You Covet and Cannot Obtain So You Fight and Quarrel (James 4:2) | How Covetousness Causes Conflicts

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What do we think typically ruins relationships? Gossip? Anger? Lies? Unfortunately, we don’t often think of covetousness. But we should! God blames covetousness for our conflicts: “You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel” (James 4:2). We take it out on others when we don’t get what we want. “Desire and do not have” is synonymous with “covet and cannot obtain,” and “murder” is synonymous with “quarrels and…fights.” God repeats Himself to drive the point home: covetousness causes conflicts. Read this material from Being Content God’s Way, or watch the accompanying sermon, to learn how covetousness causes conflicts.

We had neighbors with four daughters. When we had our first child, Rhea, the two youngest daughters liked coming to see her. Katie became very close to them and watched them each morning, walked them to school, and then they returned to our house in the afternoon.

Over time, it became apparent that one of their older sisters, whom we will call Jennifer, disliked Katie. She was rude to Katie, and when she came to our house to get her younger sisters, she would pound on the door. Katie put a note next to the door asking people to knock quietly and not ring the doorbell because the baby could be sleeping. Although the note was not addressed to anyone, it was intended for Jennifer. The day Katie put up the note, Jennifer came over to get her two younger sisters, pounded on the door even louder than usual, and repeatedly rang the doorbell.

Instead of criticizing Jennifer for her behavior, Katie kindly asked her why she seemed to hate Katie so much. Jennifer broke down and shared that she coveted her little sisters’ relationships with Katie.

We “Fight and Quarrel” Because We “Covet and Cannot Obtain”

What do we think typically ruins relationships? Gossip? Anger? Lies? Unfortunately, we don’t often think of covetousness, but we should. Covetousness ruined Jennifer’s relationship with Katie, and God blames covetousness for our conflicts:

What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel (James 4:1-2).

We take it out on others when we don’t get what we want. In Jennifer’s case, she wasn’t getting the affection and attention she wanted from Katie, and she took it out on her. “Desire and do not have” is synonymous with “covet and cannot obtain,” and “murder” is synonymous with “quarrels and…fights.” God repeats Himself to drive the point home: covetousness causes conflicts. The same point is made elsewhere: “The greedy (or covetous) stir up conflict (Proverbs 28:25 NIV), and “the love of money (or covetousness) is a root of all kinds of evils” (1 Tiomthy 6:10).

We will examine three biblical accounts that demonstrate this so we can learn from them. We will look at the accounts back-to-back and then discuss their application.

A Covetous Older Brother

The prodigal son repented, returned home, and their “father said to his servants, ‘Bring quickly the best robe, and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet. And bring the fattened calf and kill it, and let us eat and celebrate” (Luke 15:22-23). When the older brother learned what happened:

He was angry and refused to go in [to the celebration for his brother]. His father came out and entreated him, but he answered his father, ‘Look, these many years I have served you, and I never disobeyed your command, yet you never gave me a young goat, that I might celebrate with my friends. But when this son of yours came, who has devoured your property with prostitutes, you killed the fattened calf for him!’ (Luke 15:28-30).

When God was upset with Israel for building the golden calf, He told Moses they were “Your people” (Exodus 32:7). When parents are upset with their children, they tell their spouse, “Your child did this.” The same thing happened here: “This son of yours” versus “my brother.” The older brother is furious about the fattened calf and the celebration. Wait until he learns about the robe, ring, and shoes!

Covetous Vineyard Workers

The second example of covetousness causing conflict is in the parable of the vineyard workers:

“For the kingdom of heaven is like a master of a house who went out early in the morning to hire laborers for his vineyard. After agreeing with the laborers for a denarius a day, he sent them into his vineyard. And going out about the third hour he saw others standing idle in the marketplace, and to them he said, ‘You go into the vineyard too, and whatever is right I will give you’” (Matthew 20:1-4).

