourager when the one I’m encouraging never begins to see the positive. I feel like after 8 years of consistently speaking encouragement, praying over lies that the enemy is speaking into his mind and using against him, and trying to be the spiritual leader of the household, that I am exhausted.
    My hope is that since you or even your wife can offer me some encouragement or insight on how to pray differently for my husband. While nagging specifically isn’t the issue, I feel like the first response to this post resounded deeply with me in regards to the negative portion. Our pastor often mentions that we should not keep company with negative people because they can wear on you and bring you down but I need to know how to address negativism when the person whose company is negative is your spouse…and divorce is not an option! So I just need ideas on how to encourage him, encourage myself, and to keep praying. Sorry for the long post! Thank you in advance for your response 🙂

    1. Jen,
      I can’t tell you how many people I’ve met who have gotten married “hoping” their spouse would change, be different, etc.

      If it’s wearing on you so much to keep trying to be the encourager – and especially if it’s not working – then I would encourage you to stop trying to be the encourager. Conserve your time and energy for more profitable areas of the relationship. Keep the prayers going up for your husband and marriage, but don’t try to change him (which is somewhat what you’re doing trying to encourage him when he’s discouraged). Be a good listener. Let him be negative. Let him be discouraging. Don’t try to talk him (often argue) out of it.

      I might not have the most encouraging news for you. The longer I’m in ministry, the more I become convinced that people don’t change that much. Instead, people have to learn to accept their spouse, choose contentment, pray for grace, and pray God helps them love and cherish the person they’ll be with for the rest of their life.

      You asked me how to pray differently for your husband, and I might invite you to pray for yourself more. Pay you have the strength and endurance you need being married to this man.

  45. One question. How do you “minister to his fears”? What does that look like in action? Is that quiet pinpoint prayer with specific scripture about fear, conversing with him regarding what those fears are, or a general sense of prayer in all areas of fear?

    I guess what I’m asking is how do I minister to a fear if I’m not sure what the fear is of? Thank you for this post Scott it was exactly what I needed to read!

    1. Hi Jen,
      Thanks for the question.

      Without knowing more details about your husband’s fears, here are the general recommendations I’d make…

      You already mentioned prayer. Continue to pray for him, and pray that God will help you to know how to minister to him and be an encouraging, wonderful wife.

      Share encouraging verses with him.

      Make encouraging statements to him: “God wants you to lead our family. He’ll help you do that. I know God wants what’s best for us and He’ll use you to see that happen. God is going to work through you.” Compliment your husband on his strengths: does he work hard? Is he a servant? Is he faithful in the Word? Faithful at church. Encourage him in these areas.

      Has God been faithful to your family in the past? Remind your husband of that: “God has taken care of us in the past and He’ll continue to do that.”

      If you want to give me more details of the situation I can try to respond more specifically.

  46. CS Lewis wrote, “When serving your spouse, you aren’t pursuing him but what you hope he would be. Far better is to love the original, not your revised edition. After all, you’re an original, too.

    Loving the original requires lifelong adjustment on your part, and this deference is a key proof of the marital love that Christians are called to (Eph. 5:21-33). Don’t be discouraged when you don’t see eye-to-eye with your spouse. Where there is no disagreement, no annoyance, no resistance, there is no opportunity for sacrifice. If we love only what is pleasing to us in our spouse, we are loving only our preferences. We don’t need the gospel to do that.

    We do need it to free us from our tendency to adjust one another constantly to our liking. Jesus came to serve an impulsive Peter, a distracted Martha, a dubious Thomas. And he came to serve a silly person like each one of us. And yes, Christ’s redemptive love changes us by degree, but this change is about conformity to righteousness, not conformity to personal preference.

    So if your husband laughs too easily for your taste, love him for it. If he’s more pessimistic than you prefer, minister to his fears. If he’s quieter in social gatherings than you’d like, be grateful for it. If he has more difficulty making plans than you think reasonable, come alongside happily. In all the little spousal resistances, celebrate the privilege of loving a person, not an image.”

    As Lewis said, reality is iconoclastic. And thank God this is especially true in marriage.

  47. This topic fell in my spirit this morning and I began to research the scripture and commentaries on this topic. I came across this article. I learned some things I did not know. I have been seeking God for wisdom and as I mentioned, I learned some things reading this. I have been struggling with things in my marriage which I am seeking direction from God concerning, how to move or if to move. Reading this helps me to know that in my lifting my husband in prayer daily, I am doing the best thing I can concerning him by praying for him. We have been separated for 4 years married 6. I am blessed in reading this because in my keeping myself and conducting myself as a married would should, I am pleasing God with my actions. By my not nagging or confronting him about his actions, but praying for him, knowing that the Word of God is true, even though he does not show that my prayers are effective, I know they are and God will allow the Holy Spirit to convict my husband. Reading this helped reassure me to continue to press on and not give concern to what things appear to be. However to know that God is in control. I will continue to trust in God’s unfailing love for me even when I can’t see what He is doing.

    1. Hello Mrs. Henderson,
      Thank you for reading and commenting. I am encouraged that my article ministered to you.

      Your words blessed me. Yes, God would have you lift up your husband and pray for him daily. I am sorry to hear about your separation, but I will also pray that God uses this, in particular your response, to provide reconciliation.

      I have a sermon on husband’s loving their wives. Do you think your husband would listen to it if you sent it to him? I would also be happy to provide free copies of my marriage book and workbook for you and your husband if you would like.

  48. Hey Scott,
    I really appreciate this article. I am not married, but I am engaged and I am struggling with overly criticizing my fiance. He is a Christian, however I am not certain that he experiences conviction or has as much zeal for Christ as I do. He has told me time and time again that all I do is nag him. We’ve dated for four years and it’s a vicious cycle of contentment and then discontentment. He loves me whole heartedly for who I am and accepts me, but I don’t think I truly accept him because he isn’t living up to my expectations of him. He is an introvert and doesn’t necessarily like fellowship with other Christians. He goes to church, reads with me on occasion, says prayers before work, after meals, before bed..etc. BUT I feel he doesn’t have a servants heart ad he is young. I am 24 he is 23. He has so many great characteristics, but I feel confused most of the time and I know God doesn’t operate in confusion. I don’t know if I should continue our relationship and live out a Godly life and win him over(however long that will take w/out a certainty that that will even work) or breakup with him because I am impatient and know what I want. Perhaps God is using this situation to show me my own shortcomings and how I should be the change I want to see. I don’t know. I just don’t want to be out of God’s will. I am afraid most times of the future. I pray ALL of the time. Please help me.
    Thank you

    1. Kria,
      Nice to hear from you. I’m blessed that my article ministered to you. I’m also glad to hear that you are focusing on these things even during your engagement.

