Threats to Intimacy in Marriage-author-scott-lapierre

Four Threats to Intimacy in Marriage

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God gave sex as a gift. The problem is that as sinful people in a fallen world, we have the potential to ruin anything good God gives us. Let’s take a look at three of the most common threats to healthy intimacy in marriage.

1. Selfish Attitudes Are a Threat to Intimacy

Husbands and wives should be committed to satisfying each other, but Scripture must also be balanced in light of other Scripture. If 1 Corinthians 7 were the only passage considered, people could demand their spouses satisfy their desires regardless of the way the other person feels. But other verses command love, gentleness, compassion, and deference in the marriage relationship. While it would be unhealthy, and even sinful to deprive our spouses for selfish reasons, it can also be equally unhealthy and sinful to be demanding or insensitive toward our spouses.

Although Paul listed fasting and prayer as possible reasons for abstinence, common sense and simple consideration dictate there are other acceptable reasons—sickness, pregnancy, or grief. When people are suffering or struggling, they might find intimacy very unattractive. God wants sex to be enjoyable for both individuals. Selfish and unkind attitudes threaten the joy and pleasure God desires for couples.

To learn more about temptations husbands and wives face, watch this message I deliver at Marriage God’s Way Conferences

2. Mismatched Desires Are a Threat to Intimacy

Because no two people are the same, marriages always involve differences that have the potential to cause problems—finances, parenting, organization, promptness. Among these differences are mismatched desires for physical intimacy. There will inevitably be times when one spouse desires sex and the other does not. Possibly causing even more tension, there can be different desires regarding how the actual physical intimacy takes place.

Since sex should be enjoyable for both spouses, couples should strive to ensure there is a mutual level of comfort regarding expressions of intimacy. Love and respect means caring how the other person feels.

A Hypothetical Situation

Let me present a situation that can happen in any marriage. Spouse A desires intimacy while Spouse B does not. While there are no contradictions in Scripture, there can be situations when biblical commands would appear to compete with each other. For example:

  • Spouse A might quote from 1 Corinthians 7 that spouses should not deprive each other, perhaps even being insensitive enough to add: “I know you don’t want to do this, but I don’t care. You need to obey God and recognize your body belongs to me like Paul said!”
  • Spouse B might then respond: “Why don’t you flip forward a few chapters and read about love in 1 Corinthians 13! And Philippians 2 says you’re not supposed to look out for your own interests but to esteem others above yourself!”

So, should Spouse A’s desire for physical intimacy be satisfied, or Spouse B’s desire for no physical intimacy? God established a husband’s headship and a wife’s submission in order to break a stalemate so the relationship can go forward, but 1 Corinthians 7:4 says:

For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise, the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.

Since husbands and wives have equal authority over each other’s bodies, unlike most impasses in marriage, it is not as easy as a wife simply submitting to her husband. For lack of a better way to say it: “Who wins?”

Boiling conflict down to who wins is not only selfish but will always cause problems. When counseling, I try to avoid being a referee. That makes marriage look like a competition, with husbands and wives seeing themselves on opposing teams competing against each other. This could not be further from what God desires when He joins two people together and makes them one flesh.

Rather than winning, a better approach for each spouse is one that seeks to die to self and please the other. If both spouses have this attitude:

  • Spouse A will appreciate the effort Spouse B makes to satisfy Spouse A’s desire for intimacy even when Spouse B does not want to be intimate.
  • Spouse B will appreciate when Spouse A puts Spouse B’s feelings ahead of Spouse A’s desires.

This approach allows couples to have a strong relationship and, more often than not, differences of mismatched desires will resolve themselves.

One might think that the “best” marriages exist between two similar people, but even the most compatible couple will have a miserable marriage if they are selfish. The healthiest, most joyful relationships consist of people who are the most giving, selfless, and sacrificial. This applies to every area of marriage, including intimacy.

