Train Up a Child in the Way He Should Go and Go That Way Too (Proverbs 22:6)

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Proverbs 22:6 says, “Train up a child in the way he should go,” but as parents, we must ensure we go that way too. As Christian parents, we want our children to see the Gospel in us through our lives and parenting, which means we must strive to live it out before our kids.

David’s Sins in His Sons

David suffered a lot in his lifetime: the rebellion of his sons, the many sons who were murdered, and the betrayal he experienced from friends. But I wonder if anything was worse for him than seeing his sins in his children.

Amnon’s Evil without David’s Discipline

David had a son named Amnon, who lusted after his half-sister Tamar. She resisted him, but he overtook her and had his way with her. Here’s how David responded when he heard the news:

2 Samuel 13:21 But when King David heard of all these things, he was very angry.

David got very angry, but that’s it. He didn’t do anything. Consider this happened to his daughter, but there’s no record of him punishing Amnon. According to God’s Law, David actually should’ve executed him.

Tamar felt violated and alone. You would expect her to go to her father, David, for help and consolation, but instead, she went to live with her brother, Absalom. I suspect she knew David wouldn’t do anything.

Absalom’s Evil without David’s Discipline

While Tamar was with Absalom, you can guess how furious he became with Amnon because of what Amnon had done to his sister. I’m not making any excuses for Absalom, but because David didn’t punish Amnon, Absalom decided to take matters into his own hands. He got Amnon drunk and had him murdered. David learned what had happened, so Absalom ran away:

2 Samuel 13:38 So Absalom fled and went to Geshur, and was there three years. 39 And King David longed to go to Absalom. For he had been comforted concerning Amnon, because he was dead.

After three years, the pain of Amnon’s murder subsided, and David wanted to be reconciled with his son, Absalom. There’s only one problem: guess what David doesn’t want to do? Punish him! David’s indulgent attitude toward Amnon is now being repeated with Absalom. David and Absalom are finally reunited:

2 Samuel 14:33 So Joab went to the king (this is David) and told him. And when he (this is David) had called for Absalom, he came to the king and bowed himself on his face to the ground before the king. Then the king kissed Absalom.

This signified David’s reconciliation with his son, but there was no punishment. This failure caused terrible problems. Absalom is back in David’s good graces. He wanted this precisely because he had a plan he couldn’t fulfill while exiled from the land. So next, he steals the people’s hearts and turns the nation against his father. David has to escape the land, and Absalom takes David’s wives for himself. Then, in one of the lowest moments of David’s life, his men had to battle against his son.

Don’t View Your Children Too Sentimentally

This would’ve been unimaginably difficult, but by this point, David knows the consequences of not punishing Absalom. So he will command his men to execute him after everything he’s done, so no more harm comes to the nation. Right? Nope. When David’s men were about to battle against Absalom:

2 Samuel 18:5 Now the king had commanded Joab, Abishai, and Ittai, saying, “Deal gently for my sake with the young man Absalom.” And all the people heard when the king gave all the captains orders concerning Absalom.

I read this and think, “Are you kidding me?” Consider for a moment everything Absalom has done: he’s a murderer and a rapist who stole the throne from his father, and now he’s trying to kill him. He divided the nation, and David says, “Go easy on him. He’s just a kid!” Viewing our children too sentimentally can be dangerous, and David is probably the best example in Scripture.

Adonijah’s Evil without David’s Discipline

David’s son, Adonijah, decided he would be king even though David – and, more importantly, God – had not chosen him to be king. The obvious question is, “How could this young man become so arrogant and selfish?” Here’s the answer:

1 Kings 1:6 [David] had [never] rebuked him at any time by saying, “Why have you done so?”

You can tell Adonijah must’ve been a complete brat growing up, but not only had David never disciplined him, it says David never even asked him why he was doing what he was doing. This is why he ended up the way he did! His life came to an end when he manipulatively went to Solomon’s mother, Bathsheba, to ask if one of David’s concubines could be given to him as a wife. Solomon knew he was trying to steal the throne, so he had him killed.

Train Up a Child in the Way He Should Go to Avoid Seeing Your Sins in Your Children

A man saw a woman who didn’t belong to him. He took that woman anyway. Who am I talking about?

• I could be talking about David with Bathsheba.
• I could be talking about Amnon with Tamar.
• I could be talking about Absalom with David’s wives.
• Adonijah didn’t succeed but tried to do this with David’s concubine, Abishag.