      I have found that often women are more spiritual than men. Of course, this makes for challenges in the relationship. My best guess why God allowed it to be this way is because as soon as a man is ready to lead, he will be able to look to his side and see a wife who is thrilled for that to be the case.

      I am not trying to discourage you from marrying this man, but I think you need to decide if you want to marry THIS man versus someone you want him to be in the future. I cannot tell you how many women have come to me and told me that they “Hoped” their husband would be a different man when they got married. And if you do want to marry him the way he is, then you cannot try to change him. It isn’t to say that you can’t hope for growth and pray for that and try to encourage it, but you can’t count on it.

      Ask yourself: do I want to spend my life with him the way he is now or do I want to spend my life with him the way I believe he will be in the future? If it is the previous you should continue, but the latter you shouldn’t marry him.

      Also, keep in mind that according to 1 Peter 3:1-2, as the post discusses, you should try to influence and encourage your husband by your behavior versus your words.

      1. Thank you for responding in such a timely manner. I have a Christian therapist who has asked me the same thing, can I see myself marrying him the way he is now? My answer is no. However just because we are engaged doesn’t mean I have to marry him this year or even next year. I think for so long I have tried to control him and the situation while thinking that I was being loving because I have always just told him what God says about things and how he should be if he is a Christian. However, I think I am now willing to try it God’s way.. lovingly, true love that is patient and kind.. not self-seeking. I think it is okay to just be engaged for another year or two and if after trying things differently by making behavioral changes ( slow to anger, being more understanding, more patient, less critical) if I still see no progress then I would probably end the relationship. It will be super hard, I know. Honestly I am praying for God to just change his heart and also mine in some aspects. I believe in the power of prayer. Also Does 1 Peter 3:1-2 only apply to married people?
        Thanks again!

        1. Hello Kria,
          If the answer is no, then you definitely should not marry him now. I am not saying you should break up with him or that you should never marry him in the future. Maybe he will change and become the man you would be willing to spend your life with. You said it well: “just because we are engaged doesn’t mean I have to marry him this year or even next year.”

          Hopefully this new approach you will take is one God will use to help him become a better man and one you would like to marry. I think your prayer is a wonderful one.

          In answer to your question, those verses are for husbands and wives, but by extension they apply to men and women in general even when unmarried.

  49. The salvation of a mate is a serious thing. However God’s ways are not our ways. He reaches in and causes our hearts to submit to Him. It usually takes a wake up call to get our attention. We all enter the Kingdom through a raging battle. We accept Jesus finished work of the cross but we can also perish for lack of knowledge. Only God can turn a heart toward Him through Holy Spirit’s power working through prayer and fasting. It is the greatest miracle and blows as the wind. Only God knows and if we take one step He takes two. He loves each of us too much to give up on us. We are fighting powers and principalities in hi places.
    We fight with God’s weapons of love and gratitude and leave the results in His Almighty hands. We call those things that be not as tho they were-exercising our faith. The fruits of the spirit must totally be working through us who truly know Jesus. Our example will crack the shell that holds our loved ones captives. We command the enemy binding and loosing. God is faithful. Let us believe !!

    1. Hello P Greiner,
      You made many good points. I agree with you that God’s ways are not our ways and He is the Initiator of our salvation.

      I appreciate you providing the encouragement to be an example that points others toward Christ.

  50. Great article, one pattern I noticed is this with all these women and their husbands non believe or believing. Y’all should have figure out who these men are before you were married to them. The men don’t deserve these women at all. id say its better to be single than deal with this passive aggressive narcissitcic BS. Men have gotten away with every bad behavior for centuries and for their kind conduct to be weighed on the lives of women to be praying for them to be nicer? accountable? seems like men aren’t taking accountability for the shit they must adhere too:

    MEN SHOULD BE TEACHING MEN THIS AND MAKING THEM ACCOUNTABLE AS THIS IS HELLFIRE THEY MUST FACE OR NO ENTRANCE INTO THE KINGDOM. Sorry but the constant burdening of women to be praying for year after year when there is prob demonic strong holds OR they are just fricken lazy ass men and 3000 year later still lazy. Sure there are women out there who are hags but we still live in a men ruled fallen world. Men who say they are godly should NEVER act like this to their wives. ITS THAT HARD AND THAT SIMPLE BUT MEN HAVE BEEN CONDITIONED FOR CENTURIES WHAT DO YOU THINK WE HAVE TOXIC FEMINITIY TODAY? WOMEN ARE TOLD UNDER HARSH CORCUSMTANCES JUST TO “PRAY MORE” GIVE ME A BREAK?

    1 Timothy 3:3 (NIV) not given to drunkenness, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money.
    Revelation 21:8 ESV / 32 helpful votes Helpful Not Helpful
    But as for the cowardly, the faithless, the detestable, as for murderers, the sexually immoral, sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars, their portion will be in the lake that burns with fire and sulfur, which is the second death.”

    1 Corinthians 6:9-10 ESV / 32 helpful votes Helpful Not Helpful
    Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.

    Galatians 5:19-21 ESV / 28 helpful votes Helpful Not Helpful
    Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.

    1 Peter 4:17 ESV / 23 helpful votes Helpful Not Helpful
    For it is time for judgment to begin at the household of God; and if it begins with us, what will be the outcome for those who do not obey the gospel of God?

    1 John 5:18 ESV / 13 helpful votes Helpful Not Helpful
    We know that everyone who has been born of God does not keep on sinning, but he who was born of God protects him, and the evil one does not touch him.

    1 John 3:6 ESV / 11 helpful votes Helpful Not Helpful
    No one who abides in him keeps on sinning; no one who keeps on sinning has either seen him or known him.
    James 4:17 ESV / 9 helpful votes Helpful Not Helpful
    So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin.

    1. Nicole,
      You are correct that men have abused the authority that God has given them in marriage, but it is not a good reason to deny that authority or the plain teaching in Scripture that wives win over their husbands with their behavior versus their words.

      Also, from the marriage counseling I have done and marriage conferences I have put on the most common complaint I have heard from woman is not that authority is barbaric or chauvinistic or only for narcissistic men. Instead, the most common criticism I have heard from wives about their husbands is that their husbands won’t lead.

      No, women are not told to just “Pray more.” Instead, as first Peter 3:1-2 says they are to act in such a way that the gospel is evident from their lives. This is much more than simply praying more.

