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Do you want to understand biblical intimacy in marriage? What does the bible say about withholding intimacy in 1 Corinthians 7:1-6? Read or listen to this material from Your Marriage God’s Way for answers.
Table of Contents
How do we determine the critical topics in Scripture? I frequently tell my congregation that God does not use highlighting, italics, boldface, or underlining for emphasis. Instead, He uses repetition when He wants to make sure we don’t miss something.
Physical intimacy is discussed several times in the Old and New Testaments. One book, Song of Solomon, is primarily dedicated to the topic. When God’s Word addresses a subject repeatedly because it is crucial, we must make it meaningful by learning what Scripture says about it. If we don’t do this, we are more likely for our understanding of that subject to be shaped by the world. When it comes to physical intimacy, we want to know what the Bible teaches, for secular society has a thoroughly corrupt view of it. So, let’s take a closer look at God’s intended design for intimacy in marriage, starting with three fundamental truths.
The Bible says God blesses Intimacy in Marriage
Hebrews 13:4 says, “Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge.” The word “bed” is a euphemism for physical intimacy, and within marriage, God calls this activity “undefiled,” which means “pure.” The same New Testament Greek word, amiantos, is used earlier in Hebrews 7:26 to describe Jesus, our High Priest, as “holy, harmless, undefiled.” God wants us to know there is absolutely nothing sinful or compromising about physical intimacy between a husband and wife.
When it comes to wrong thoughts about physical intimacy, we typically think of the devil tempting people to disobey the second half of Hebrews 13:4 and engage in physical intimacy outside of marriage. But what about when he tempts people to disobey the first half of the verse? He leads them to believe physical intimacy is defiled or impure.
I once counseled a man in his fifties who was addicted to pornography. I mention his age only because pornography is more typically considered a struggle for young, single men. But it can enslave men—and women—of any age, in any season of life. Now, upfront, this man’s actions were sinful; there was no way to minimize the wickedness of what he was doing. That said, after months of counseling, it became apparent that one reason for his addiction was a wrong view of intimacy. His mother told him at a young age that biblical intimacy in marriage was filthy, and he was never able to rid himself of that belief. He told me, “I look at porn because at least then I’m not involving my wife in a dirty activity.” Though I tried to convince him otherwise, he never seemed to be able to shake himself free of his mother’s incorrect teaching.
In the Song of Solomon, the couple consummate their relationship in chapter 4, and we read of God’s approval in 5:1: “Eat, O friends! Drink, yes, drink deeply, O beloved ones!” This invitation is meant to encourage husbands and wives in their physical intimacy. Not only should intimacy in marriage not be considered neutral, amoral, or nonspiritual, but it should be thought of as good, spiritual, and blessed by God.
The Bible Says Intimacy in Marriage Is for Enjoyment as Much as for Procreation
God’s purpose for intimacy goes far beyond simply having children. Yes, God created physical intimacy so couples can fulfill His command in Genesis 1:28 to “be fruitful and multiply,” but He also gave biblical intimacy in marriage as a gift for marital pleasure. The Song of Solomon contains passages describing how a husband and wife can enjoy each other physically. Consider these verses:
- “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth—for your love is better than wine” (1:2).
- “A bundle of myrrh is my beloved to me, that lies all night between my breasts” (1:13).
- “Like an apple tree among the trees of the woods, so is my beloved among the sons. I sat down in his shade with great delight, and his fruit was sweet to my taste” (2:3).
- “Your two breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle, which feed among the lilies” (4:5).
These verses (with perhaps the exception of the last one!) are discreet, but they describe the physical pleasure the husband and wife experience during biblical intimacy in marriage. They truly enjoy discovering each other and opening up to one another. Within the marriage relationship, there is a liberty and freedom that God wants couples to experience.
What About Oral Physical Intimacy?
Song of Solomon promotes oral physical intimacy. Consider the following metaphors:
- Fruit is the male genitalia:
- Garden is the female genitalia.
- Eating, drinking, and tasting are metaphors for oral physical intimacy.
This verse likely refers to the wife performing fellatio, or oral physical intimacy, on the husband:
Song of Solomon 2:3—As an apple tree among the trees of the forest, so is my beloved among the young men. With great delight I sat in his shadow, and his fruit was sweet to my taste.
She praises him physically. “Sat in his shadow” means being beneath or below him.
These verses likely refer to the husband performing cunnilingus, or oral physical intimacy, on the wife:
Song of Solomon 2:16—My beloved is mine, and I am his; he grazes among the lilies.
Song of Solomon 4:16—Awake, O north wind, and come, O south wind! Blow upon my garden, let its spices flow. Together in the Garden of Love
She: “Let my beloved come to his garden, and eat its choicest fruits.”
“Let spices flow” after the husband “[blows] upon [her] garden” is probably a euphemism for an orgasm.
Song of Solomon 5:1—He: “I came to my garden, my sister, my bride, I gathered my myrrh with my spice, I ate my honeycomb with my honey, I drank my wine with my milk.”
Others: “Eat, friends, drink, and be drunk with love!”Song of Solomon 8:2—I would lead you and bring you into the house of my mother—she who used to teach me. I would give you spiced wine to drink, the juice of my pomegranate.
What About Anal Physical Intimacy?
Anal physical intimacy is called sodomy in Scripture, and 1 Corinthians 6:9 says, “sodomites…will not inherit the kingdom of God.” Sodomy is unhealthy, unnatural, and sinful. There is no place for it in a Christian marriage.