The word “agreeing” is important. The workers hired “early in the morning,” about 6 AM, knew what they would be paid and agreed to that amount. The workers hired three hours later, about 9 AM, did not know what they would be paid. They were told it would be “whatever is right.” The master continued hiring workers at the sixth hour, about 1 PM, the ninth hour, about 3 PM, and the eleventh hour, about 5 PM (Matthew 20:5-7). When the master paid the workers, they each received a denarius. This didn’t sit well with the men who worked the longest, so they told the master:

“These last worked only one hour, and you have made them equal to us who have borne the burden of the day and the scorching heat.” But he replied to one of them, “Friend, I am doing you no wrong. Did you not agree with me for a denarius? Take what belongs to you and go. I choose to give to this last worker as I give to you. Am I not allowed to do what I choose with what belongs to me? Or do you begrudge my generosity?” (Matthew 20:12-15).

The master was fair because he paid them what they agreed on. Because it was fair to pay one denarius for one day’s work, it was unfair to pay one denarius for less than one day’s work. The word “generosity” is synonymous with grace. Because grace is unearned or undeserved favor, the master was unfair but gracious. He couldn’t be fair and gracious because they are mutually exclusive. Being fair means being ungracious, and being gracious means being unfair.

The master asked, “Am I not allowed to do what I choose with what belongs to me?” Because everything belongs to God¹ and He can do what He “[chooses] with what belongs to [Him],” He is “allowed” to be more gracious to some than others. But if we’re honest, we probably understand why the older brother and the vineyard workers were upset. We don’t like the prodigal son being given so much after living wickedly, and we don’t like the vineyard workers being paid as much as those who worked more. Because grace is unfair, there are four things we must be on guard against when God is gracious to others.

A Covetous King

The third example of covetousness causing conflict occurred between Saul and David. But consider how well their relationship began:

David came to Saul and entered his service. And Saul loved him greatly, and he became his armor-bearer. And Saul sent to Jesse, saying, “Let David remain in my service, for he has found favor in my sight.” And whenever the harmful spirit from God was upon Saul, David took the lyre and played it with his hand. So Saul was refreshed and was well, and the harmful spirit departed from him (1 Samuel 16:21-23).

Saul didn’t just love David; he “loved him greatly,” made him his armor bearer (one of the most respected positions in the Old Testament), and favored him so much he wanted to keep him with him. We can only imagine how much Saul’s affection for David grew when the spirit tormented Saul, and David’s music left him “refreshed.” But this excellent relationship wouldn’t last long:

When David returned from striking down the Philistine, the women came out of all the cities of Israel, singing and dancing, to meet King Saul, with tambourines, with songs of joy, and with musical instruments. And the women sang to one another as they celebrated, “Saul has struck down his thousands, and David his ten thousands” (1 Samuel 18:6-7).

God chooses some to slay thousands and some to slay ten thousands. There will always be people with more gifts, wealth, and success. Using the symbolism in the parable of the talents, “to one he gave five talents, to another two, to another one” (Matthew 25:15). We must avoid coveting those who have “killed more than us.” Saul shows that failing to do so can ruin our lives:

Saul was very angry, and this saying displeased him. He said, “They have ascribed to David ten thousands, and to me they have ascribed thousands, and what more can he have but the kingdom?” And Saul eyed David from that day on (1 Samuel 18:8-9).

The Hebrew word for “eyed” is ʿāvan, meaning “to watch with jealousy.” Two factors caused Saul’s downfall. First, he failed to take responsibility for his actions, choosing instead to make excuses and blame others.² The second cause of his downfall was his covetousness. He was obsessed with David’s fame and popularity.³ Now, let’s learn from each of these accounts!

First, We Shouldn’t Let God’s Grace Cause Us to Covet

The master asked, “Do you begrudge my generosity (or grace)?” Other translations, such as the KJV, read, “Is thine eye evil?” The “evil eye” was a phrase Jews used to indicate an envious or jealous disposition, which is why some other translations read: “Are you envious?” (NIV, NASB, and Amplified) or “Are you jealous?” (HCSB, CEV, and GNT).

We are tempted to covet when people get what they don’t deserve. We can be like the older brother and say, “Why do they get all that, but I don’t?” Or we might be like the vineyard workers and say, “Why do I have to work so hard, but they don’t?”

If you have children, you know one of the most common statements you hear is, “It’s not fair”:

• “Why do they get to have that, but I don’t? It’s not fair.”
• “Why do their parents let them stay up so late, but I don’t get to? It’s not fair.”
• “Why do I have so many chores, but they don’t? It’s not fair.”