      1. To say that men have abused their authority that God has given them is like saying that water is wet. But it does not do is begin to cover the damage that the water has done or does in it’s wake. Every single day in marriage men drown their families in a deluge or tsunami of sorts. Emotional spiritual an otherwise.

        The question is not why men an are not being taught how to be husbands but why women keep being burdened with the sins and responsibilities of the husbands. It is good to be the preeminent, the primary, the one yes beautiful and important even but those also come with preeminent responsibilities.

        Any man who abuses his wife in any way shape or form commits a sin of weakness and any who abuses his wife even after multiple conversations is commiting a sin of waywardness which is willfully and essentially disobedience. Repeat offenders indeed.

        Genesis 1 and 2 have set the blueprint for all marital relations. And God put the man in the garden to dress it (H5647). Meaning to serve, protect, work, protect. The list goes on. And to keep it H8104 guard, attend, keep, work. This list too goes ono that’s the first rule. And the rule that God Himself set after bringing Adam and Eve together is that a man shall leave his father and his mother and cleave H1692 which means to adhere to his wife, to follow close, to pursue. The list goes on. Don’t see too many men respecting or doing this or any pastors preach about this truth be told.

        The sole responsibility of the marriage according to Gods blueprint fall on the man. At least in huge part. Not the woman. She is the helper, which is another expression that has been contorted by men to oppresd their wives. But that’s for another time. Society has turned men into idols propped up by the church to be sacrificed on the alter of self worship at the expense of the very thing that they are called to serve and protect. What a joke! Only it’s not funny.

        Anything that goes against the blueprint of Gods plan is just cultural gibberish. I doubt that God will be more concerned about my submission than if I have harmony in my marriage. And if I am wrong I pray that the Holy Spirit opens my eyes because there is mutual submission in harmony which is what love is. And that is how to the garden was designed.

        So the idea that the woman wants to control her husband is also gibberish. There is nowhere in scripture where that is said and that is a teaching that needs to be slaughtered. It is so pervasive with men and completely destructive. Her desire is for him and her irritation comes from the fact that he keeps preventing her God given mandate for oneness with him through his consumate selfishness. I am living it right now.

        Yes and it is true that men do not read these blogs for the most part unless it has some captivating titles like wives be submissive to your husbands. That is pretty much common knowledge. So a shift in tactic is called for. People have been preaching to women for too long. It is time to start teaching men to be men and by connection better friends and husbands. After all it’s called a patriarchy not anything else and there is nothing wrong with it. The system is perfect but until the administrators start doing their jobs and doing them well, we wil be stuck in this shit hole cycle of abuse and retaliation where we are because of the spiritual and other incompetence of men. Most men will break marriage covenant in some way of form because of the image of the fallen Adam which is to abuse his wife. So it’s time for men to start assuming their responsibilities. And give the absolute narcissism a complete rest.

        1. Jane,
          I am not excusing men being abusive whether physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually. My post makes this clear as I condemned the sin of abuse. But regardless of how many men have disobeyed in this area it doesn’t negate what God’s Word says. The fact is people have disobeyed every one of God’s commands, but it does not negate the commands themselves. You wrote, “Anything that goes against the blueprint of God’s plan is just cultural gibberish.” I agree. Do you see anything in my post that goes against God’s blueprint?

          You wrote, “So the idea that the woman wants to control her husband is also gibberish.” God clearly said women would desire to control their husband, but he must maintain authority. Please see this post I wrote explaining this temptation women face.

          If I understand your comment you are saying that instead of desiring to control him she would simply desire him in a positive way? What kind of curses that?

          You wrote that men should start assuming the responsibilities. I agree with that. In the same post I linked to I have a section about men struggling with passivity.

    2. Nicole, your words are dicey, but in my opinion, they are true. Women are left with the burden to sit with quiet conduct, and pray for men who are repeat offenders and willful abusers. In my case, verbal, emotional and financial. (No physical). Some things should not even require prayer, because it a matter of a man just wanting to be the same person he was when he dated. And while it can easily be said to figure men out before you marry them, that is not always the case. The person I married went through great lengths to exemplify every fruit of the spirit he could possibly imitate and put on full display. After marriage, he literally stopped; and now when questioned about his change in conduct, and is approached about doing things that are not in line with salvation, he flatly stated, “you didn’t expect things to be the same as they were when we dated, did you?” Actually, “yes” because it means you intentionally deceived me…deliberately presented a false-self, with the intent to manipulate and gain something you know you didn’t deserve. I am deeply devastated by my fear that this motive was willful and deliberate. I am angry. So no, my response to this is not as easy as to sit and be quiet in my conduct. He has to be held accountable for this because he got involved with another LIFE, not to mention he involved a COVENANT. In all fairness, I am not God and don’t know his heart, but if his heart matches his decisions, words, and the tone of his words, I have nothing else to go on.

      As I mentioned, some things should not even require prayer because there are people who are not professed to be saved who exemplify common sense in their approach to life. I should not have to pray for a man to give rent to the family we are temporarily living with. Nor should I be silent about it. At age 54, you know better. He has expected better out of his own adult children who came to shack with him, so there’s no excuse to act like he needs some “deeper” understanding of scripture as it relates to being a provider, or some deeper level of salvation. Its not even about salvation. Its about being a stingy jackass getting over on my family, and taking advantage of the fact that they are Christians, and won’t say anything to him about it.

      You don’t have to be a man saved for no looooong time, to want to tell your wife where you’re going when you leave the house. That just comes with being a responsible transparent MAN. I should not have to pray for crap like that, nor should I keep silent. Quote scripture? No, but I should have the right to tell you you’re being a jackass for leaving the house to go to work and not bothering to even SPEAK to me before leaving the house – after sleeping in the bed with me all night. (Or being nice enough to get sex only to talk to me any kind of way after). That’s just pure mean and narcissistic. Salvation has nothing to do with that type of conduct. And for a wife to be expected to allow it to go on and not say anything, she’s an enabler.

      My husband to this day refuses to put me on his bank account much less shut it down from the old bank in another state, that he and his ex banked at. Despite the fact that we agreed it would be done after we married. Now it is a matter of contention. Why pray about that? It is what it is – he is a jackass. There’s no “salvation” issue at the root of this. This is just something he should do because its the adult thing to do, as opposed to traveling an hour away to do banking. He wants to keep it a point of contention for the sake of having another card to pull out the back pocket and argue about at his leisure. I now just ignore his antics. Praying for salvation isn’t always the need. It’s willful and somethings men just simply need to decide to STOP doing just as easily as they insist on CONTINUING to do. I don’t even believe in karma, but I just move on with my life knowing that what goes around will definitely come around, and when you treat daughters of God poorly, a man sets himself up for a “woe unto” like you can’t even imagine.