The Bible Says Intimacy in Marriage Is Commanded
I have counseled couples who have not been intimate for months and, in a few cases, even years. During the first counseling session with one such couple, I assigned them homework: be physically intimate before our next counseling session, one week later. They came back and still hadn’t been intimate. I gave them the same homework, but they still didn’t do it. You would think this wasn’t a difficult assignment, but it is for some couples. Was I out of line for giving them this encouragement? No. Look at this biblical view of physical intimacy:
It is good for a man not to touch a woman. Nevertheless, because of immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband. Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband (1 Corinthians 7:1-3).
The phrase “touch a woman” is another euphemism for biblical intimacy in marriage. Paul commands single people to abstain, but then says that it is equally wrong for married people to abstain. Just as the devil wants to encourage physical intimacy outside of a marriage (fornication and adultery), he equally wants to discourage physical intimacy within a marriage. While we generally recognize that intimacy outside of a marriage is wrong, we should also acknowledge that withholding intimacy in a marriage is equally wrong. Paul instructs married people to “render” to their spouses the “affection” or intimacy that is “due.” The Greek word translated as “due” is opheilo, which means “to owe, be in debt for.” Here are two other places this term is used in the New Testament:
- “That servant went out and found one of his fellow servants who owed [opheilo] him a hundred denarii; and he…threw him into prison till he should pay the debt [opheilo]” (Matthew 18:28-30).
- “There was a certain creditor who had two debtors. One owed [opheilo] five hundred denarii, and the other fifty” (Luke 7:41).
Spouses owe affection—or intimacy—to each other. Withholding intimacy out of anger or to be vindictive or manipulative is not only unloving and sinful, it is also dangerous, as we’ll see in the upcoming verses.
The Bible Says Your Body Belongs to Your Spouse
The apostle Paul continues in 1 Corinthians 7, “The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does” (verse 4). The husband is the head of the wife, so it is significant to see that, concerning intimacy, husbands and wives have equal authority over their spouse’s body. This makes sense because when it comes to biblical intimacy in marriage, our goal should be to please our spouse willingly.1
Should You Ever Abstain?
While a husband and wife should not deprive one another of intimacy in marriage, the Old Testament mentions some circumstances during which couples should abstain from physical intimacy. For example, when the Israelites gathered at Mount Sinai to receive the Ten Commandments, they were commanded to abstain as part of their preparations to meet God (Exodus 19:10-14). A more ordinary period of abstinence took place after a woman gave birth. She was considered unclean for seven days following the birth of a son and two weeks following the birth of a daughter (Leviticus 12:1-5). A similar restriction of seven days occurred when a woman was menstruating (Leviticus 15:19-24; 18:19; 20:18). The original purpose of these commands to abstain is found in an understanding of the sacredness of blood in the Old Testament: “The life of the flesh is in the blood, and I have given it to you upon the altar to make atonement for your souls; for it is the blood that makes atonement for the soul” (Leviticus 17:11). Forbidding contact with a menstruating woman revealed the value placed on blood.
The obvious question for us today is, Should husbands and wives abstain on account of these Old Testament commands? Some couples choose to abstain because they believe these commands still apply. Others believe the ceremonial portions of the law—under which these commands fall—are no more binding than the commands to offer blood sacrifices at the temple. Romans 14:5 provides some latitude for couples as they address these questions: “Let each be fully convinced in his own mind.” Couples should agree together regarding the circumstances under which they choose to abstain. They should not do so unless both husband and wife agree to abstain. This is supported by the apostle Paul’s words as he continues his instruction in 1 Corinthians 7:5-6:
Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. But I say this as a concession, not as a commandment.
The Danger of Depriving Your Spouse
Even when the New Testament discusses abstinence, it is for “fasting and prayer” instead of observing Old Testament commands. Paul also makes the point that couples do not have to abstain from physical intimacy. Instead, he says they can do so if they choose to, for the reasons mentioned. It is acceptable if a husband and wife go through their entire marriage without abstaining from physical intimacy. If they agree to abstain, “for a time” and “come together again” indicate that abstinence should be for a determined, limited season. The words “so that Satan does not tempt you” reveal the reason: There is greater potential for succumbing to temptation while abstaining. In 1 Corinthians 7:9, Paul writes, “If they cannot exercise self-control, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.” First Corinthians 7:5 and 7:9 both teach that when people refrain from physical intimacy, their self-control is put to the test.
Husbands and wives must recognize that when they deprive their spouse of biblical intimacy in marriage, they put their partner in a spiritually precarious situation. They risk making their spouse feel, once again, like a single person “[burning] with passion.” A man or woman who looks at pornography or commits adultery cannot blame the sin and lack of self-control on the spouse. Still, it is essential to understand that husbands and wives who withhold affection make their spouses more vulnerable to temptation. Knowing that fact and the teaching that our body belongs to our spouse makes us realize how committed we should be to satisfying our spouse. We should consider what the Bible says about physical intimacy, not just to obey God’s commands but also to help our spouse avoid temptation.
- Indirectly, these verses imply that whatever we do with our body should have our spouse’s approval. For example, if a man wants to grow a beard, he should consider whether his wife wants him to do so. If a woman wants to wear her hair a certain way, she should consider her husband’s thoughts.