A man gave another man an invitation. Then he got the man drunk. After that, he had someone murder him. Who am I talking about?

• I could be talking about David with Uriah.
• I could be talking about Absalom with Amnon.

Consider:

• David said, “I don’t care if that woman is married. If I want her, I’ll take her.”
• Amnon said, “I don’t care if that woman is my half-sister; if I want her, I’ll take her.”
• Absalom said, “I don’t care if those are my father’s wives; if I want them, I’ll take them.”
• Adonijah said, “I don’t care if Abishag is my father’s concubine; if I want her, I’ll take her.”
• David looked very cunning, plotting his sexual sin with Bathsheba.
• Amnon looked very cunning, plotting his sexual sin with Tamar.
• David looked very cunning, plotting Uriah’s murder.
• Absalom looked very cunning, plotting Amnon’s murder.

David found his sins coming back to haunt him. His sons looked just like him. It’s one thing when our children sin, but it’s another when we feel like they learned it from us.

A man never sees the worst of himself until it reappears in his child.

Frederick Brotherton Meyer, David: Shepherd, Psalmist, King, page 123.

There are lots of great reasons to pursue holiness as parents. One of the greatest is so we don’t have to see our sins passed to our children.

Why Didn’t David Punish His Sons?

David and Moses are arguably the most outstanding leaders in the Old Testament. No other men are like them in terms of sheer leadership. So the obvious question is, how could David, such a strong leader, be such a poor parent? How could a man who led other men in battle and ruled a kingdom so exceptionally have so much trouble leading his own home?

David was unwilling to take charge of his children, demand obedience, or punish them for their sins. But, along with Moses, David is arguably the most outstanding leader in the Old Testament. No other men are like them in terms of sheer leadership. So the obvious question is: How could such a strong leader be such a poor parent? How could a man who led other men in battle and ruled a kingdom so exceptionally have so much trouble leading his own home?

The answer is that David’s sons deserved the death penalty, but how could David, who had himself committed crimes deserving the death penalty, carry out that punishment against his sons who followed his example?

David couldn’t punish his sons because of his sin-filled past. He sees what they’ve done but knows he’s done worse. He feels he lacks the moral authority to punish them because of his failings.

• When Absalom rapes Tamar, David is angry, but he takes no action because of his sexual sin.
• When Absalom murders Amnon, David does nothing because he, too, has committed murder!

Train Up a Child in the Way He Should Go Regardless of Past Sins

This is one of the great lessons we can learn from David. David felt guilt and shame regarding the sins he committed. But he dealt with this guilt and shame the wrong way. He let it make him soft and indulgent toward his children.

Here’s what David could’ve said to his sons, and if you read this and your past sins discourage you from disciplining your children, here’s what you can tell yours, too: “I know the danger associated with not restraining yourself from sin. I don’t want you to make the same mistakes as me. I’ve paid a terrible price for my sins. I don’t want you to have to pay that price, too.” Real love looks our children in the eyes and says, “I want you to grow up to be a better man or woman than me. That’s why I’m disciplining you for this.”

The Command to Train Up a Child in the Way He Should Go Is Not Conditional on Our Pasts

Consider these two well-known proverbs about disciplining our children:

Proverbs 13:24 He who spares his rod hates his son, But he who loves him disciplines him promptly.

Failure to discipline our children shows hatred for them while disciplining them demonstrates our love.

Proverbs 19:18 Chasten your son while there is hope, And do not set your heart on his destruction.

We’re setting them up to be destroyed if we don’t discipline our children.

Neither of these proverbs – and none of the other verses about disciplining your children – are conditional on our pasts. If you’re a parent, this is what God commands, regardless of what you have or haven’t done.

But Isn’t It Hypocritical To…

I know what you’re asking, “Isn’t it hypocrisy to punish our children for sins we’ve committed? Isn’t it hypocrisy to hold our children to a higher standard than we held ourselves?”

The only hypocrisy is when you hold your children to a standard you don’t CURRENTLY hold yourself to. There’s a world of difference between holding your children to a standard you DIDN’T KEEP IN THE PAST versus holding them to a standard you don’t keep now.

Holding your children to a standard you don’t keep is hypocritical. It is not hypocrisy to hold your children to a standard you didn’t keep in the past, but – through repentance, the power of the Gospel, and the victory it has given you over sin – you keep now!

One of the most essential parenting lessons we can learn from David is our pasts are no excuse for not disciplining our children.