      1. Caroline,
        Can you help me understand something? I don’t mean this question to be rude or insensitive. I hear often about women being in relationships like you describe with terrible husbands. Because nobody forces us to marry someone, in other words the wives married to terrible husbands chose to marry these men, why would they marry men who are so terrible? If the answer is that they didn’t know the men were terrible when they married them, then that is still a problem, because these women married men they didn’t know. It seems to me that these women bear some fault in marrying these men if they are in fact so terrible.

        The problem is that at weddings the wives committed to stay with the man they married for life through good and bad, and the bad includes all of the bad you described in your message.

        I believe I do what I can in telling young women to make sure that the man they are marrying is a man they will want to put their lives and their children’s lives in the hands of as long as they are on this side of heaven.

        1. You obviously don’t know anything about narcissism! These men are so very good at hiding who they really are until they have you that nobody sees it. You say why do women marry men like this it s because they don’t know they are like that until after they’re married. Then you say we’ll then they didn’t know the man they married- always always blaming the woman!!!!!! Men like that are experts at hiding who they really are!!! They are no signs or red flags!!! These men are very careful about that!!!!!!!! God I’m so over everything being blamed on women and how we’re supposed to bow down to the almighy man!!!!!!!

        2. Deborah,
          Nice to hear from you. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. If I understand you correctly a woman can never know if she is marrying a narcissist?

          One of the things I typically encourage people to do when they are considering marrying someone is getting to know the person’s friends and seeing how those friends talk about the person. It is hard to recognize that someone is a narcissist this would seem to be even more important, because I suspect those tendencies would show themselves earlier in the friends would be able to tell the interested woman.

          As far as bowing down to the almighty man as you said, I’m guessing you’re referring to headship and submission? The Bible does identify husbands as the head of the relationship and commands wives to submit to their husbands, but it also commands husbands to love their wives with a sacrificial and unconditional love like Christ did to the church.

    3. Nicole, men write for and ‘advise’ women because other men don’t read blogs with advice for them about how to treat their wives properly. So they go for the women and tell them they must do all the emotional work. The amount of comments on blogs about sex and how to get their wives to give it to them is where the husbands are.

      1. Gina,
        I’m not sure this is true. I’m sure there are some men who are looking at blogs to learn about obtaining sex from their wives. But I think there are plenty of men who are reading blogs to learn how to be better, godlier husbands.

  51. Thank you for this article. However, what about believing husbands who won’t do their part and starve their wives of spiritual guidance and intimacy? I’ve been living this for three years. I’ve done nothing to deserve it (no cheating, have followed alongside him, supported). Sure, we go to church and he does devotions with the kids after me asking a few times (within a year, not nagging), but there’s nothing for our marital relationship. I do my part, cooking, cleaning, taking care of the family, but he has cut off ALL intimacy (sex, prayer, etc.). I have explained to him how this hurts our relationship and that it’s important to me, but there’s only talk and no action. I pray for him and try to model Christ, but this is HARD. In the three years he stopped pursuing me, i have brought it up three times. In no way is that nagging…that’s desperation. If you sense anger in this comment, you better believe it. It’s hard to watch disobedience in your spouse’s life…especially hard when he is a believer. He’s missing out on all God wants him to be…and it affects EVERYONE in the house. I have two teens (girl, 15 and boy, 13). This is modeling some bad things for them, so i have to continually pray and have faith that God protects them. I just don’t know what to do anymore, except pray. Thoughts?

    1. Hello Suzette,
      The Bible commands us to hear both sides of a story before embracing one; therefore, I would have to talk to your husband as well to fully understand the situation. But to be honest, if your husband is taking you to church and he does devotions with the kids it sounds like you are experiencing a situation that many women would love. Most of the women who contact me have husbands who won’t even go to church with them, say nothing about doing devotions.

      Alessia say for a moment that at best your husband is a spiritually immature man, and at worst an unbeliever. Either way, 1 Peter 3:1-2 speaks to your situation: “Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives, when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear.” These two verses clearly state that if you would like your husband to change, you should try to change him by your actions and behavior.

      I appreciate that you have talked your husband and been careful not to nag. How has he responded? Would he get counsel, or would he allow you to talk to the elders so that they could speak to him and try to help them in these areas?

  52. Mr. LaPierre,
    Thank you for this post, I enjoy reading articles related to this topic because the past year or so, I have been trying to work on being a more submissive wife in hopes that it will save my husband one day. He does “believe” in God and Christ but is very skeptical about the Bible- he is the type of person that does not want a book to tell him how he should live and act. I try not to preach to him, and insead i have been trying hard to work on remaining calm and kind(but also tell him hes being unreasonable) when he belittles me, which is often. I love my husband, and he is generally a good man, but he did not have a good example of marriage from his parents growing up. He’s very over criticizing of my every move, pretty much every single day, I feel I cannot do anything right in his eyes. He’s disrespects me and insults and disrespects me daily, including in front of our children. I have been praying for him everyday that the Lord makes him feel conviction and he truly accepts the Holy Spirit into his heart. I know he loves me and would die protecting me or our children, he is a good father and I am so thankful for him in a lot of ways but he makes me feel physically ill with his belittlement, cursing, and threats of making life with him harder. He has good days and bad days. Sometimes the smallest things will set him off that most people wouldnt get amgry about. I’m struggling with how I can respond to him when he’s belittling me without coming across disrespectful. He never takes responsibility for his mistreatment of me. The main thing that has kept me from going insane is knowing my worth in God instead of my worth in my husband, and the faith that I have that I can win him with my chaste behavior- whether that saves him 4 months from now or 40 years. I don’t want my little boys to grow up thinking that’s how they should treat their wife one day!
    If you have any insight to how I should best reapond to his constant criticism and belittlement, I would so appreciate a man’s prospective!! Thank you so much and God Bless you.

    1. Hello Emily,
      Thank you for reading and commenting. I’m blessed that my post ministered to you.

      Regarding your behavior affecting your husband’s salvation 1 Peter 3:1 says, “Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives.” In other words, God can use your submission to your husband to win him to salvation. He will see Christ through your behavior and be drawn to Him.

      I’m sorry about the ways your husband has mistreated you. Regarding how you can handle it easier, whenever any of us are mistreated we should think about how much Christ was willing to be mistreated for us.

      As your husband mistreats you, but you respond kindly and submissively, the Holy Spirit can convict him about mistreating such a godly woman.