We should make reasonable efforts to stay healthy. We want to be a blessing to our spouse, be around for many years, and be available to take care of them if they become sick. ↩︎
60 Responses
My husband is never satisfied. He thinks I should allow him to touch me any he pleases all day, every day, no matter the place and time. He pulls on my clothing, and every time I speak, he makes it sexual. If I sit down, he exposes himself to me and tells me what I will do to him that night. He does this at least ten times a day. If I do give him what he asked for, he finds reasons to judge it and says that it did not count because it was not exactly what he wanted. He says he needs sex daily, but the times I have given it to him daily, he is back within 2 hours, saying it didn’t count. I feel it is hopeless. I finally did what he was begging me to do, and now he’s made a new rule that he will never be satisfied until I am satisfied. He does not show love or affection without immediately wanting sex or referencing sex. I can not hug my husband without him trying to undress me. I’ve explained I feel very unloved, and he turns it around on me, saying I make him feel unloved by not giving him sex every time he wants it. If I do not have sex with him, he will ignore me all day. He says everything is my fault for not fulfilling his needs. If he doesn’t wake up on time, it’s my fault for not having sex with him because if I did, he would have slept better. If I am asleep, he will undress, get on top of me, and do whatever he wants. I don’t know how I can continue living like this for the rest of my life.
Hello Natasha,
I’m sorry to hear about what you are experiencing with your husband. Unfortunately, without hearing his side it is hard for me to respond. You are saying that he exposes himself to you at least 10 times per day?
Assuming what you are saying is true I want to encourage you to reach out to the elders of your church. You and your husband need counsel. Hopefully one of the elder’s wives can help you, and one of the elders can work with your husband.
Isn’t ‘satisfying the desire of the spouse who wants intimacy at the time…’ the same thing as leaning towards the needs of the higher drive spouse? The higher drive spouse will always want satisfying more than the lower drive spouse. Your comment is another way of telling a spouse who doesn’t want sex ‘at the time’ to ramp it up and just do it no matter what. If I have misunderstood your answer to Fiona, please explain what you mean by ‘satisfying the desire of the spouse who wants intimacy at the time’. They might just want it ‘all the time’.
Hello PQ,
Yes, I do recommend leaning toward the needs of the higher drive spouse. Scripture says as much directly. But I did say that there are indirect commands, such as those dealing with consideration that encourage the higher drive spouse to think about the lower drive spouse. So, no, I wouldn’t say that the lower drive spouse should be expected to “Just do it no matter what” as you said, but I do think if we are being honest with Scripture it clearly says we are expected to satisfy our spouse.
What would you say to the spouse exhausted from the demands of the higher drive spouse? If they cannot satisfy their ‘needs’ and are miserable, a word to the spouse with the ‘need’ must be advised to exert control over themselves. How can a higher-drive spouse enjoy sex when they know that much of the time, the lower-drive spouse is just not enjoying it? Satisfaction for one at the expense of the other is not acceptable.
Hello Anonymous,
Please read this post I wrote: Five Threats to Enjoyable Sex and Intimacy in a Christian Marriage (Proverbs 5:18-19). The fourth threat discusses the problem you’re describing. It is completely legitimate, and I hope this helps you.
Citing scripture has obviously been of no help to Oleksandra. God puts qualified people in place to help those who are desperately needing that help. No, if the only thing you are doing is citing scripture, you are not doing enough.
Hello Wendy,
I do agree with you about reaching out to qualified people. In this case, I hope she would reach out to her church elders. They can provide counseling and hopefully come alongside her husband. If it turns out to be an abusive situation, hopefully they can find a safe place for her to live separately from her husband while he is helped.
With respect Scott, as a believer in a healthy marriage and a woman I do not agree with your interpretation of Oleksandra‘s issue. She started with, “He does not accept “no” in sex.” the word “No” is a full sentence, and in a loving marriage modeled after biblical scripture that you quote, the word No should be respected and honored if it comes from either husband or wife. She weeps after sex— she just painted a picture of rape within marriage, and that even in written words you missed it makes me concerned that your lack of being able to call it out for what it is for fear of what it looks or sounds like should be addressed between you and the Lord.
My advice ladies is this, if he does not listen to your needs the first time you make him aware that he is raping you, yes use that word RAPE, which happens when you say, “No,” yet he still does whatever he wants to do to your body, then get up and leave!
Tell him that you refuse to just be a hole in bed and if you love him and do not desire a divorce then get help— fast. If this has happened so many times that he has completely broken you, then you need to not only consider getting help and getting away from him, but also consider making your support system aware of what’s happening.
If something like this happened to me (which it has not) I would tell my father-in-law and he would put his son in his place— but if that’s not an option— then a man that is in a good marriage would need to correct your spouse and put him in his place. He needs to win your love and trust and yes, your desire for sex—-
And I’ll say something controversial in addition to this— if a man is burning in desire and his wife says no— it is NOT her fault if he commits adultery or gets into porn! A Godly man and priest of his home has two choices: go into a period of fasting to seek intimacy with God during the time his wife says no, so that he may pray for a breakthrough within himself or her or their relationship—or use his hand to relive himself while thinking if his wife. The victimization of a man who is being told “no” is ridiculous, because prior to marriage he was required to practice abstinence… now that he is married it should be easy for him to live with whatever request or schedule his wife sets for sex and intimacy because first and foremost they should regard one another with LOVE.