Two Important Disclaimers

  1. If I had to suggest erring on one side or the other, I would recommend erring on the side of satisfying your spouse. Why? First Corinthians 7 commands husbands and wives to satisfy each other, but there are no competing Scriptures telling believers that they do not have to satisfy their spouses. Yes, we have considered biblical instruction regarding being loving, compassionate, and considerate toward our spouses, but those verses do not relate directly to intimacy. We have direct commands to please our spouses, but any verses we might think give us an out from pleasing our spouses must instead be inferred. A direct command should always carry more weight than verses that require inferences.
  2. Consider the results of both courses of action. The potential consequences of not satisfying your spouse far outweigh the “consequences”—if you want to call it that—of satisfying your spouse. There are not many drawbacks to pleasing your husband or wife, but the apostle Paul said that when people go without physical intimacy they are subjected to greater temptation (1 Corinthians 7:5).

3. Impurity Is a Threat to Intimacy

Of all the gifts God has given us, sex might be the most perverted. This is even more tragic when considering that intimacy is most enjoyed when couples have pure hearts and minds. People who reserve all of their desires and passions for their spouses will have the healthiest sex lives, and this is why impurity is one of the greatest threats to intimacy.

In any discussion of impurity, pornography almost immediately comes to mind. My son Ricky recently shared with me how amazed he was that a bull can be controlled by a ring through its nose. He could not believe that a creature so big and powerful could be led around by something as small and insignificant as a ring. This is what pornography does with people. It controls them. It does not matter how powerful or significant people are, when they introduce pornography into their lives, it will control them.

We also have to be concerned with what we set our hearts, thoughts, or feelings on. While there is nothing wrong with having friendships between genders, we should be cautious of becoming too close with those of the opposite sex. Even if your feelings for someone are pure and healthy, you cannot control how someone may feel towards you, and you do not want to become the object of someone else’s misplaced affection.

It is best to err on the side of caution and avoid becoming “the good listener” or “shoulder to lean on” for a friend of the opposite sex. This is especially true with married friends who should be pursuing such relationships with their spouses. Recently I have learned of three prominent ministry leaders who experienced moral failures because of their relationships with the opposite sex. More than likely each situation began with casual friendships that escalated after becoming too close.

What If Your Husband Looks at Pornography?

Pornography is one of the greatest threats to intimacy in marriage. Here are three encouragements for the wife whose husband struggles with this evil sin…

1. Communicate How Difficult It Is to Respect Him

We don’t punish our children when they’re only a months old, because they don’t know better and they lack self-control. Growing up means knowing better and developing self-control. When men look at things they shouldn’t it’s not masculine. Instead, they’re showing they’re like babies who have no self-control.

Pornography turns men into boys (or babies). This is why few (if any) things destroy a wife’s respect for her husband faster than pornography. A wife should pray for the opportunity to share with her husband respectfully, but honestly, how difficult his sin makes it for her to respect him.

2. Encourage Him to Find an Accountability Partner

When I counsel a man struggling with pornography, I do not send him back to his wife for accountability:

  1. She will understandably be speaking more out of her personal hurt. This prevents her from giving him the objective, honest counsel he needs. It’s beneficial when another man can look him in the eyes and tell him the problems he’s causing himself and his wife.
  2. Women have different struggles with men. She will not be able to relate to her husband the way another man can. Men tend to struggle with purity visually. Women tend to struggle with purity emotionally, thinking of how much better another man would treat her.
  3. A husband will not want to share his failure with his wife, because of shame, but also because of the pain he knows it will cause her.

For these reasons it’s best if men receive accountability from other men. Perhaps a godly friend or elder in the church who can correct him.

3. Strive for Brokenness Over Anger

Understandably wives are angry when their husbands look at pornography, but James 1:20 says, “the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” Often the anger produces fighting and arguments. A wife’s brokenness over her husband’s sin will encourage him to feel terrible about what he’s doing.