      I appreciate that you look for the good things in your husband, such as the way he treats your children.

      Finally, even if your behavior never results in your husband’s salvation, God sees it, it pleases him, and He will reward you.

      You might enjoy watching this message I preached on a wife’s submission.

  53. I thank God for this post, I was so disturbed yesterday as I am praying very hard for my husband’s salvation (he is not a Christian) and to break him free of the bondage. I did see some changes but yesterday he got some candles to light (pagan festival). I was heartbroken but I decided not to nag but assertively displayed my view on this action. he understood and was scared that I would confront him. I was disturbed that I did not testify loud enough and was searching for answers and God guided me to this post. Praise God! I now know that I should allow holy spirit to work in me and my husband. Amen! God bless you.

    1. Hello Lina,
      Thank you for reading and commenting. I’m blessed that my post ministered to you.

      I am sorry to hear that your husband is not a Christian. I will pray for his salvation. I will also pray for your endurance being married to him and that he can see Christ through you.

  54. Might the Holy Spirit choose to speak to an unbelieving husband through a believing wife’s words and verbal witness? How will they hear without a preacher–can’t that apply to a godly, wise wife? Yes, the example, quiet spirit, and love are most important, submitting for Christ’s sake, I get that. But I don’t believe believing wives are never allowed to speak a word for God to their unbelieving husbands, with great humility and prayer for the Holy Spirit to give understanding and God’s call for salvation. How do we know that “disobedient to the word” in 1 Peter 3:1 means unbelievers and not just believing husbands who are outside God’s fellowship in disobedience, since Peter wrote this letter to believers? Is there something in the original language that shows us that “disobedient to the word” means unbelievers? Thanks in advance if you can answer this.

    1. Hello Beth,
      You asked some good questions, so I’m going to respond below your thoughts…

      Might the Holy Spirit choose to speak to an unbelieving husband through a believing wife’s words and verbal witness? How will they hear without a preacher–can’t that apply to a godly, wise wife? Yes, the example, quiet spirit, and love are most important, submitting for Christ’s sake, I get that. But I don’t believe believing wives are never allowed to speak a word for God to their unbelieving husbands, with great humility and prayer for the Holy Spirit to give understanding and God’s call for salvation.

      Yes, God can definitely use a wife’s words in her husband’s life, and I’m sure He has countless times in most Christian wives’ marriages. I have a section in my book, Marriage God’s Way, about wives being their husband’s helper, and I discuss wives being one of the greatest resources God has given men, and this includes through a wife’s counsel, advice, thoughts, etc.

      So if that’s not the point, then what is?

      It’s two-fold:
      1. First, wives should recognize their behavior is a stronger witness than their words
      2. Second, wives shouldn’t nag their husbands as that won’t win them to Christ

      How do we know that “disobedient to the word” in 1 Peter 3:1 means unbelievers and not just believing husbands who are outside God’s fellowship in disobedience, since Peter wrote this letter to believers? Is there something in the original language that shows us that “disobedient to the word” means unbelievers?

      We know Peter was referring to unbelieving husbands because he used similar terminology for non-Christians elsewhere. For example, in 1 Peter 1:2 he described believers as “elect according to the foreknowledge of God the Father, in sanctification of the Spirit, for obedience.” Peter equated obedience with salvation, and rightly so. Believers should be obedient. In 1 Peter 2:8, he similarly described unbelievers as “being disobedient to the word.” Since he used obedience to refer to a believer and disobedience to refer to an unbeliever, Peter’s description of men who “do not obey the word” in 1 Peter 3:1 means he was referring to unbelieving husbands. This does not mean the man is a scoundrel. He may be kind, affectionate, and hold to a high moral standard; however, if he has not taken the first step of obedience—that is, the obedience of faith—then he is properly identified as disobedient.

      Thanks in advance if you can answer this.

      You’re welcome. Please let me know if there’s anything else!

  55. This is a subject that we just don’t discuss enough. All of your examples are great. I really cannot think of anything else I would add to this one.

  56. Sure, and thanks for receiving my feedback so well. I figured we’re on the same page with the distinction between ‘practicing’ and ‘struggling with’ sin. Great verses to consider, by the way.

    I’ve seen a lot of younger Christian guys panic when the struggle becomes intense, and start to question their salvation and God’s presence even though they’re fighting hard. They need to be encouraged.

    At the same time, guys who aren’t fighting need to be warned strongly in love.

    So, this is a distinction that’s really important on many levels: for us personally, for guys faced with sexual sin and temptation, their wives, and, church leaders who are trying to shepherd all of the above.

    Thanks again, brother!

    1. Hi Bryan,
      Hmmm, when you wrote this it really created some pity in me for these guys, and I don’t mean “pity” in the condescending way, I mean genuine sympathy:

      I’ve seen a lot of younger Christian guys panic when the struggle becomes intense, and start to question their salvation and God’s presence even though they’re fighting hard.

      I think we project ourselves on others, and because this isn’t a particularly difficult struggle for me, or you could say by God’s grace He’s given me victory in that area, I lack sympathy for those who are dealing with it in the way you describe. I’m sorry for the previous sentence in that I don’t want you (or others) to “think more of me than you ought” (Romans 12:3), but I didn’t know how else to explain why I’ve – regrettably – lacked compassion that I should feel. The sin (pornography) seems so evil to me that when I think of men engaging in it, at least married men, I have trouble not thinking of them being unsaved. But I know I have my own sins and struggles, and someone could easily look at my failings, the evil of them, and think the same.

      One other thing I’ll add. It seems, at least in some circles, that pornography is sort of an acceptable sin. It’s almost like people are resigned to thinking, “Well, men are men, so they’re just going to struggle with it. The percentage of men looking at porn is so high, it must just be something all guys are into.” That could contribute to a desensitizing to the seriousness of it, and I think I’ve seen that too.

      At any rate, I think you have a very healthy balance, and I’m glad these young men have you in their lives. I mean that. God bless you Brother!

  57. Hey Scott, I think I enjoyed this post more than any others you’ve done. (And I like them all.) It was clear, biblical and ended with a note of hope in Christ.

    With regard to #1 above, in my experience, nearly all of the young men I counsel are both Christians and struggling in some way with pornography. It’s a fine line. On the one hand, as you say, ‘no one who keeps on sinning has either seen him or known him’ (1 John 3:6). But on the other hand, even Paul could say ‘I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing.’ (Romans 7:19). So, while a pattern of unbroken sin can certainly indicate someone isn’t saved, I’m equally concerned to see that someone is fighting sin, even if they’re losing more than I’d like. The fighting shows the Spirit is at work (Galatians 5).