Children think like this, and we can, too, as adults. But when we do, we are acting more like children. We should honestly ask ourselves if we covet and cannot obtain what others have when God has been gracious to them.

Second, We Shouldn’t Let God’s Grace Cause Us to Be Discontent

Two neighbors hired my brother, Jason, and me one summer to care for their animals. I cared for one neighbor’s animals for two weeks and had little to do. Jason cared for the other neighbor’s animals for one month and had lots to do. When the neighbors returned, I received more even though I worked less, and Jason received less even though he worked more. Jason received what they agreed to pay him, which he thought was acceptable until he learned what I was paid. Then, he was angry and discontent with his pay.

The vineyard workers hired first found themselves in a similar situation. They received what they agreed to be paid (a denarius), so they weren’t discontent because of what they were paid. They were discontent because of what others were paid. If the others received less, they would have been content.

After the older brother complained, the father said, “Son, you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours” (Luke 15:31). The son had as much as the father. He wasn’t discontent because he didn’t have enough. He was discontent because of what his brother had.

Saul was praised for killing thousands. That’s a lot! He wasn’t discontent because they sang that he only killed thousands. He was discontent because they sang that David killed tens of thousands. Saul wasn’t discontent because of what they sang about him. He was discontent because of what they sang about David!

We must also be careful to resist being discontent, not because we don’t have enough, but because of what others have. Are we content with our house, car, vacation, spouse, or children, but then we see someone’s better house, car, vacation, spouse, or children and suddenly, we’re discontent? We should ask ourselves, “Am I discontent because I am focused on others?”

Third, We Shouldn’t Let God’s Grace Cause Us to Be Bitter Toward God

God is sovereign, which means He controls what happens in everyone’s life; therefore, it is tempting to be bitter toward Him when we think He is not giving us what we think we deserve or giving others what we think they don’t deserve. Instead of seeing God as gracious, we see Him as unfair and unjust: “Why doesn’t God give me what he gives them? He must love them more or think they’re better than me.”

The prodigal son’s father and the vineyard master both represent God. The older brother’s bitterness toward his father and the vineyard worker’s bitterness toward the master picture how we might be bitter toward God. We should consider whether we are like the older brother and proudly say, “I never disobeyed your commands, but I don’t even get a measly goat to celebrate with my friends.” Or maybe we’re more like the vineyard workers and complain about how much easier others have it than us: “Why do I have to work so hard, but they don’t? Why do I have all these trials, but their life is carefree?”

Fourth, We Shouldn’t Let God’s Grace Cause Us to Be Bitter Toward Others

Picture this scenario: Bob has been working at his job for years. He knows other employees do things mediocrely, but he does things well. Other employees criticize the management, but he avoids those conversations. Other employees arrive late or leave early, but he arrives early and stays late. Other employees move on to other companies, but he stays because he’s faithful.

Then, Bob’s boss retires, so there is an opening above him. He’s convinced his years of hard work and faithfulness will finally pay off. But then, the unthinkable happens: the position is given to Bob’s coworker and close friend, Brian.

Bob and Brian worked in the same department and often had lunch together. But when Brian got the promotion, Bob started coveting Brian’s position. Soon, Brian was picking apart everything Bob did: “Why did Bob do it that way? I could have done that better than him. Bob doesn’t work as hard as me. I put in more hours and stay later.” Whenever Brian asks Bob if he wants to have lunch together, Brian finds reasons to decline. When we covet and cannot obtain what others have, we might become bitter toward them. We saw this with Saul, who was so bitter toward David that he tried to murder him.

We might also become bitter toward someone when we covet and cannot obtain. This happened with two examples: the older brother became bitter toward his father for not giving him what he gave his younger brother, and the vineyard workers became bitter toward the master, who didn’t pay them for working longer. Similarly, our covetousness can make us bitter:

• Wendy is covetous of Mike’s wife, Jennifer, so she becomes bitter toward her husband, Brian: “Why doesn’t Brian get me those things Jennifer has? How come Brian doesn’t treat me like Mike treats Jennifer?”
• Mike is covetous of Heather’s husband, James, so he becomes bitter toward his wife, Michelle: “Why doesn’t Michelle respect me like Heather respects James? I bet Heather never talks to James like Michelle does to me.”
• Parents who covet the children of another family become bitter toward their children: “Why don’t our children do their chores like their children do? Unlike our children, I bet their children are thankful for all they have.”
• Children covetous of other children become bitter toward their parents: “Why don’t my parents get me as much as those other kids have? Why do they get to go to all those fun places, but I don’t?”