4. Pray for His Salvation

A pattern of unbroken sin is evidence of being unsaved:

Everyone who makes a practice of sinning also practices lawlessness; sin is lawlessness. You know that he appeared in order to take away sins, and in him there is no sin. No one who abides in him keeps on sinning; no one who keeps on sinning has either seen him or known him. Little children, let no one deceive you. Whoever practices righteousness is righteous, as he is righteous. Whoever makes a practice of sinning is of the devil, for the devil has been sinning from the beginning. The reason the Son of God appeared was to destroy the works of the devil. No one born of God makes a practice of sinning, for God’s seed abides in him; and he cannot keep on sinning, because he has been born of God.

1 John 3:4-9

There’s a good chance that a husband who habitually looks at pornography isn’t saved. Pray for his salvation. As an unregenerate man there’s little chance he’ll develop victory over his addiction in his own effort. He needs the indwelling Holy Spirit helping him.

4. Discontentment Is a Threat to Intimacy

Many in secular society view contentment as they view love—as a feeling or emotion over which they have no control. The Bible, however, presents contentment the same way it presents love—as a decision. In marriage we choose to be content or discontent with our spouses—the way our spouses look and what our spouses offer us:

Let your fountain be blessed,
And rejoice with the wife of your youth.
As a loving deer and a graceful doe,
Let her breasts satisfy you at all times;
And always be enraptured with her love.

Proverbs 5:18-19

A number of words reveal the pleasure God wants us to experience with our spouses: “blessed . . . satisfy . . . enraptured.” We have the choice to feel these ways toward our spouses, and that is communicated by the words, “Rejoice . . . Let her satisfy you at all times . . . always be enraptured with her.” These words are commands we can obey or disobey. Husbands and wives can choose to be content with their spouses, but only if they are pure.

The couple in Song of Solomon only had eyes and feelings for each other. They were completely content with each other. As a result, their physical intimacy was healthy and joyful.

Three Practical Suggestions to Combat Threats to Intimacy

  1. Rip our eyes away from anything that provokes feelings of attractions for anyone other than our spouses. Do this because God commands it as part of living a holy life for Christ, but also understand that failing to do so destroys the intimacy in marriage. Individuals who give themselves over to pornography or lust find very quickly that they feel no attraction for their spouses.
  2. Take steps to ensure purity in your marriage: avoid certain places, remove certain movies from your home, or install accountability software on a computer.
  3. Go to Scripture with life’s problems, and we can find the answer to an absence of intimacy in the Song of Solomon. This book helps husbands and wives enjoy the physical aspects of marriage. As you read it, pray for God to restore and increase your attraction for your spouse. It is a wonderful prayer request.

Discussion Questions for Husbands and Wives Regarding Threats to Intimacy

  1. What threats do you see to intimacy in your marriage? What can you do to combat them? What do you feel your spouse can do to combat them?
  2. Do you and your spouse have different desires when it comes to sexual intimacy? If you recognize differences, how do you deal with them? What changes do you need to make? What changes would you like to see your spouse make?
  3. Regarding friendships with the opposite sex:
    • Do you have any you believe threaten your—or the other person’s—purity? If yes, what will you do differently?
    • Do you feel your spouse has any threatening his/her—or the other person’s—purity? If yes, discuss with your spouse.
  4. What steps can you take to ensure purity in your marriage? What would you like to see your spouse do to ensure purity in your marriage?
Your Marriage God's Way: A Biblical Guide to a Christ-Centered Relationship
Your Marriage God's Way Workbook author Scott LaPierre

The content in this post is found in Your Marriage God’s Way and the accompanying workbook.

16 Responses

  1. So you lean towards satisfying the higher drive spouse? That depends on whether their desire is reasonable or not. If a spouse wanting sex more times than the other spouse is able to give, then it might ruin what they already have. A lower drive spouse who is giving all they can, will often feel like they are never enough.

