Six Ways to Provide Biblical Comfort for Those Who Mourn (Job 2:11-13)

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Over the last few months, while a man in our congregation was dying of cancer, I developed a burden to equip the church to minister to those mourning. Job’s friends set a great example in Job 2:11-13. Read on to learn six ways to provide biblical comfort for those who mourn.

The previous post, Learning to Weep With Those Who Weep, was about what we should not do when what we shouldn’t do when comforting those who mourn. This post is about what we should do. Here are six ways to provide biblical comfort for those who mourn. For examples of practical help a congregation can offer, see the sponsored article on how the Christian community can support someone after a loss.

First, Provide Biblical Comfort for Those Who Mourn By Being Like Job’s Friends (at the Beginning)

I know Job’s friends are the proverbial bad friends. When you want to tell people they are bad friends, you tell them they are like Job’s friends. So you might look at this lesson and wonder if I made a mistake. But Job’s friends started off well. Look at Job 2:11:

Job 2:11 Now when Job’s three friends heard of all this evil that had come upon him, they came each from his own place, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite, and Zophar the Naamathite. They made an appointment together to come to show him sympathy and comfort him.

Notice three things about Job’s friends:

1. Each man came from his own separate place. They didn’t live near each other.
2. They made an appointment to meet to travel to see Job. This is the ancient world before people had cell phones or cars to drive. I don’t know how far they lived from each other and then how far it was to travel to Job, but I’m sure this was no small thing.
3. They wanted to do two things. First, they wanted to show him sympathy, and second, they wanted to comfort him. We’ll talk about sympathy later. For now, let’s see how they comforted him:

Job 2:12 And when they saw him from a distance, they did not recognize him. And they raised their voices and wept, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads toward heaven.

They wept with him. Romans 12:15 says, “Weep with those who weep.” Job’s friends are a great example of this. First Corinthians 12:26 says, “If one member suffers, all suffer together.” They suffered with him as well:

Job 2:13 And they sat with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his suffering was very great.

Job’s friends continue to impress! We tend to read verses quickly, but think about what this says because it is incredible: they sat on the ground for seven days and seven nights and didn’t say a word!

Comforting without Saying Anything?

Verse eleven says they were going to comfort him. If we were asked what it means to comfort someone, wouldn’t we think it involves saying something? But they comforted him without saying anything, and we’re told the reason why: because they saw that his suffering was great.

Suffering and words are practically inversely related: the greater the suffering, the fewer the words. When people learn someone is going through something difficult, they want to visit but don’t know what to say. Most of the time, when you are with suffering people, the best thing you can do is be with them and listen. It is called the ministry of presence. You won’t probably won’t have to say much.

Second, Provide Biblical Comfort for Those Who Mourn By Taking the Initiative

Job’s friends made an appointment to meet and coordinate their travel to see him, but Job didn’t seek them out. When people are suffering, they don’t usually ask for help, a meal, or to be visited. Typically, we have to do these things without being asked.

Social media is one of the greatest threats to comforting those who are mourning and to the Ministry of Presence. I’m not saying social media can’t be used in positive ways. However, social media makes people feel like sending a message is the same as visiting.

I understand if we live on the other side of the country and it isn’t reasonable to visit, then sending a message telling people we are praying for them and asking if there is anything we can do is reasonable. But, over the years, I haven’t heard people talk about how encouraging it was when they got a message. I have heard people say how encouraging it was when someone visited them or brought them a meal.

Third, Provide Biblical Comfort for Those Who Mourn By Dealing with Silence Wisely

When did Job’s friends start looking like bad friends? When they started talking! A good principle is: if you can’t improve on silence, don’t. I know silence can be awkward, but when silence is best, let there be silence.