    Finally, with regard to your first discussion question, a wife can go to her church leadership if necessary. Hopefully, it won’t need to escalate to formal discipline, but this process can be the stimulus a husband needs to change.

    Thanks again for a fantastic post, Scott!

    1. Hi Bryan,
      Thanks so much for reading, commenting, and disagreeing with me :). I mean that! I appreciate your question/clarification, and I agree with you. Romans 7 is the safe haven, not for the unbeliever, but for the believer who is struggling against sin. And I think the key word is “struggling.” You said you’re counseling Christian young me who are “struggling.” You definitely see the “struggle” in Paul in those verses. 1 John, and other places, describe people who are not struggling against sin, and that serves as evidence of being unregenerate. With that said, I think that could’ve been clearer in my post.

      The word that contrasts struggling is “practicing. For example, in Galatians 5:21 Paul said:

      envy, murders, drunkenness, revelries, and the like; of which I tell you beforehand, just as I also told you in time past, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.

      Probably the clearest place is 1 John 3:4-10:

      4 Everyone who makes a practice of sinning also practices lawlessness; sin is lawlessness. 5 You know that he appeared in order to take away sins, and in him there is no sin. 6 No one who abides in him keeps on sinning; no one who keeps on sinning has either seen him or known him. 7 Little children, let no one deceive you. Whoever practices righteousness is righteous, as he is righteous. 8 Whoever makes a practice of sinning is of the devil, for the devil has been sinning from the beginning. The reason the Son of God appeared was to destroy the works of the devil. 9 No one born of God makes a practice of sinning, for God’s seed abides in him; and he cannot keep on sinning, because he has been born of God. 10 By this it is evident who are the children of God, and who are the children of the devil: whoever does not practice righteousness is not of God, nor is the one who does not love his brother.

      These verses describe individuals practicing sin versus struggling against it, and that’s evidence of being unregenerate. Again, that could’ve been clearer in the post. Good contribution about the church elders too.

  58. These are important topics… Wives need to know where the hang-ups are for their husbands in this area. I have a great mentor, a woman further down her walk with God, in marriage and motherhood… and she also makes sure to get to the mail first and removes any pieces of advertising that have women dressed less than modestly because that is a hang up for her husband. He doesn’t know she does it she doesn’t tell him… she just does it to keep snares from her husband’s path…little things like that are important.

    1. Hi Marissa,
      Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts. Your mentor sounds like a wise woman. I appreciate what she does for her husband. That’s a good piece of advice for wives, that I’m glad is included on the post now. She might tell him that she does it though, instead of keeping it from him; if he’s a godly man he’ll probably appreciate her efforts for him!

  59. We can hold our husbands accountable on some level, but I think it’s really important to pray for there to be other men in their lives that will hold our husbands accountable too. Over accountability with our husbands can turn into nagging if we aren’t careful. Having another man to hold him accountable is helpful on many levels.

    1. Hi Tara,
      Thanks for reading and commenting. I’m glad you also recognize the need for men to have accountability in their lives from besides just their wives, not because it agreed with the post, but because I’m glad to hear that from a wife! Also, yes, great point that it can turn into nagging!

  60. I came across this article after a huge heated argument with my husband a couple hours ago. I prayed the prayer of salvation back in 2008 and tried with all my might to be a Christian. Go to church read my bible, serve go to lifegroups. I kinda forced my husband into coming to church with me. We come from non spiritual households so most of this was all brand new to us. Long story short. We both became Christians and attended church and received pastoral counseling. We have been married for 15 years. My husband is active duty army who came back from a deployment about 3 months ago. Over the last year I met a women who has come alongside me to guide me in strengthening my relationship with Christ and teaching me things about the true cost of following Christ, her and her husband have served along time with the navigators and committing their lives to disciple others. So she offered me the same invitation which I took and it completely changed my life and my view of God and my view of being a Christian. Even changed the way I read the Bible and search out God through my quiet times.

    My husband claims to be a Christian, every morning he reads a short devotional he gets sent, he has knowledge that he is to be the leader of our family ( through pastor counseling) while he was deployed he did bible study books that we sent him. He is an amazing provider and he is steady. We are going on 3 years no alcohol. Our marriage has really changed so positively in a lot of ways. We have 2 girls, 5 and 7. So yesterday I went on lost with my mentor and got to do some cold turkey evangelism and got the opportunity to share the bridge. I was so excited to get out there and get passed the fear and anxiety of approaching strangers so that I could more open to let God use me even more for Him. My husband avoided any kind of spiritual talk. I talked about how awesome it was and the details and how refreshed I felt and how me speaking so loudly got an older couple to turn around and ask questions. And I could tell he was doing the uh huh, that’s nice, and the more I talked (because I was trying to get more out of him) he was like that’s great I’m happy for you. The night before he blew of going to bible study with me knowing how much it means for him to just come with the girls and I.. he expressed that he feels they expect too much from us by completing a chapter a week. ( doing 2-3 questions a day you can complete a chapter) they are short read this scripture what attitude or write in your own words… stuff like that. I was very hurt cause it once again seemed as though he knew how much it meant but blew it off for selfish reasons.. I even said, no one is gonna fault you for not doing your study. They will encourage you and challenge you but in the end, we all know it’s your decision and it’s hurting yourself not anyone else. So of course I went nutty and started telling him that there is a cost to being a Christian and if he would read with me or take some of my help about reading he would know there is an expectation. I quoted Joshua 1:8 cause he said he reads a little. To make matters worse I basically accused him or told him that I don’t believe he is a Christian and he pretends to be because there is no fruit, you are getting angry about not wanting to do a study, you don’t want to meet with someone to help you like I’m being helped… when I ask what you got out of a sermon or quiet time you just say “nothing”. So basically I did everything I shouldn’t, even down to when he finally responded (because he shuts down and I get angrier to where I keep on b/c I feel, hey you hurt me and frustrate me by your actions so I’m not gonna be quiet and give you what you want.. to get out of the conversation, cause apparently being submissive and not pushing about study just makes you chose to not go when you know I want you to and you told me you would) with I feel like you are not suppose to judge me.. I said I absolutely can judge you because you claim to be a Christian and you are in sin by not studying the Bible and teaching your kids about Jesus. And I gave a scripture vs to go along with it. It was crazy.. I was so angry that I kept saying I don’t believe you are a Christian and I want to know if you are, you either made a choice for Christ or you didn’t, and if you did, you are suppose to be actively trying to grow that relationship and lead us and learn his will for you. He said he is, but then when I asked how do you become a Christian? What are you suppose to believe? He said in jesus, I asked what about Jesus and he say well you know you tell me, I said I want to know what you think. He said in his ways.. so now I’m pretty sure he has never made the decision and if he is reading the Bible everyday, why is it not transforming him. I think he is not a Christian. He ended up sending me a message apologizing and admitting to getting defensive cause he knows he is failing and I’m just trying to help him and encourage his relationship with God, says I should expect that. I also apologized and asked forgiveness because I know without a doubt coming at him the way I did was wrong, is not biblical, is not the way a wife is to speak to her husband. I told him that I think I get frustrated because he says one thing and then doesn’t show that he is trying. Where I can at least say yeah this is wrong I shouldn’t do it and I actually try and seek God and others for help. So I think, lol, my question is, is it absolutely wrong to point out a sin in my husband that says he is a Christian? I know doing it the way I did was wrong, but I also believe it’s wrong to model to our children that we all love Jesus and so certain things out of that love, and he doesn’t have to. Any advice would be greatly appreciated… sorry for the novel, I thought it would be best for some background. This same stuff has about our relationship with Christ has been going on for just over 10 years. He was even annoyed with me when he came back from deployment and we went to lifegroup at our pastors house which was usually a potluck and fellowship and the pastor would speak about the previous sermon and ask specific thought questions on it, and we were doing a study on the book of mark. It’s like he just refuses to have anything to do with the Bible our side of his 2 min devotional thing.. he told me this morning that he read the gospels and is in acts now. If so, why in the world does he not see what I see? Thank you and I enjoyed the article and it has challenged me in a good way and reminded me of what Christ expects of me. I just can’t get over thinking that if I don’t point out his wrong living, he will continue? And I love him too much and I desire Christ to be the center of our marriage so bad.. to just not have that