    1. Hello Fiona,
      I don’t know if I would say that I lean toward satisfying the higher drive spouse. I would say that I lean toward satisfying the spouse who desires sexual intimacy at the time, regardless of whether this is the higher or lower drive spouse. I think 1 Corinthians 7 is pretty clear that to not satisfy the person who desires intimacy is to subject them to greater temptation.

      At the same time, the balance, is that the person who desires sexual intimacy should take into account how the other person is feeling. They should be considerate and exhibit self-control and self-denial if it is in the other person’s best interest.

      Overall, the main desire of both spouses should be to satisfy the other. In a relationship for this is the case. You will have two blessed individuals.

      I talked about this more in this post, A Biblical View of Intimacy and Abstinence.

  2. As I was listening to a message by Paul Washer last night, God just really impressed upon my heart, that marriage isn’t about ME and my husband meeting all my needs…marriage is all about Him and growing us in sanctification. If our marriage was so easy, struggle and hurt free, we’d miss out on growing more dependent on the Lord Jesus Christ…

    So dear lady, cry out to God to grant you forgiveness and mercy to your husband. WE have done far worse to Christ, yet He extended much grace and mercy to us ❤ Seek godly council (as it seems you are) and rejoice that God is Sovereign and He works all things for His purpose and glory…. Your forgiveness will be a huge testimony of God’s glory. The world cares more about their own rights (like they’d justify you leaving him) but children of God die to self and even suffer for God’s glory. Your forgiveness to your husband is God’s grace to him as well…

    Our chief end is to GLORIFY God in everything ❤

    1. Hi Angie,
      Thank you for reading and providing these thoughts. You’re right, and I hope others read what you wrote. If we’d all approach marriage this way – that it’s for our holiness versus our happiness – we wouldn’t see so many divorces, and even so many disappointed people. Expectations shape experiences. If people approached their weddings knowing that it’s about sacrifice and commitment, as much joy and blessing, that expectation could better shape their relationships when married.

      Your counsel is strong, but right. I hope she (and others) read it. We need to forgive, because we have been forgiven.

  3. Good article and sound advice. I would also counsel the wife that this is not happening because she is not attractive or unlovable. When pornography is discovered often this will cause women to spiral into a swirling sea of insecurity which can cause even more issues. When this has been discovered we feel like we need to know what they have seen and we seek out to look at what they see. I would encourage against that as we should not seek out images that would hurt us. Pray for your spouse, support them in treatment, talk together about ways to place spyware on devices and when there is a setback be open to talking and praying about it even though it will hurt each time.

    1. Hi Jamie,
      Thanks for reading and commenting. Good thoughts. I hope The Hurting Wife (and others) read what you wrote. I think your words complement very well what Stacy said that wives shouldn’t blame themselves.

      It never occurred to me that a woman would want to know what her husband saw, and as a result, look it up themselves. I agree with you that pray for repentance would definitely be the better approach, recommend treatment, counseling, implement protective software, etc.

  4. This is a must read! I have this problem myself and God has recently convicted me. I’m praying that this article will shine some light for others to see that watching porn is not ok.
    I revealed to my wife in general conversation that I had been looking at porn on a regular basis, both before and after we were married, and this devastated her. This is on top of other problems we already had.
    I didn’t realize the effect this had on us. We reached out to a few people and discussed how to work through it. That was both helpful and disastrous because quite a few people took my side and expressed to Krista that watching porn was not a problem and I saw how much more this devastated her.
    As of now, I have not had any interest in looking at it but I do know that it is very possible one day that I could. I also realize that I need help, both for myself and to help Krista Mercille work through the pain that I caused. I want her to know that she can trust me again.

    1. Bryan,
      First, thank you for reading and commenting.

      Second, on behalf of anyone who reads the post and (hopefully) sees your comment, I also want to thank you for your humility and transparency.

      Third, it’s terrible that you received counsel that basically encouraged you in your sin. Thank God you had the integrity to not use it as an excuse. I’m sure that must’ve been an encouragement to Krista. I’m glad God’s Word is your authority, and not these foolish “friends.”