And this is not even going into the topic of pregnancies and child bearing and raising— God’s design for marriage and family is beautiful—- but when the enemy creeps in and corrupts sex, then it’s easy for me to assume that there are other symptoms that exist outside of the bedroom that point to her husband’s misalignment with God’s Word and will as the priest of the home.
At the end of the day, even when Eve ate of the fruit that God said not to, God did not ask her what had happened because Adam was responsible for his household, and he knew she was being deceived and he allowed the serpent to take advantage of his wife. Adam failed to be the leader God called him to be, failed to instruct his wife effectively and lovingly, and her choice was a reflection of his poor leadership.
If a man truly emulated Christ’s love towards his wife, I can assure you, this rape and baby birthing situation that this young lady brings up would not be happening!
Men, take responsibility for your role and calling from the Lord and stop allowing your flesh to determine what’s what and let the Holy Spirit teach you to love, lead, and respect yourself as Christ loved the church and THEN you can give yourself to your wife in the manner you both deserve! God hold men accountable for their family, therefore, it is the man’s responsibility to lead in alignment to Christ’s example of what love is, how it is expressed, and how to teach his wife and children what a healthy loving relationship looks like and feels like when in alignment with God’s Devine plan for husbands and wives.
God bless you Oleksandra, I hope you have gotten the help you need to heal yourself and your relationship 🙏
And as for you, Scott, your blog was well written, and I agree with it, but this response to the comment was just tone deaf—I hope you seek the Lord on this issue Scott— it’s not right to skirt around issues like this and not call it out for what it is, or worse, be completely blind to the issue, especially as a man that is offering biblically based advice. I’ll be praying for you both 🙏
Hello Selah,
Okay, thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts. I hope Oleksandra can read your comment, find some truth and direction from it, and be encouraged. God bless!
Way to go to blame her for her husbands sin. He uses vulgar, search terms to find what he wants and lies to her. Nowhere does it say that she is withholding sex from him. Yet you say she must look to find out where her own sin might be facillitating his porn use? This is just awful. NOTHING a wife does is an excuse for the degrading way she says he regards women. I’m so angry right now that you are doling out such damaging ‘advice’. But I’m even more concerned and sad that with all the recent progress in dealing with these issues in marriage that women such as Hurting Wife are still seeking it!
Hello Anon,
Nice to hear from you. Thanks for commenting, even if it seems like you disagree with some of the counsel.
I’m sorry, but I’m having trouble figuring out which comment you’re responding to. If you can let me know, I will do my best to respond to your comment.
What should you do if you realized that your wife is a covert narcissist? When talking about her behavior she responds typically narcisstic with gaslightning and blame shifting. She never apologize. Never confirm my feelings or the kids. 25 years we have been togheter. It’s very hard. I have realised that I am raised in family where my dad is and two sisters has narcisstic tendencies. And I became a codependent to my mother, being nice to everyone, and not standing up for myself til now. Is there room for divorce? She dont recognize her flaws once…it’s always me, because she cant take shame.
Hello David,
I am sorry about what you are experiencing with your wife. Comments like these are always hard to respond to, because the Bible tells us to listen to the other side before coming to a conclusion. So that I can respond, I will assume what you wrote is completely true.
This might not be what you want to hear, but when you married your wife you committed to spend your life with her through good and bad. Unfortunately, it sounds like you are experiencing the bad, but it does not change your commitment to her. I just finished writing something similar to a wife regarding her husband.
No, there is not room for divorce. Again, you covenanted with God to spend your life with her. I would reach out to the elders for counsel, and perhaps one of the elder’s wives can reach out to your wife to disciple her. If what you are saying is true, then your wife might not be a Christian and what she really needs is the gospel. Maybe she will not receive it from you, but perhaps you will receive it in counseling or from an elder’s wife.
I was unfaithful in our marriage almost 20 years ago. My husband and I went to Biblical counseling and healed from this betrayal. I repented of my sins to God and to my husband and I have remained faithful to him. While we have been given a new relationship by God’s grace, we still lack sexual intimacy. My husband says he forgives me, but we have been intimate maybe (big maybe) ten times in four years. He rejects most of my advances- kissing, holding hands, etc. I shrug it off as he gives me excuses of he doesn’t like the mattress on our bed. We’ve slept in separate rooms for the past four years. We enjoy each other’s company as it relates to watching movies, shopping, worship, etc. But we have no sex life. He even said to me, he is glad God took his desire for sex. I don’t know what to do or say. If I mention lack of intimacy, he will get around to bringing up my indiscretions.
Hello GAJ,
I appreciate your humility and acknowledging your previous unfaithfulness. I’m also glad to hear that you and your husband received biblical counseling to heal from your sin.
Although, I am sorry to hear about the lack of intimacy in your marriage. You mentioned your unfaithfulness. Are you saying that’s why your husband doesn’t want to be intimate? Later you said that he said God took away his desire for sex.
If you help me understand why your husband doesn’t want to have sex, then I can better respond. In the meantime, there is a section of the post that provides three recommendations. I would encourage you to start applying them and see if your husband would as well.
Do single people with a “burning passion” need to marry ASAP even if they aren’t currently dating anyone?
Hello Sarah,
The problem is that getting married can be much harder than we want. In other words, even if someone wants to get married ASAP as you put it, that’s not always possible. I remember how much I wanted to be married, yet it took a few years to happen. What I would say instead is if people have the burning passion you are referring to in first Corinthians 7, then they should be doing two things. First, they should be preparing for marriage, and by that I mean preparing to be a godly husband or wife. Second, they should be reasonably pursuing a spouse by putting themselves in places that allow them to meet godly people of the opposite sex who are also looking to marry.