    1. Hello Renee,
      I’m sorry to hear about the problems you and your husband are having, but I am blessed by your pursuits of the spiritual disciplines, including church attendance, Bible study, small groups, etc, and that a godly older woman has come into your life to mentor you.

      I appreciate that you shared some positive things about your husband, even though you’re hurt by some other things. It’s especially important to keep the good things about him in mind, especially when your flesh wants to tempt you to think only of the bad.

      If I’m understanding you correctly, it sounds like you could tell your husband wasn’t interested, but you kept talking so that, as you say, you could “get more out of him.” It might have been better to stop before he became annoyed. Perhaps he knew you could tell he wasn’t interested, and felt disrespected that you kept going. While I wish your husband was interested in the spiritual things you were sharing, you can’t make him interested. And trying to make him interested causes problems (as you saw).

      I can tell you and your husband have different expectations. For you, the questions are not too much, but he says they are. Whether they are or not, I don’t think you want him doing the questions against his will. I appreciate your candidness in sharing you “went nutty,” when you lectured him. I can imagine this going poorly. He probably felt like a child. I don’t know if your husband is unwilling to put forth as much effort as he should – maybe that is the case – but I can say, again, forcing him will cause problems. First Peter 3:1 says, “Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives.” You have to try to win over your husband “without a word.” Lecturing him – even if you’re right – will probably cause him to dig in his heels. Let him see your submission and respect, as that will convict him to be a godlier man. If your husband is not a Christian as you shared with him, getting angry with him won’t get him saved.

      I’m glad you both apologized and asked for forgiveness from each other. Your and your husband’s humility is a good sign.

      You said, “I just can’t get over thinking that if I don’t point out his wrong living, he will continue? And I love him too much and I desire Christ to be the center of our marriage so bad.. to just not have that.” First, Jesus said the Holy Spirit will come and convict the world of sin (John 16:8). Do you believe that? If so, then let the Holy Spirit do His work on your husband, and you try to do yours. Second, I can tell you want Christ at the center of your marriage. Your husband knows that too. He needs to see that through your actions versus your words. Keep praying for him. The truth is that as I read what you said about your husband, there are some wonderful things about him that many women wish were true of their husbands: he goes to church, Bible studies, reads the Bible, etc. Rejoice over that and pray for further growth.

  61. My wife says she is a Christian reads her bible every day and goes to life groups every friday and church on Sunday. I her husband am not a Christian there for I walk on egg shells around her I bought a new car with out her and she need to new tire for her vehicle I realize now that was wrong of me to do that she say that I’m selfish and she want to leave me

    1. Hi Joseph,
      I’m glad to hear that your wife is a Christian, but I’m sad to hear that you’re not. What’s holding you back if you don’t mind me asking?

      If your wife truly is a Christian, she shouldn’t leave you. 1 Corinthians 7:13-14a says, “If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife.” Your wife should desire to see you become a Christian, and she’s the greatest influence in your life.

      I appreciate your humility in recognizing you shouldn’t have purchased this new car. Have you apologized to her for your mistake?

  62. Thank you for posting this article and for the reminder that it is the Holy Spirit that does the convicting. I have been mulling over 1 Peter 3:1 quite a bit for the past few weeks. I have a similar situation as to “Many Years” and my husband also is a very good provider. What I find frustrating is that I settle it in my mind to be silent and not use my words when provoked, but then still find myself speaking defensively and out of agitation before I can think better of it. My question is how do I keep silent during those trying times, without acting as though I am ignoring him? Is it considered disrespectful to not answer if he asks me a loaded question and I sense that an argument is inevitable? Should a wife defend herself when wrongfully accused and try to explain her intentions that were misunderstood? Early on in our marriage I was determined to be a submissive wife, but became a doormat and struggled with bitterness. I guess the key would be to do everything as unto the Lord so as not to become bitter. What about when children are being wrongfully accused or spoken to harshly? Should a wife speak to her husband about it in private or keep silent altogether? I love my husband so much and want him to be admired in all ways by our children. Because we are considered ‘one flesh’, I think that is why it is such a struggle. When he says something harsh, it is as though I am saying it…
    Thank you again.

    1. Hello Josie,
      You’re describing a situation that all of us – men and women – are guilty of. We’re convicted about letting our flesh flare up. We commit to responding humbly and in the spirit. Then we find ourselves in another tense situation and we’re disappointed in the way we respond…again.

      You asked:

      How do I keep silent during those trying times, without acting as though I am ignoring him?

      I’ll share something with you that I hope can encourage you. I can look back on some situations when I was mistreating Katie. Definitely not loving her as Christ loved the church. Sometimes she has responded equally sinfully toward me, being disrespectful or rude. While I felt convicted about my sin toward Katie, I didn’t feel that bad about mistreating her…because she mistreated too. The times I look back and feel completely terrible regarding my treatment of Katie are those times I mistreated her and she responded respectfully and kindly to me. Those memories still beat me up.