We should ask ourselves if we are bitter toward anyone because we covet and cannot obtain what they have.

Two Final Points About Covetousness

Let’s conclude by revisiting the verses we began with:

What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel (James 4:1-2).

These verses make two points about covetousness that we would be wise to learn.

First, Covetousness Is Fruitless

Covetousness causes conflicts, as we saw from the examples, but James says that no matter how upset we get—there are “quarrels…fights…murder”—we still don’t get what we want—we “do not have…and cannot obtain.” Covetousness is fruitless! Imagine:

• A man covets another man’s wife but doesn’t end up with a better wife.
•  A woman covets another woman’s house but doesn’t end up with a better house.
• Parents covet another family’s children but don’t end up with better children.
• Children covet what other children have but don’t end up with better toys or trips.

In these situations, not only do the people not end up with a better spouse, home, children, or possessions, but their spouse, home, children, or possessions look worse because they are focused on someone else’s spouse, home, children, and possessions.

Second, Covetousness Is a Spiritual Versus Physical Problem

James focuses on the spiritual behind the physical: “Passions at war within you…desire…covet and cannot obtain” are spiritual and cause the physical: “quarrels…fights…murder.” Conflicts are only the symptoms. The problems arise from within our hearts when we covet and cannot obtain. As Jesus said: “Out of the heart of man, come…coveting” (Mark 7:21-22). When we experience conflict, we should look past the physical to the spiritual and focus on the heart rather than the quarrel.

When we covet and cannot obtain it, conflicts that involve people horizontally are caused, revealing vertical weaknesses in our relationship with Christ. This is why the solution when we covet and cannot obtain is focusing on our riches in Christ: “You know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that though he was rich, yet for your sake he became poor, so that you by his poverty might become rich” (2 Corinthians 8:9). This is spiritual, not financial, and beautifully captures double imputation: our unrighteousness (spiritual poverty) is imputed to Christ, and His righteousness (spiritual riches) is imputed to us. Instead of “getting more stuff,” the gospel remedy is to meditate on our riches in Christ. How can we covet anything when thinking about our spiritual blessings? We can’t help but experience contentment and thankfulness instead.

1. Deuteronomy 10:14 says, “Indeed heaven and the highest heavens belong to the Lord your God, also the earth with all that is in it.” God said, “Every beast of the forest is mine, the cattle on a thousand hills. I know all the birds of the hills, and all that moves in the field is mine” (Psalm 50:10-11). Psalm 89:11 says, “The heavens are Yours; the earth also is Yours; the world and all its fullness, You have founded them.” First Corinthians 10:26 quotes Psalm 24:1: “The earth is the Lord’s, and all its fullness.” ↩︎
2. When Samuel confronted Saul for offering the sacrifice that Sammy was supposed to offer, Saul said:
   “When I saw that the people were scattering from me, and that you did not come within the days appointed, and that the Philistines had mustered at Michmash, I said, ‘Now the Philistines will come down against me at Gilgal, and I have not sought the favor of the Lord.’ So I forced myself, and offered the burnt offering” (1 Samuel 8:11-12).
   Saul managed to blame the Israelites, Samuel, and the Philistines. When Samuel confronted Saul for failing to destroy all the Amalekites and their possessions, Saul said, “[The Israelites] have brought [the animals] from the Amalekites, for the people spared the best of the sheep and of the oxen to sacrifice to the Lord your God, and the rest we have devoted to destruction” (1 Samuel 15:15). This time Saul blamed the people. ↩︎
3. It is reminiscent of Cain, who was jealous that God approved of Abel but not him: “The Lord had regard for Abel and his offering, but for Cain and his offering he had no regard. So Cain was very angry…When they were in the field, Cain rose up against his brother Abel and killed him” (Genesis 4:4-5, 8). Cain’s anger was likely fueled by covetousness. ↩︎