How should a wife handle a lazy husband who does not put in equal effort for her pleasure in sex as she does for his? Should she put aside her pleasure and be doomed to a disappointing and frustrating sexual relationship? Is it selfish to care about having one’s own needs met?
Erin,
I am sorry about the problems you’re experiencing in your sex life with your husband. No, it is not selfish to care about having your sexual needs met. These are healthy desires God has given us and it is reasonable to want them satisfied.
I feel like I would need to know more information to respond well, but using just what you wrote I would make the following recommendations. First, have you communicated kindly and respectfully to your husband that you wish he would put more effort into pleasing you? I think that is a very reasonable thing to share with him. You should also be prepared to explain to him what you would like him to do. Perhaps it is an issue of obliviousness and ignorance for him versus selfishness.
Second, I don’t know what you mean about putting aside your pleasure and being doomed to a disappointing and frustrating sexual relationship. We all have crosses to bear. For some people it is cancer, a rebellious child, betrayal from a friend, etc. Perhaps for you it is a sex life that is not everything you desire. While you can want it to improve, just as a husband might have to accept that his wife is not as respectful as he wants or a wife might have to accept that her husband does not listen as well as she wants, you might have to accept your sex life won’t be everything you desire. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh, but it is true.
Or, she could explain to him that she is not enjoying sex and set up boundaries if things don’t change. By boundaries, I mean no more sex for him unless he starts to take her seriously.
Dan,
I completely agree with you about setting up boundaries, but I am not sure I can see the scriptural support for completely withholding sex from a spouse. This goes for a wife toward a husband and a husband toward a wife. I base this on 1 Corinthians 7.
My husband doesn’t accept No in sex. If I kindly ask him to wait for a few days he doesn’t stop, he doesn’t hear me. He says that he loves me and I am beautiful, and that I should be worry as I am pregnant already. And we have sex, but after it I am crying, I am angry, I don’t feel respected, I don’t feel I have choice and rights. My husband wants many kids. He doesn’t think I need a break between pregnancies even if I ask for it and tell a reason why.
I love him but what should I do to help him understand? Because I don’t say no, we can hug (or do other things), but asking him in gentle way to wait, and have it like Thursday. But he says he doesn’t like schedules and it’s like a surprise, that life is unpredictable. And that’s how we should be living.
Thank you. I hope God gives me an answer.
Oleksandra,
I’m sorry to hear about the problems you’re having in your sex life. Can you respectfully and gently share with him how you are feeling about your pregnancies? Also, have you thought of putting your pregnancies in God’s hands and leaving it up to Him? Perhaps praying that if God – who is the Author and Creator of life – doesn’t want you to be pregnant so frequently that He will provide some space? My wife, Katie, and I believe we should leave it in God’s hands, which is why I have provided this encouragement; however, there are times that I believe it is reasonable to delay pregnancy. But I would need more information to know whether that would be reasonable for you and your husband.
The more I reflect on your comment, it seems to be an issue of consideration. I think it would be best if you tried to talk to your husband about these things as I said earlier, and if that still doesn’t work, reach out to one of the elder’s wives in your church.
No, he’s raping her and expecting her to put her health at risk by constant and repeated pregnancies. I sincerely hope this woman gets some proper, sensible advice before something really terrible happens. Don’t reach out to anyone’s wife, get some help and protection. I really wish women wouldn’t try to get help for serious problems from sources which just aren’t qualified or equipped to give it.
Jan,
I agree with you that he is definitely mistreating his wife, but I would not go so far as to call it rape at least as I understand it. Rape would mean forcing her to have sex against her will, which it doesn’t sound like he’s doing. But he definitely lacks gentleness and affection that should characterize a husband’s behavior toward his wife.
You wrote…
Are you referring to my post? If so, I was citing Scripture. What higher or greater source could someone find?
I’m sorry, a few days is a difficult request? Your counseling a women who has been hurt, that a FEW days is a difficult request for a man? If that man, who should be practicing to love his wife and SAYS that he loves her, can not wait a few days, to give his wife the space and time she needs-then he needs counseling. He can’t control himself for that long, he has issues. She needs proper counseling. I’m sorry for whatever up brining has allowed you to think this way and I’m sorry for anyone who is being taught that this is right.
Jen,
You are right. My response sounded bad. I edited it. I didn’t realize that’s how it sounded until you pointed it out. Thank you. In the Old Testament God expected men to wait 40 to 80 days after a baby was born and obviously men who are single must wait even longer, perhaps years. So it is not asking too much for a wife to ask her husband to wait a few days.
Yes, her husband should be striving to love his wife as Ephesians 5:25 commands and dwell with her in an understanding way as 1 Peter 3:7 commands. Unfortunately, I can’t talk to him, so I can only give her counsel. I agree that she needs proper counseling, which is why I asked her to reach out to one of the elder’s wives.