Train Up a Child in the Way He Should Go By Example

But here’s the other side of this, or what makes us hypocrites: if we’re going to punish our children when they do something wrong, we must ensure we aren’t doing those things ourselves:

• If we’re going to expect our children to do certain things, we need to make sure we’re doing those things.
• If we expect our children to see the seriousness of their sins, we must also make sure we know the severity of our sins.
• If there’s some spiritual fruit we want to see in our children’s lives, we better make sure our children know that fruit in our lives.

I want to explain this lesson by looking at a passage in Romans 2 that can apply to parenting. The first verse might sound a little confusing, so I will try to explain it in two parts…

Romans 2:1a Therefore you are inexcusable, O man, whoever you are who judge,

Paul says we’re inexcusable – or without excuse – when we judge others because we’re showing that we know what they’re doing is wrong. Therefore, we have no excuse when we do the same thing.

If we apply this to parenting, if we know it’s wrong for our children to do it, we better know it’s wrong for us to do it. This is what Jesus meant when He said:

Matthew 7:1 “Judge not, that you be not judged. 2 For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you.”

These are probably the most misunderstood verses in the entire bible. People love to quote these words like you can never say anything wrong. But that’s not what Jesus was saying! He said if you judge something as bad, make sure you’re not doing it yourself because you will be judged with the same standard you use in judging others.

Sin In Our Children’s Lives Is Sin in Our Lives

To apply this to parenting, if you think something is a sin in your children’s lives, you better think it’s a sin in your life. If you believe your children shouldn’t be doing something, you must ensure you don’t do it. You tell your child, “Hey, stop your whining!” Then you walk around the house all day complaining about the weather, your job, neighbors, friends, or spouse. If we do this, what will our children think when they get older and look back on how we acted as parents? They’re going to believe we are hypocrites!

Romans 2:1b for in whatever you judge another you condemn yourself; for you who judge practice the same things.

Paul says you condemn yourself because you say others shouldn’t do things, but then you practice the same things. Again, taking it back to parenting, disciplining our children means punishing them for behaviors we’ve said are wrong. But if we discipline our children for something WE DO, our children will think we’re hypocrites. Continuing in Matthew 7:

Matthew 7:3 Why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye (or you could say your child’s eye), but do not consider the plank in your own eye? 4 Or how can you say to your brother (or how can you say to your child), ‘Let me remove the speck from your eye’; and look, a plank is in your own eye? 5 Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s (or child’s) eye.

Jesus isn’t telling us NOT to take the speck out of someone else’s – or our child’s – eye, in fact He tell us TO REMOVE it. But He says first to ensure the speck is removed from our eye.

Our Children Act Like Us

Let me share something that has occurred with Katie and me. There have been times when we have been frustrated with our children only to sit back and honestly say, “They are acting a lot like us.” There have been parents I’ve heard complain about their children, and in my mind, I’m thinking, “This sounds just like you! This is how you act! This is what you’re like!”

If we go back to Romans 2, Paul provides a scathing critique of the hypocrisy we want to avoid in our parenting:

Romans 2:20 an instructor of the foolish (this is us: Proverbs 22:15 says foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child), a teacher of babes (we’re teachers), having the form of knowledge and truth in the law. 21 You, therefore, who teach another (or who teach your children), do you not teach yourself? You who preach that a man should not steal, do you steal?

Parenting involves a lot of teaching and preaching, but we must also ensure we teach and preach to ourselves! Spurgeon said, “Train up a child in the way he should go – but be sure you go that way yourself.”

We tell our children not to steal, so we want to make sure there are no ways – even little ways – that we steal: are you dishonest on your taxes? Do you take home supplies from your workplace? Do you think, “Oh, nobody will miss this”?

Romans 2:22 You who say, “Do not commit adultery,” do you commit adultery? You who abhor idols, do you rob temples?

Abhorring idols and robbing temples first refers to dishonest activity. Again, do we punish our children for being dishonest, but then we’re dishonest?

Regarding adultery, Jesus said if we lust, we’re committing adultery in our hearts. Hopefully, any fathers reading this will talk to their sons about purity. If you’re a father, that’s one of your responsibilities. But how hypocritical would it be as a married man if you were talking to your sons about purity, but then you’re looking at – or thinking about – things you shouldn’t? If we expect our children to be pure – and we should expect that – we must ensure we’re pure, too!

Romans 2:23 You who make your boast in the law, do you dishonor God through breaking the law?