  5. How is a wide supposed to get over her husband’s porn use? I caught my husband. He spent the last couple of years watching porn on his work phone and computer. He is now in recovery for addiction, but since he was lying and I had to search and find out what was going on I know everything he watched and every vulgar search term he used. It just makes me feel dirty and ashamed to be a woman. Now that I know how he sees women and uses them for his own gratification I just have no desire to stay with him. So how is a wife supposed to heal from all this?

    1. Hello Hurt Wife,
      First, let me say I am truly sorry about what your husband has done, and the pain it has caused you.

      You asked:

      So how is a wife supposed to heal from all this?

      I’ll give you five recommendations…

      First, you said he’s in recovery. This 1. shows he wants to change, and 2. is commendable. Many men (sadly) wouldn’t take this step.

      Second, although you haven’t committed the same sins as your husband, and haven’t hurt him in the same way(s) he hurt you, you have still sinned and hurt him in different ways throughout your marriage. To be clear, this is the case with every husband and wife, and is not meant to make you feel criticized. I mention this, because thinking about your own sins and failures should humble you and make forgiving your husband easier.

      Third, you can think about everything God has forgiven you for, and I would recommend reading the Parable of the Unforgiving Servant in Matthew 18:21-35. I struggle with forgiveness and bitterness. Whenever I read that parable it convicts me and causes me to want to be forgiving.

      Fourth, remember the covenant you entered on your wedding day. You didn’t just enter it with your husband. You also entered it with God. He expects you to keep it, and will give you the grace to do so.

      Fifth, you said:

      I just have no desire to stay with him.

      I believe you, and I’m sure there are many challenges associated with staying him. BUT the gospel is powerful enough to heal any marriage and give you greater love and affection than you’ve ever had for your husband.

    2. I might add that in no way is her husbands decision her fault- she can own her own sinfulness but in no way is she responsible for his actions. That comes from his own sinful heart. So yes, she needs to reflect on ways she could grow but that never excuses the choices her husband made and never justifies his sin!

      1. Stacy,
        Good thoughts, thanks for sharing. I agree. I can imagine that many women would be mad at their husbands, but they might also start wondering if they did something wrong. This would be unfortunate, making a hurting woman feel even worse.

  6. How to pray for my man who is so flirtatious & not loyal in marital relationship since from marriage. It is extremely hard to live in this life with unfaithful spouse? Whenever asked,he says plenty of lies. Am extremely depressed.kindly help me in this.

    1. Hi Beula,
      First, thanks for reading and commenting.

      Second, I’m very sorry to hear about the way you’re saying your husband is acting. Is your husband a Christian? It’s hard to imagine a Christian man acting this way. If he’s not a Christian, the first thing you need to do is pray for his salvation. If he is a Christian, pray the Holy Spirit greatly convicts about his behavior. Also, while it might be very hard to do this, considering the way he’s acting, I would encourage you to respect him and pursue his affections. It will convict him to mistreat such a wonderful, godly wife. Plus, you’ll be allowing the Lord to work through your obedience, versus you responding angrily and returning evil for evil.

    2. I highly recommend the book “Love Must Be Tough” by James Dobson. God doesn’t excuse away our sin or look the other way. That is not loving, nor should we look the other way and continue to excuse a spouses sinful behavior. Sometimes the loving thing to do is take a stand- while still letting the person know YOU are committed to the covenant. Boundaries can be set and established in a situation like this and often are the catalyst for real change. In the end it is the Holy Spirit who has to bring your husband to conviction but that may have to start with you calling the sin what it is.

      1. Stacy,
        Thanks for giving Beula some counsel. You might elaborate to her what you mean by, “taking a stand.” I was wondering that. I’m guessing you mean letting the person know their actions are sinful? I was also wondering what the boundaries might look like that you’re recommending?

        Beula, here’s the book Stacy’s recommending, Love Must Be Tough, and it’s 46% off on Amazon!

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