Good article, thank you. I am wondering what you would say about “kinky” intimacy… my husband is a recovered love addict and I have noticed my own tendencies for the same… we are 100% faithful to each other and have very strong boundaries up regarding the opposite sex and also for what we see, read, hear, etc. However, that doesn’t erase what we have seen in our pasts and I find our “sexual appetite” to be very secular, carnal and edgy. He thinks that it’s all okay, as long as we’re both on board, but, while my body agrees, my soul seems troubled… I’m not sure that these “expressions” are what God had in mind when he gifted us with sexual intimacy. What do you think? (For specifics, I’m talking about things such as mild BDSM)
Hello Robin,
I’m sorry, but without details – which I’m not asking for – I can’t comment on the appropriateness or inappropriateness. The fact the you said your “soul seems troubled” causes me to think you are convicted and don’t have the liberty to do whatever you are doing. Whatever is not of faith is sin. I would say that if you cannot do it without a clear conscience you should not do it.
With that said, I appreciated your comment and it caused me to recognize and weaknesses in my post, so I added some content about oral sex and annual sex. Thank you.
What are forms of intimacy that are not in the scriptures?
Hi James,
I’m not sure if you mean what forms of intimacy are sinful, or what forms of intimacy are not found in Scripture? Can you elaborate a little and I’ll do my best to respond? Thanks!
My apologies. I do want to give the impression that I am discouraging sexual activity between husband and wife. I just don’t think that is the point of Paul’s letter to Corinth.
Thank you for the back and forth.
Hi David,
Thank you for your humility. While I don’t think an apology is necessary, I do appreciate the clarification. The discussion with you has been a blessing to me too.
So Paul’s admonition to new Christians living in Corinth, an over-sexualized environment, to Christians who lacked self-control, to Christians who were engaged in immortality, Paul’s admonition was more sex not more self-control? I find your take on this epistle troubling.
As for the purpose of Song of Solomon, when read in context with Ecclesiastes and 1 Kings, it is not difficult to see it as a case study on what happens when one pursues pleasures rather than obedience.
Hello King Caspian,
Again, I responded below your comments:
For married couples, yes, the admonition is sexual activity with their spouse. The Catholic Church has paid a terrible price for discouraging sexual activity, and so have others who have had the view that it should be limited within marriage.
The place for self-control is with unmarried people. To say I’m discouraging self-control even with married couples wouldn’t even be correct, because plenty of self-control is still needed even when married. We must control our thoughts, hearts, and rip our eyes away from from immodesty and impurity.
David, I wonder why you would find it troubling that I promote sexual activity within marriage between and husband and wife? In years of pastoral ministry, the failure of men and women to think of their spouse and what their spouse wants has caused considerable problems. I’m surprised you’d further recommend that selfishness.
We clearly have a different view of Song of Solomon. You seem to see it as a “warning.” I see it as God’s guidebook to healthy, sexual intimacy. Also, while I haven’t read lots of commentaries, I will say I have never seen another person with your view of the book. When people ask if God has a book discussing sexual intimacy in marriage, Song of Solomon is the book to recommend, not prohibit.
1. Intimacy in Marriage Is Blessed by God
Agreed. Hebrew 13 makes this clear. However, there is a lot of disagreement about who is talking in Song of Solomon 5:1. It is more likely their friends and family, given the circumstances (see below)
2. Intimacy in Marriage Is for Enjoyment as Much as Procreation
Not sure we want to use Song of Solomon as an example of a healthy sexual relationship. The two main characters in that set of poems are living in disobedience to God. They worship each other instead of God (Exodus 20:3). The groom has multiple wives and sexual partners (ch 6, v8-9) when kings of Israel were not permitted to do so (Deut. 17:17). Furthermore, the couple is not fulfilling God’s command to procreate (Gen. 1:28). These poems are sexual fantasy from a man who engaged in much sexual experimentation (see Eccl. 2).
3. Intimacy in Marriage Is Commanded
You cannot just read 1 Corinthians 7:1b–3. You have to read it in context with the previous chapter and read at least to verse 7, if not the entire chapter. Paul is very clear in verse 6 that this is not a command. Sex is a concession for new believers who lack self-control in the area of sexual immorality. Given Paul’s admonishment to Christians in Thessalonica to pray unceasingly and his letter to Christians in Galatia explaining the fruits of the Spirit, it would seem odd for him to command sex. The goal is self-control and a consistent attitude of prayer.
When it comes to intimacy, our goal is to know and love our spouse, just as Christ loved the Church. If sex does not meet your spouse’s physical, emotional or spiritual needs, this might mean actually giving up any sexual activity for the sake of your spouse. We need to be careful about placing more burdens on Christian couples, especially when they are unnecessary and unrealistic.
Hello King Caspian,
I copied your post and will respond below your comments…
Even if it’s friends or family members saying the words, they still demonstrate God’s thoughts. The words are written in such a way that you can tell they’re expressing approval.
We err if we made the entire book prescriptive, but we would equally err if we made the entire book descriptive. Yes, there’s conflict between the two people, but that doesn’t mean the book should be written off as though it doesn’t contain application.
Exactly! That’s why I quoted this book to support that intimacy is for more than just procreation.
That could be true, but God has it in His Word for us for what reason? Simply to share the exploits of this man? No. There’s application for couples.
David, you misunderstood verse 6. Paul isn’t referring to sex in that verse. He’s referring to abstinence. So in other words, he said, “I’m not commanding you to abstain.” You can see that if you read it in context. Paul did command them to render the intimacy due to spouses (1 Corinthians 7:3).
I’m sorry David, but again you misinterpreted the verse. Paul’s concession was that couples can abstain…not a concession that they don’t have to render intimacy.
Regardless of whether it seems odd or not to you (and by the way it makes logical sense to me), it’s what he commanded of married people. As much as the devil wants to promote sex outside of marriage, he equally wants to forbid it in marriage.