The Jews boasted about God’s Law, but then they dishonored God by breaking it:

• Do we present a very high view of God’s Word to our children but then dishonor it by living out a very low view of it in our personal lives?
• Do we expect our children to pray but not model prayer for them?
• Do we expect our children to read God’s Word but then not read it ourselves or with them?
• Do we expect our children to be committed to church and the body of Christ, but we don’t prioritize church or the body of Christ ourselves?

It’s tragic when parents expect their children to live up to a higher standard when they’re older than the parents live up to themselves when the children are younger.

Katie’s Best Friend Who Committed Apostasy

My wife, Katie, had a friend whose mother was very proud of being a Christian. She boasted about her Christianity, as the verse says, but she didn’t live it out in her home. The girl said, “The Bible was under the seat in the car. It was taken out for church, then it was put back there the rest of the week.”

This girl resents her mother because of her hypocrisy, but even worse, she resents Christianity. There aren’t many things—if anything—that push children away from the Lord faster than hypocritical parents who claim to love Christ but don’t show it in their lives.

J. C. Ryle said, “Instruction, advice, and commands will profit little, unless they are backed up by the pattern of your life. Your children will never believe you are serious, so long as your actions contradict your words. To give children good instruction and a bad example is the same as pointing them to heaven, while taking them by the hand to hell.”

Children aren’t blind. They can tell very quickly if their parents have committed to Christ. They can tell very quickly if their parents practice what they preach. They can tell very quickly if their parents have expectations of them that they don’t have of themselves. Children can tell very quickly if their parents are hypocrites.

Romans 2:24 For “the name of God is blasphemed among the Gentiles (or it could say: the name of God is blasphemed in your home) because of you,” as it is written.

It’s very fitting for the passage to end with this verse because it’s exactly what some parents do. This is referring to the Jews being hypocrites in their relationships with God, and as a result, they made God look bad to the Gentiles. When parents are hypocrites in their relationships with God, it makes God look bad to their children.

Modeling What We Want to See

Now, if we don’t want our children to think we’re hypocrites, and if we don’t want to make God look bad to them, we need to model what we want from them! We need to discipline our children, but first, we must ensure we discipline ourselves. Let me give you a few practical examples:

• If we want our children to clean up after themselves, we must also make sure we do the same.
• If we want our children to be on time, we need to make sure we’re punctual.
• If we want our children to respect authority, we must show a healthy respect for authority.
• If we want our children to be servants, they must see us serving.
• We need to be joyful if we want our children to be joyful.
• If we don’t want our children to get angry and raise their voices, we must control ourselves and speak calmly. It looks pretty bad when you’re telling your kids not to yell while you’re yelling at them for yelling: “WOULD YOU ALL STOP YELLING AT EACH OTHER!!! WHERE DID YOU ALL LEARN TO ACT LIKE THAT?”
• If we want our children to treat each other – and others – lovingly, they need to see us treating others lovingly. How bad does it look when you criticize your children for how they treat each other, but…that’s how you treat them…or how you treat your spouse?

We need to make sure we practice what we preach. We need to ensure we don’t tolerate behavior in ourselves that we don’t tolerate in our children. If we tolerate behavior in ourselves that we don’t tolerate in our children, our children will think we’re hypocrites…and they could possibly resent us.

Cotton Mather said, “Parents, be exemplary. Your example may do much towards the salvation of your children; your works will more work upon your children than your words; your patterns will do more than your precepts, your copies more than your counsels.”

Why Do Pastors’ Kids Commit Apostasy?

We’ve all heard stories about how pastors’ kids can turn out poorly. I don’t know the statistics, but if a higher percentage of pastors’ kids rebel, I suspect this is probably the reason. These children look at their father standing before the church each Sunday preaching about what people should or shouldn’t do, and perhaps they don’t see their father doing the things he tells others to do, or they see their father doing the things he tells others NOT to do. As a result, they think their father is a hypocrite, and this pushes them away from the Lord.

I’m a pastor, so I’ll share something with you candidly. This is a healthy fear of mine. I preach the Word weekly, and my children have sat through hundreds of hours of my sermons and family Bible studies.

And here’s what I know: I will never obey God’s Word perfectly. As long as I’m a pastor and alive, I will always fall short of the standard set in God’s Word. Therefore, to some extent, I will always be a hypocrite in my children’s eyes.

Tell your Children You’re a Sinner

I can only foresee one possible way to prevent my children from resenting me and thinking I’m a hypocrite as they get older. I want to tell you what I’ve decided to do, and I want to encourage you to do the same so your children don’t think you’re a hypocrite and so they don’t resent you. That’s telling your children you’re a sinner.