But this is a wisdom issue that requires balance because there are times we should talk, and people are waiting for us to talk. So, if you’re confident you should improve on silence, let me give you recommendations:

1. Read scripture, and I recommend going into these situations with verses in mind. Here are some recommendations: Psalm 23, Psalm 48:14, Psalm 116:15, Isaiah 43:1-2, Revelation 21:3-4, John 11:25, 1 Corinthians 15:35-58, 2 Corinthians 5:1-10
2. Pray for healing and comfort. Assuming the person is a believer, you can thank God for the gospel, thank God that the person’s suffering will end soon, and thank God the person will soon be in Christ’s presence.
3. Share encouraging memories. Friends and family want to know their loved one will not be forgotten, and sharing memories communicates that the person will be remembered. Plus, hearing memories can bring people joy that combats the grief. They know the person is physically gone, but in a small way, it seems like the person is still here.
4. Sing even if you don’t think you have the best voice. People will often sing with you if it’s a familiar song.

Fourth, Provide Biblical Comfort for Those Who Mourn By Being Empathetic

Job 2:11 says Job’s friends wanted to show him sympathy. I’m not saying this would have saved them from the problems they caused later, but maybe it would have helped if they pursued empathy instead.

The Bible commands sympathy and empathy, and they are different:

• Sympathy is feeling for someone, but empathy is feeling with someone
• Sympathy is understanding someone’s feelings, but empathy is feeling someone’s feelings

Here’s a verse about sympathy:

1 Peter 3:7 Husbands, live with your wives IN AN UNDERSTANDING WAY, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.

This verse commands us as husbands to understand our wives or be sympathetic to them. We should think about what our wives are going through and strive to live with them according to that understanding. But this is not empathy. Empathy means trying to experience what someone is experiencing.

Distinguishing Between Sympathy and Empathy

We must understand the difference between sympathy and empathy because the two verses we have been focusing on command empathy. We are not just to understand what people are experiencing; we are to do our best to put ourselves in their place and try to feel what they are feeling:

Romans 12:15 Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.

If this verse were about sympathy, it would say to be happy for those rejoicing or sad for those weeping. Instead, it says to do what they are doing – rejoice and weep – because we feel what they are feeling.

1 Corinthians 12:26 If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together.

It doesn’t say that if one member suffers, everyone is sad for them, or if one member is honored, everyone is happy for them. Instead, everyone suffers with the suffering person and rejoices with the honored person because we are supposed to try to feel their suffering and feel like we are being honored.

Remember, Job’s friends accused him of being a horrible sinner. According to their theology, God only lets evil people suffer, so because Job suffered so much, he must be terrible. Job responded by describing his innocence and righteousness. Here’s one of the reasons Job said he was a righteous man:

Job 30:25 Did not I weep for him whose day was hard? Was not my soul grieved for the needy?

Job declared that he was empathetic.

Being Empathetic Is Incredibly Difficult

I am not the best at empathy. I am not talking about this because I’m great at it. Instead, I am trying to rightly divide God’s Word and tell you what it says, and I recognize it is challenging.

Sympathy is no small thing. It requires listening well, concentrating on what the person says, and trying to understand them. These things are important. But they are not empathy. Empathy requires trying to put ourselves in the suffering person’s position to feel what they are feeling, doing our best to imagine what happened to them is happening to us.

I visited a twelve-year-old girl who died of a brain tumor. Empathy requires imagining that’s your sister, daughter, or granddaughter. I visited a family whose son drowned, and empathy requires imagining your son or brother drowned. A man in our church slowly died of cancer, and empathy requires imagining watching your father, husband, or grandfather slowly pass away before your eyes. And this is why we weep with those who weep and suffer with those who suffer, not just because we are sad for them but because we imagine the same thing is happening to us.

Fifth, Provide Biblical Comfort for Those Who Mourn By Recognizing Some Can Comfort Better than Us

We should recognize that some people can provide better comfort than us for two reasons: their season of life and their experiences. Let me deal with each of these.

Children Comforting Children

First, when I say season of life, I will give you an example with children. When tragedy strikes, children are often involved, and I have found that children can often minister to children better than adults. For that reason, I have frequently tried to bring my children when other children were present, and it’s been communicated that it’s a blessing, so I want to pass this along.