I would strongly disagree with this. Paul actually warned against what you’re saying: “Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” Withholding from spouses subjects them to unnecessary temptation. Your approach of giving it up completely goes beyond even what Paul warned against to an extreme that would undoubtedly have terrible consequences. “Knowing and loving your spouse” as you said means obeying Paul’s words and rendering the affection that’s due.
I completely agree and withholding from a spouse does exactly what you’re warning against: placing more burdens on those being forced to abstain because of a selfish spouse.
How can a wife make a husband happy?
Hello Moffat,
I’m glad to try to answer your question, but can you please be a little more specific? Thanks!
So you lean towards satisfying the higher drive spouse? That depends on whether their desire is reasonable or not. If a spouse wanting sex more times than the other spouse is able to give, then it might ruin what they already have. A lower drive spouse who is giving all they can, will often feel like they are never enough.
Hello Fiona,
I don’t know if I would say that I lean toward satisfying the higher drive spouse. I would say that I lean toward satisfying the spouse who desires sexual intimacy at the time, regardless of whether this is the higher or lower drive spouse. I think 1 Corinthians 7 is pretty clear that to not satisfy the person who desires intimacy is to subject them to greater temptation.
At the same time, the balance, is that the person who desires sexual intimacy should take into account how the other person is feeling. They should be considerate and exhibit self-control and self-denial if it is in the other person’s best interest.
Overall, the main desire of both spouses should be to satisfy the other. In a relationship for this is the case. You will have two blessed individuals.
I talked about this more in this post, A Biblical View of Intimacy and Abstinence.
As I was listening to a message by Paul Washer last night, God just really impressed upon my heart, that marriage isn’t about ME and my husband meeting all my needs…marriage is all about Him and growing us in sanctification. If our marriage was so easy, struggle and hurt free, we’d miss out on growing more dependent on the Lord Jesus Christ…
So dear lady, cry out to God to grant you forgiveness and mercy to your husband. WE have done far worse to Christ, yet He extended much grace and mercy to us ❤ Seek godly council (as it seems you are) and rejoice that God is Sovereign and He works all things for His purpose and glory…. Your forgiveness will be a huge testimony of God’s glory. The world cares more about their own rights (like they’d justify you leaving him) but children of God die to self and even suffer for God’s glory. Your forgiveness to your husband is God’s grace to him as well…
Our chief end is to GLORIFY God in everything ❤
Hi Angie,
Thank you for reading and providing these thoughts. You’re right, and I hope others read what you wrote. If we’d all approach marriage this way – that it’s for our holiness versus our happiness – we wouldn’t see so many divorces, and even so many disappointed people. Expectations shape experiences. If people approached their weddings knowing that it’s about sacrifice and commitment, as much joy and blessing, that expectation could better shape their relationships when married.
Your counsel is strong, but right. I hope she (and others) read it. We need to forgive, because we have been forgiven.
Good article and sound advice. I would also counsel the wife that this is not happening because she is not attractive or unlovable. When pornography is discovered often this will cause women to spiral into a swirling sea of insecurity which can cause even more issues. When this has been discovered we feel like we need to know what they have seen and we seek out to look at what they see. I would encourage against that as we should not seek out images that would hurt us. Pray for your spouse, support them in treatment, talk together about ways to place spyware on devices and when there is a setback be open to talking and praying about it even though it will hurt each time.
Hi Jamie,
Thanks for reading and commenting. Good thoughts. I hope The Hurting Wife (and others) read what you wrote. I think your words complement very well what Stacy said that wives shouldn’t blame themselves.
It never occurred to me that a woman would want to know what her husband saw, and as a result, look it up themselves. I agree with you that pray for repentance would definitely be the better approach, recommend treatment, counseling, implement protective software, etc.
This is a must read! I have this problem myself and God has recently convicted me. I’m praying that this article will shine some light for others to see that watching porn is not ok.
I revealed to my wife in general conversation that I had been looking at porn on a regular basis, both before and after we were married, and this devastated her. This is on top of other problems we already had.
I didn’t realize the effect this had on us. We reached out to a few people and discussed how to work through it. That was both helpful and disastrous because quite a few people took my side and expressed to Krista that watching porn was not a problem and I saw how much more this devastated her.
As of now, I have not had any interest in looking at it but I do know that it is very possible one day that I could. I also realize that I need help, both for myself and to help Krista Mercille work through the pain that I caused. I want her to know that she can trust me again.
Bryan,
First, thank you for reading and commenting.
Second, on behalf of anyone who reads the post and (hopefully) sees your comment, I also want to thank you for your humility and transparency.
Third, it’s terrible that you received counsel that basically encouraged you in your sin. Thank God you had the integrity to not use it as an excuse. I’m sure that must’ve been an encouragement to Krista. I’m glad God’s Word is your authority, and not these foolish “friends.”
How is a wide supposed to get over her husband’s porn use? I caught my husband. He spent the last couple of years watching porn on his work phone and computer. He is now in recovery for addiction, but since he was lying and I had to search and find out what was going on I know everything he watched and every vulgar search term he used. It just makes me feel dirty and ashamed to be a woman. Now that I know how he sees women and uses them for his own gratification I just have no desire to stay with him. So how is a wife supposed to heal from all this?
Hello Hurt Wife,
First, let me say I am truly sorry about what your husband has done, and the pain it has caused you.