Here’s the truth: None can live up to God’s Word perfectly. None of us can live up to our teaching perfectly. So, to some extent, all of us can look like hypocrites to our children.

One of the most common principles regarding Christian parenting is, “Make sure your children know they’re sinners. Then they’ll know they need a Savior.” I agree with this completely. But you don’t often hear how important it is to make sure your children know that YOU know you’re a sinner!

Here’s what I’ve decided to tell my children from the earliest possible age: “Daddy fails and makes mistakes. Daddy has weaknesses and struggles. Daddy needs the forgiveness offered through Christ as much as each of you. Daddy is a sinner, and he needs a Savior as much as you need a Savior.”

Yes, I’m a pastor, so yes, the danger is probably more significant for me, but the reality is that if you’re a parent and you discipline your children—which you should be doing—and you set any standard for behavior in your home—which you should also be doing—at different times, you will inevitably fail to keep the standard you set. That means we all need to be aware of a real danger as parents: the danger of becoming hypocrites in our children’s eyes—the danger of having children who resent us because we don’t perfectly uphold the standards we set.

The Two Ways Children Find Out Their Parents Aren’t Perfect

Children tend to think that their parents do nothing wrong when they are young. But then they get older, and they learn their parents are sinners, too. So it’s not whether our children will learn this about us. It’s simply a question of HOW our children will learn this about us.

And there seem to be two ways for them to learn this. First, they can learn it when they get older, realizing it on their own, probably leading to frustration and disappointment, possibly even some hostility toward us, because we allowed them to think we were perfect…and they were the ones with all the problems. Or we can be honest with our children when they’re young: “Daddy and Mommy are sinners. We make mistakes. We need God’s forgiveness and your forgiveness at times, too.”

When you’re honest with your children like this, it accomplishes some wonderful things:

1. It endears your children to you. They will have greater affection for you.
2. It makes them more comfortable sharing their struggles with you instead of hiding them because they think you think you’re perfect. Nobody wants to talk to someone like that.

Model Accepting Responsibility

One of the best ways to tell your children you’re a sinner is simply by accepting responsibility for your actions. As parents, we want to see our children do this – take responsibility for their actions – but it’s tragic how many parents won’t do this themselves. So when you make a mistake, don’t justify yourself, make excuses, or blame your kids, spouse, work, neighbors, or friends. Instead, look your children in the eyes and say:

• “I am very sorry for what I did. Will you please forgive me?”
• “I should not have talked to you like that. Will you please forgive me?”
• “I should not have talked to your mother like that – or I should not have disrespected your father like that. Will you please forgive me?”

When you promise your children something – you’re going to take them somewhere or get them something – and it doesn’t happen, don’t make excuses. Instead say, “I know I told you I would do that and I didn’t. I am very sorry. There is no excuse. Will you please forgive me?” This is what godly parents do. This is how godly parents avoid being hypocrites in their children’s eyes.

If your children are older and have left the home, and you have regrets, it’s not too late. Call them or, better yet, stop by and visit them in person to talk to them face-to-face. Apologize and ask for their forgiveness. It isn’t too late for reconciliation.

Choosing to Be Proud or Humble

If you don’t want to talk to your children like this – because you’re too prideful or you’re too immature – then you might have to look forward to two problems with your children as they grow up. First, they might not respect you. They might even resent you. Second, they might end up being like you: they’ll be prideful, immature. They won’t say sorry or accept responsibility. They will make excuses. They won’t be humble. They’ll blame others, maybe you.

But if we will model humility for our children, if we tell them we’re sinners, if we tell them we need the Gospel as much as they do, we can hopefully prevent our children from being disappointed – or worse – resentful toward us we can hopefully avoid having children who think we’re hypocrites.

Most importantly we can have children who see the work of the Gospel through us. Because what is our main motivation for wanting to avoid hypocrisy? Is it because we want to look good to our children? Is it because we want them to be impressed with us? No. It’s because we don’t want to put a stumbling block between them and Christ. What we really want is for them to see Christ through us.

Earlier Sermon and Questions for Reflection

An earlier presentation of this teaching is available in Avoiding Hypocrisy in Parenting. You can also watch that sermon recording. Both presentations call parents to model the repentance and faith they teach their children.

• What are your children learning from your response to temptation and failure?
• How can you correct their sin while acknowledging your own need for grace?
• What would modeling humility and repentance look like in your home?