      Is it considered disrespectful to not answer if he asks me a loaded question and I sense that an argument is inevitable?

      It depends on your husband. If he finds it disrespectful, then it’s disrespectful. I can understand what you’re asking, because I’m guilty of the same with Katie. Instead of remaining silent, I would recommend saying, “I don’t know how to answer you. I’m afraid no matter what I say it will be wrong and lead to a fight.”

      Should a wife defend herself when wrongfully accused and try to explain her intentions that were misunderstood?

      Definitely…but don’t repeat yourself. What I mean is, defend yourself (in a respectful way). He might have misunderstood something. Perhaps your explanation will clarify things to your husband and alleviate some of his frustrations. But if he’s intent on arguing, further explanations won’t help. They will worse then situation.

      What about when children are being wrongfully accused or spoken to harshly?

      Interestingly, the approach children should take is not much – if any different – than the approach a wife should take. There are similarities because wives are commanded to respect their husbands, and children should respect their fathers.

      Should a wife speak to her husband about it in private or keep silent altogether?

      Definitely speak to him in private. I am so thankful for the times Katie has told me, “You were exasperating the children” or “You don’t know how you were coming across” or “You were being too intense.” She was right, but I might not have seen it. Then I can go to my children and ask for their forgiveness.

      I am sorry about the way you’ve been treated and that you became a doormat. I will pray for endurance for you, and conviction for your husband. Yes, remember you’re not ultimately submitting to your husband. You’re ultimately submitting to Christ.

  63. Oh and please, do some deep research on Abigail and Nabal, as Abigail also used wisdom in dealing with her own ungodly husband. Her story has given me courage and strength to do that which is right in the sight of the Lord, over that which is evil in a marriage. There are many online blogs and sites, which talk about the story of King David, Abigail, and Nabal. Abigail is a good example of what a submissive wife should be. She is the ‘good’ wife, and one who feared the Lord.

    1. I have preached on Abigail, so the studying for that sermon (actually I think it was two sermons), constituted a considerable amount of deep research. Abigail’s actions are interesting, in that they can be interpreted two ways: she did some things behind her husband’s back – including even slandering him – but she was trying to save his life. You could say, “She did save his life,” but considering God killed Nabal, it seems she only delayed his death. In that sense it appears God meant for him to die from the beginning. Abigail only delayed the inevitable. Is it okay to “do evil” to produce good? Should Abigail have disrespected her husband and acted deceitfully, even if it was in his best interests? It’s hard to tell.

      I do have a post on Abigal serving as a dramatic type of Christ if you’re interested in reading it. I don’t discuss whether her actions toward her husband were good or bad.

  64. Thank you for this discussion about how a wife may possibly win her husband to the Lord. This is a deep subject. When a couple gets married, and they have belonged to the same religious fellowship, it is often the case that it is ‘assumed’ that both spouses are saved. A person can, talk the talk, and walk the walk, in a religious way, yet, years down the road, the ‘appearance’ of a godly life begins to ‘tell’ on itself. I am not perfect, as a wife, yet through the years, I have submitted to my husband, who has been a very harsh person to live with, yet, he also has been a good provider for the family. Yet, over the years, I found that he did not display the Holy Spirit’s response he should have, if he was a godly, Christian man. Therefore, in the past two years, I have had to ask the Lord to help me to discern whether my husband is truly a Christian or not.

    Two very good friends, helped me to realize that I needed to ask my husband what John 3:16 meant to him. My husband’s response was not what a truly born-again believer would have responded. Instead he looked at me with a kind of blank stare and then said “What do you mean?” Then he said “You can express it better than I can”. That was the end of the conversation. I later sent my husband an email, and thanked him for saying that I could express it ‘better than he could’ yet I told him that I could not express it to GOD, FOR HIM, that HE HAD TO DO THAT FOR HIMSELF. In other words, he was unable to tell me what the most simple verse of salvation in the Bible meant. There was no ‘believer’s response’, in his comment to me such as “It means that we as an unregenerate man or woman MUST accept Christ into our hearts in order to be saved”. There was no spiritual response because that is what the unbelieving spouse does not possess in their heart.

    And because of this fact, Peter said that the unbelieving spouse ‘… may be won WITHOUT THE WORD because, even if they HEAR the WORD, they will not be able to understand nor comprehend SPIRITUALLY, what you are saying to them. ‘He that is of GOD HEARS GOD’S WORD”. So, the evidence that a spouse is not saved, is the fact that they cannot possibly hear God’s word if they are NOT a believer. So, a wife can preach all she wants to to the unbelieving heart of her husband, but it won’t do any good, as he won’t be able to understand it. That is why, the Holy Spirit is the only one who can reach the unbelieving heart. As Christian’s we can ‘sow’ or ‘plant’ or ‘water’ but it is up to the individual person to accept the convicting of the Holy Spirit. So, Peter was telling the truth.

    And I have found my ‘voice’ through the Holy Spirit, and I do defend myself when my husband is harsh with me, but I do not ‘use the Word’ to defend myself, but I use wisdom of speech, and TRUTH, when I am being unfairly treated. And my husband does,listen to me, in that regard. And he will apologize when his authority, as you said, goes against God’s own authority which is over me in the Lord, first and foremost. .I am also continuing to pray for my husband’s salvation.

    1. Hello Many Years,
      Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts! Yes, you’re describing something that’s common. People claim to be Christians, but down the road it becomes clear they aren’t. First John 2:19 comes to mind:

      “They went out from us, but they were not of us; for if they had been of us, they would have continued with us; but they went out that they might be made manifest, that none of them were of us.”

      I appreciate your humility in acknowledging your faults, as well as recognizing the good in your husband—he provides for your family.
      Hmm, yes, your husband’s response is concerning. John 3:16 almost explains itself. Your husband – if he was a believer – shouldn’t have trouble explaining it. Is it possible though that he simply made a statement? You can explain it better than him.
      Yes, you’re right that until your husband becomes a believer, he will not understand God’s Word. The only preaching he needs to receive is the Gospel.
      I think Peter’s main point is your actions, versus your words, will win over a husband. Here’s what he says in 1 Peter 3:1-2:

      Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives, when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear.

      It’s not just that a husband can’t understand a wife preaching to him. It’s more that a wife’s conduct and godly life will preach even louder to him.

Do you have a question or thought? If so, please let me know. I do my best to respond to each comment.

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