You asked:
I’ll give you five recommendations…
First, you said he’s in recovery. This 1. shows he wants to change, and 2. is commendable. Many men (sadly) wouldn’t take this step.
Second, although you haven’t committed the same sins as your husband, and haven’t hurt him in the same way(s) he hurt you, you have still sinned and hurt him in different ways throughout your marriage. To be clear, this is the case with every husband and wife, and is not meant to make you feel criticized. I mention this, because thinking about your own sins and failures should humble you and make forgiving your husband easier.
Third, you can think about everything God has forgiven you for, and I would recommend reading the Parable of the Unforgiving Servant in Matthew 18:21-35. I struggle with forgiveness and bitterness. Whenever I read that parable it convicts me and causes me to want to be forgiving.
Fourth, remember the covenant you entered on your wedding day. You didn’t just enter it with your husband. You also entered it with God. He expects you to keep it, and will give you the grace to do so.
Fifth, you said:
I believe you, and I’m sure there are many challenges associated with staying him. BUT the gospel is powerful enough to heal any marriage and give you greater love and affection than you’ve ever had for your husband.
I might add that in no way is her husbands decision her fault- she can own her own sinfulness but in no way is she responsible for his actions. That comes from his own sinful heart. So yes, she needs to reflect on ways she could grow but that never excuses the choices her husband made and never justifies his sin!
Stacy,
Good thoughts, thanks for sharing. I agree. I can imagine that many women would be mad at their husbands, but they might also start wondering if they did something wrong. This would be unfortunate, making a hurting woman feel even worse.
Stacy. If you leave illegal drugs on a counter that you have been taking and your son decides to try them are you partially at fault?
If you refuse to have sex with your husband for a year. And he starts to watch porn and masterbate for sexual fulfillment are you partial at fault. There is consequences for sin on all sides. He is definitely sinning but so are you. This is the situation of so many couples I know. I feel for both the man and the women. Many women a couple years after having children just decide that sex is not important and they just don’t want it any more. I have heard women say I really only feel like having sex once a month or not at all. Then they tell there husbands, I just don’t need it so neither should you. A year later after no intimacy what should he do. The woman’s sin in this case does have consequences and can cause others to sin. If the man “acts out” it is his sin fully and the spouse has also sinned
Scott,
I really appreciate this response. Very well said. We can’t cause other people to sin, but we must recognize the potential to make temptation greater for people or to contribute to people sin. This is one of the main points in these verses in first Corinthians 7 that our behavior can subject our spouse to greater temptation or help alleviate that temptation.
Both Scotts seem to have forgotten a very important scripture: 1 Corinthians 10:13 says, “No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape that you may be able to bear it.”
This scripture tells us that God knows that we will be tempted and that He has set a personal limit to temptation for every Christian, so that we are guaranteed success in overcoming all our temptations provided that we seek His assistance. When we give in to our temptations and sin it is because we have chosen to ignore God and the power of the Holy Spirit. God also promises that He will always make a way of escape out of whatever temptation stands before us. If we, as Christians, do not believe this promise of God we are being disobedient to God and inferring that God is a liar. We give into our temptations to sin because we choose to turn down God’s help in overcoming temptation. A husband cannot blame his wife’s withholding sex as a reason for leading him to sin by, for example, viewing pornography. Any husband can overcome the temptation to commit sexual sin by choosing God’s assistance. God’s promise of success over temptation is clearly articulated in the above referenced scripture. Every temptation to sin that we face, we are guaranteed success in overcoming provided we rely on God to help us. This is God’s promise to every Christian.
Hello Sel,
Can you please let me know what you think this verse means…
It sounds like you are saying people don’t have to think about their spouse’s desires, because God gives us the ability to overcome temptation? That is true, but it is also true, as the above verse states, but to deprive a spouse is to subject them to greater temptation.
How to pray for my man who is so flirtatious & not loyal in marital relationship since from marriage. It is extremely hard to live in this life with unfaithful spouse? Whenever asked,he says plenty of lies. Am extremely depressed.kindly help me in this.
Hi Beula,
First, thanks for reading and commenting.
Second, I’m very sorry to hear about the way you’re saying your husband is acting. Is your husband a Christian? It’s hard to imagine a Christian man acting this way. If he’s not a Christian, the first thing you need to do is pray for his salvation. If he is a Christian, pray the Holy Spirit greatly convicts about his behavior. Also, while it might be very hard to do this, considering the way he’s acting, I would encourage you to respect him and pursue his affections. It will convict him to mistreat such a wonderful, godly wife. Plus, you’ll be allowing the Lord to work through your obedience, versus you responding angrily and returning evil for evil.
I highly recommend the book “Love Must Be Tough” by James Dobson. God doesn’t excuse away our sin or look the other way. That is not loving, nor should we look the other way and continue to excuse a spouses sinful behavior. Sometimes the loving thing to do is take a stand- while still letting the person know YOU are committed to the covenant. Boundaries can be set and established in a situation like this and often are the catalyst for real change. In the end it is the Holy Spirit who has to bring your husband to conviction but that may have to start with you calling the sin what it is.
Stacy,
Thanks for giving Beula some counsel. You might elaborate to her what you mean by, “taking a stand.” I was wondering that. I’m guessing you mean letting the person know their actions are sinful? I was also wondering what the boundaries might look like that you’re recommending?
Beula, here’s the book Stacy’s recommending, Love Must Be Tough, and it’s 46% off on Amazon!