When a family’s house burned down, I brought Rhea to be with the daughters, and the mother told me later that she appreciated it. When a boy drowned, I brought Rhea and Ricky to be with his brother and sister. In this situation, Ricky might have also ministered to the father because I can still vividly remember watching him cling to Ricky and cry on him for a while after we arrived at the house. I think my children provided ministries in these situations that I couldn’t.

Those with Similar Experiences Comforting Each Other

The second way this lesson applies is regarding the trial itself. People who have been through a trial can often minister to those going through something similar. Let me clarify: this does not mean we can’t comfort people just because we haven’t been through the same thing. Whether or not we’ve been through the same thing, we must all mourn with those who mourn. But we should recognize that when people have been through the same thing, God can give them a unique ministry to each other.

Once, I saw a van pull up, and it was filled with burn survivors. They got out one after another. We had a good friend who worked with burn survivors, and when I talked to her about it, she said, “Yes, it’s common to bring burn survivors together. It is such a traumatic experience that they need to be surrounded by people who have experienced the same.” Even the secular world recognizes how people who have experienced the same trials can help each other.

A Woman Who Also Lost Her Brother to a Drug Overdose

A few years ago, I received a phone call from a woman wanting me to perform a funeral. The woman didn’t live here, and I had never met her. To put it simply, we had no relationship. It was very impersonal: I would perform a service for her, and that’s it.

So I asked her about the person who died, and she said, “He was my brother.” I thought, “I lost a brother.”
I said, “Was it unexpected?” She said, “Yes, it was completely unexpected.” I thought, “It was unexpected when my brother died.”
She said, “He had been struggling with drugs, in and out of jail a few times.” I thought, “My brother was struggling with drugs and was in and out of jail a few times.”
Then she said, “We got a phone call that he overdosed.” I thought, “I remember when I got the phone call that my brother overdosed.” Then I told her what happened with Jason.

At that moment, the conversation changed. In a way, our relationship changed. Even though we had never met before, there was a connection now. I could understand her, and she could understand me. I could sympathize with her, and she could sympathize with me. I knew what she had been through, and she knew what I had been through. You feel a relationship with people who have been through something similar.

The Bauskas Comforting the Ordways

One of my good friends, Elwyn Ordway, was instrumental in my becoming a Christian. After I moved to Woodland, he followed with his family. They moved back to California a few years later and then moved east. We have been able to remain friends. They stayed with Rhea and me two years ago at a speech and debate tournament, and we were texting back and forth earlier this week.

When they lived here, they had a son, Jonah, and he was born with a genetic disorder. I think it was particularly devastating to Britta. She said it was one of her greatest fears coming true. Our church rallied around them as we have done with others, but they praised the ministry of one family in particular. When I visited Elwyn out east, he again mentioned how much this family ministered to them, and that was the Bauskas.

Praise God that Andy’s cancer is so far in the rearview mirror that many of you probably don’t even know that he battled with it. Plus, he’s thirteen feet tall, so you would never guess he had a disease. But that was something they fought for years, and it allowed them to minister to the Ordways uniquely and beautifully.

Feeling Inadequate Comforting

One Sunday, someone came up after service. Before the person reached me, I could tell he was burdened, and this would be a heavy conversation. Sadly, I felt inadequate to help him because he wanted to talk to someone who went through something similar. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw someone who had experienced something similar. I motioned for the person to come over, and then I had the pleasure of watching him minister to the hurting man in a beautiful way that I couldn’t.

I can talk to:

• someone who lost a spouse, but how much better might another widow be able to minister to her?
• a woman who can’t have children, but how much better might another woman who can’t have children be able to minister to her?
• people who have lost a child, but how much better might another couple who lost a child might be able to minister to them?

Let me give you another example that has happened a few times at my marriage conferences. Katie isn’t a perfect wife, and I’m far from a perfect husband, but she has been wonderful.

Proverbs 31:10 the heart of her husband trusts her.

I share about being able to trust Katie not to talk bad about me behind my back or embarrass me by things she says or how she acts when I’m not around. So, what is a man thinking if he comes up to me to talk about his wife disrespecting or embarrassing him? He’s thinking, “You don’t have any idea what I’m going through.”

What if she has committed adultery, and the topic of having to forgive her comes up? He’s thinking, “Easy for you to say. How would you know how difficult it is to forgive an adulterous spouse? Why don’t you come back and talk to me if your wife is ever unfaithful.” But who might be able to minister to this man in a way that I couldn’t? The man who had a difficult wife.

Why Everyone Must Be Involved in Comforting

That’s why we read these verses that are so important regarding comforting others:

2 Corinthians 1:3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 

One of the main points of these verses is that we are supposed to comfort others because of the difficult situations we have experienced. Nobody likes to be afflicted, but one of the blessings of suffering is that it allows us to minister to others in ways we wouldn’t be able to if we didn’t experience those trials. We can comfort others with the same comfort with which God has comforted us.

This is also why every single person in the church is so important. Your different afflictions will allow you to minister to others in ways the elders could never do.

Sixth, Provide Biblical Comfort for Those Who Mourn By Making Yourself Uncomfortable

I know that going and being with people who are suffering is uncomfortable for most people. I know that doing things I mentioned, such as praying aloud, reading Scripture, or singing, is uncomfortable for many people. So, I have just told you to do something uncomfortable in the middle of an already uncomfortable situation.

But here’s the thing: These situations are not about our comfort. They are about the suffering person’s comfort. We are not putting ourselves in these situations to be comfortable. We are putting ourselves in these situations to comfort others. So, maybe you are uncomfortable:

• Maybe you are uncomfortable going, but remember it’s not about your comfort.
• Maybe you are uncomfortable praying in front of people, but remember it’s not about your comfort.
• Maybe you are uncomfortable reading Scripture in front of people, but remember it’s not about your comfort.

In these situations, we must prioritize the suffering person’s comfort over our own. We must stretch ourselves and do what might be uncomfortable.

Philippians 2:4 Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.

Wedding, Births, and Deaths

I think the two most wonderful events in life are weddings and births. I have performed almost twenty weddings and have been there for the births of ten children. Each was an emotional and beautiful experience. But there is also something unique and sacred about being with people at the end of their lives.

When I went to be with a man dying of cancer, I brought Johnny to minister to his son and grandson. When I came home, I told Katie that Johnny turned a chapter in his life. When the man took his last breath, Johnny was standing at the end of the bed with his arm around the grandson, holding him and weeping with him. When we drove home, I didn’t have to talk to Johnny about it other than to tell him I was proud of him. I knew that night changed him, and he would never forget it.

When dealing with people during these sacred moments, there are different expectations or rules. Dignity is different. Some acceptable things happen in these situations that wouldn’t be acceptable at other times. You must try to read people in these situations to see what they want. I would never encourage you to violate your conscience, but even if you would never hug someone of the opposite sex, or maybe even someone of the same sex who isn’t your spouse or family member, if you can comfort the person mourning by hugging them, I would encourage you to do so.

Perfect Comfort Is Not Until the Next Life

Revelation 21:4 He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”

Only when we get to heaven will all weeping and suffering end. Until then, it remains part of our lives. So, as long as we’re on this side of heaven, we will continue to have the great privilege of providing comfort for those who mourn.

Second, this encourages us to look forward to heaven. God doesn’t allow us to turn this life into the next. He wants us to look forward to the next life when we will finally experience complete comfort and spend eternity worshiping Him.

If you’re an unbeliever, this will be the closest you’ll ever get to comfort. Instead of looking forward to comfort for eternity you are looking forward to eternal torment. Those who reject Christ choose eternity apart from Him. I am pleading with you to repent of your sins and believe.

Matthew 25:46 says, “[These] will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life.”

Today can be the day of your salvation.